The Bachelorette Watch: The Men Tell All

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Emily Maynard

The time has come for us to say farewell to all the body-sprayed, hair-gelled, spray-tanned and manicured detritus that has washed up on the shores of The Bachelorette‘s studio. That’s right, it’s the episode where the men tell all about what it was like to live, work out next to and share hair products with their girlfriend’s twelve other boyfriends. In other words, it’s a night of filler meant to prolong fans’ agony as we wait to find out who Bachelorette Emily Maynard will choose to spend the rest of her life with. Will it be Jef, the consonant-lacking entrepreneur who is still a kid at heart? Or Arie, the race car driver whom Emily loves to kiss, despite the fact that he hid his previous relationship with the show’s producer? We won’t know the answer until next Sunday’s three-hour blessed event. But last night we watched as men we barely remember attempted to stretch out their 15 minutes of fame. It was their night.

Here’s what happened when:

The Best of the Worst: To kick off the show, we get a trip down memory lane to a little house where all roses go to die. The highlight reel included the time when Kalon called Emily’s daughter “baggage” and she told him to “get the [bleep] out.” And when Ryan and his weird beard called Emily a trophy wife. And then there was that guy, Doug, who kissed her while she was dumping him. Everyone gets a gold star of awkward!

Biggest Surprise: Emily swears like a drunk longshoreman at a wedding. Some very revealing outtakes show Emily cussing like Bluebeard’s Ghost after she spills wine on her dress during her date at the Greenbriar. “Motherf—er! F—, y’all! I just spilled it all over my dress!” She quickly adds, “And I said the F-word in front of my date! I’m supposed to be a lady!”

Smallest Surprise: Emily and Arie made out in front of his brothers. It wasn’t intentional what with his naughty little brothers being CIA-trained espionage agents and all. But with Arie and Emily’s proclivity to lock lips all over the place, it’s no shock that his brothers got a little sex ed on the side.

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Things to Look Forward To: Emily promised to do the Running Man after the final rose ceremony. Or more likely during hour three of the finale when we have to watch the newly engaged couple awkwardly talk about their future.

Things to Not Look Forward To: The next season of the Bachelor Pad. The Surgeon General meant to warn you that you can get herpes just from watching that show.

Drinking Game! Drink for each of the discarded bachelors you actually remember: Randy, Aaron, Joe, Charlie, Stevie, Alessandro, Travis, Nate, Michael, Alejandro, Kalon, Ryan, Doug, John the Wolf, Tony, Chris and Sean. Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure they just trolled parking lots at Walmart for some of these guys. Seriously, who’s Randy?

Most Revealing Apology: After watching the flashback reel, Chris (the contestant, not the host) admits that he wasn’t as mature as he wanted to be on the show. One word, Chris: DUH.

Most Uncomfortable Friendship: Kalon swears that he made friends with some of the contestants. He then name checks Tony and Ryan, who both look like they want to throw themselves to the gathered crowd of women.

Least Shocking Reveal: Earth is not Kalon’s home planet. Also, he did not know Emily had a kid when he signed up to be on the show. While he did find out this fascinating factoid before the taping, it’s clear he would have preferred to wait a season to find an unencumbered Bachelorette to bless with his delightful presence.

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The Blame Game: Kalon wants America to know when he told Emily to “run along” or “let me finish,” it wasn’t him, it was us. While he doesn’t “thrive” in the reality TV “scenario,” it’s our fault, because “everybody in America likes things to be sugarcoated.” Got that, America?

The Great Escape: Chris Harrison calls Ryan up the stage for his public evisceration. After much badgering by Chris, he finally admits that while Emily is nice and all, she’s not “my wife” material. I’m sure Emily is relieved to hear that she didn’t make a mistake on that one. Plus with all their hair products, they never would have been able to share a bathroom.

Best Prosecution: Chris Harrison got in touch with his inner Perry Mason while Ryan was on the stand, making sure that the audience and, yes, America knew that Ryan was 100% a tool. He demands that Ryan admit that he told Arie, “It’s going to be me and you at the end, and if you win I’ll probably be the next Bachelor.” Ryan has no problem admitting that, “I had that conversation with not just Arie, but several frontrunner guys… I didn’t see you as being one of them, sorry.” I’m sure that apology warmed the cockles of their hearts.

Least Sympathetic Appeal: Chris Harrison invites Chris the contestant up to the stage. He tugs at the heart strings telling the audience that it really hurt when Emily rejected him. He truly believed Emily was going to be his wife, but is now looking forward to finding the right girl. The audience of easily bewildered women makes “awwww” faces. It’s all adorably heart breaking until you remember that Chris was in the Bachelor Pad promos hopping from bed to bed like it was an Olympic sport.

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Weirdest Apology: Sean, the most recently rejected bachelor, came on stage and confessed how much it hurt to be publicly abandoned by a woman he knew for a solid three weeks. Emily comes out to face him and announces that while his heart was broken, she ugly cried for several minutes after watching the show. Momentary ugliness definitely trumps a broken heart in reality-TV world.
Fakest Apology: Kalon takes the crown (krown?) by apologizing once again for calling Ricki “baggage.” He says it’s been a “growing experience” for him. Emily wins back any points she lost with her weird apology to Sean by announcing, “That is the biggest load of [bleep] I’ve ever heard.” Go back and tell your people that, Kalon!

Best Outtake of the Bachelorette Ever: During the blooper and outtake montage (think: a lot of black bars and bleeping) we got one of the most telling outtakes ever when Chris Harrison was about to introduce Emily to her man meat for the season.

Harrison: “Are you ready to meet these guys?”

Emily: “Yeah, I’m really ready!”

Harrison: “How many do you think you’ll actually sleep with during this whole thing?”

Emily: “Hopefully all 25. That’d be a success.”

And that’s all folks! There are only three hours left on Emily’s journey to find love. Come back next week when either Arie or Jef puts a ring on it.