Dancing with the Stars Watch: Waltz The Pain Away

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Dancing With the Stars waltzed into Week Five with another installment of the annual cry-fest known as “The Most Memorable Year of Their Life.”

This week, the stars tugged at the heartstrings while spinning across the dance floor and proved that spray tans aren’t tear-soluble.

Here’s what happened on Dancing with the Stars:

Nicest Surprise: Aloe Blacc opened the show by performing “Wake Up.” If you don’t know him, you should.

Biggest Mind F*@#: Tom Bergeron kicked off the festivities by announcing that, based on the scores going into tonight’s show, one of the female stars will be leaving …or not!

Best Revenge: Christina Milian sent a message to her ex (a.k.a. rap and r&b singer The-Dream) in the form  of a cha cha to Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You.” Based on the way she danced, it was clear that in her heart she was dancing to the uncensored version of the song. Icing on the cake: Christina earned the season’s first 10 for the dance. 28/30

Least Surprising Audience Member: Paris Hilton was in the crowd to support her girl Christina. Obviously she thought Christina’s moves were “so sexy.” Then Brooke Burke-Charvat tried to pimp Paris out to one of the pros and Paris replied, “I could try it out one time, maybe.” Look out, Derek Hough!

Most Tear-Filled Waltz: Jack Osbourne danced to commemorate the year in which he saw the birth of his baby daughter and learned, two weeks later, that he had MS. What better way to mark the most head-spinning two weeks imaginable than with a spin on the dance floor? His waltz earned an excellent 27/30.

Best Allegory: If can watch only one anti-Scientology dance set to Katy Perry’s “Roar” on a nationally televised dance show, let it be this one. For her contemporary routine, Leah Remini danced about her dramatic escape from the Sea Org: she played a soon-to-be-liberated marionette tied to puppet-master Tony Dovolani’s strings. 22/30

Sweetest Sibling: Corbin Bleu is dancing for his sister’s scoliosis. Instead of staging a spine themed dance set to “Dem Bones,” he is setting his foxtrot to Rascal Flatt’s “My Wish.” Because he wishes his sister didn’t have scoliosis.

Wittiest Repartée/Lowest Bar: After Corbin’s routine, Bruno declared: “You could be the love-child of Fred Astaire and Ben Vereen!” Tom Bergeron interrupted to note: “It’s too bad Bill Nye the Science Guy isn’t here to explain how that would work.”

(MORE: Dancing with the Stars Watch: Live From Hollywood!)

Biggest Controversy: Carrie-Ann had her Lift Cop hat squarely on her head when she assessed Corbin and Karina. She was pretty sure that she saw a verboten lift and even though Karina swore her foot was on the ground, there is no instant replay in the ballroom and whatever the judges think they saw, stands. If the judges think they saw Mogwai and talking marshmallows, so be it. This time, though, Carrie-Ann saw an excellent routine and even though she docked a point from her final score it still earned a 9, for a total of 27/30.

Best Reunion: Mario Lopez stopped by DWTS to support his Saved By The Bell castmate, Elizabeth Berkeley, who wanted to commemorate her first year in Hollywood. She chose to dance to “I’m So Excited,” presumably because there’s nothing that can’t be improved by the Pointer Sisters and a Jessie Spano reincarnation.

The Secret To Marriage Preservation: Bill Engvall is a smart man. Since he is spending his days dancing with Emma Slater, he decided to use his “most memorable year” dance to celebrate the year 1982. While it would be great if stars would choose to celebrate just a random year out of their past, Bill is marking the year he met his wife set to Billy Joel’s “Always A Woman To Me.” 24/30

Most Poignant: Snooki chose to commemorate the birth of her son by dancing jazz to Britney Spears “Work B*tch.” Which reminded Carrie-Ann of her favorite quote from her favorite drag queen. 27/30

Biggest Tearjerker: Brant Daughtery commemorated the year his father passed away from lymphoma. Peta Murgatroyd set their contemporary routine to Elton John’s “Your Song” just to make sure there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. 27/30

Strangest Scoring: Glee star Amber Riley danced a foxtrot to mark the year of her big break on television. The rousing routine resulted in wildly disparate scores: A 9 from Carrie-Ann, a 7 from Len who was unhappy with their foxtrot form and a 10 from Bruno. Their final score kept them in the top with a 26/30.

Best Dance Down Memory Lane: The moment all Saved by the Bell fans have been waiting for is finally happening: Jessie Spano is doing the “I’m So Excited” dance after she overdosed on “jive pills.” 26/30.

Best Guilt Trip: While Carrie-Ann loved reliving her childhood bedroom-dance routines with Jessie Spano, she was forced to dock Elizabeth a few points for screwing a up a few moves on the floor. That’s when Tom Bergeron decided to butt in and announce that Elizabeth and Val are in jeopardy and only the judges’ scores can save them. Val looked right at Carrie-Ann, shaking his head and said, “Thanks, Carrie-Ann.” Carrie-Ann had no choice but to bury her face in her hands in shame.

Final Rankings: Christina Milian and Mark Ballas tied with Corbin Bleu and Karina Smirnoff for the top. At the bottom is Leah Remini.

The Bottom Three: Elizabeth Berkeley, Christina Milian and Leah Remini were all in jeopardy.

Who Went Home: Christina Milian, the top scorer, and Leah Remini, the bottom scorer, were the final two. So who went home? Christina, because despite intents, purposes and moving montages, this is not a talent competition, but a popularity contest.

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