The Bachelorette Watch: Blue (Ball) Curacao

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Emily and Arie on "The Bachelorette"

After months of schmoozing, smiling and swapping spit with man meat, the Bachelorette Emily Maynard has narrowed down her pack of potential daddies from 25 gelled chuckleheads to three exquisitely coiffed specimens of metrosexuality. The sole remaining options are the consonant-deficient Jef, indie car racer Arie, and Sean, a white-teethed specimen with a USDA seal of approval on his abs. The men are all madly in love with Emily already, but, like in The Highlander or Candyland, there can only be one winner (and brother-husbands just don’t have the same ring as sister-wives). Emily has no choice but to grab her harem and flee to Curacao to drink piña coladas and take walks in the rain while trying to make up her mind about whom to marry.

Every rose has its thorn, but here’s who got pricked this week:

Worst Omen: While visiting his family last week, Emily tells Jef to drive slowly and he takes off down the road at high speed. That doesn’t bode well for a trusting relationship. In fact the only thing it’s an omen of is Emily chucking something sharp at Jef’s head in the near future. That said, Emily is convinced that Jef “gets her.”

Best Euphemism: Emily explains that Arie is “youthful,” which is clearly just a euphemism for the awkward truth that he’s incredibly immature.

Most Mysterious Use of a Question Mark: In Curacao, Emily walks along the beach and scrawls Emily + ? into the sand. Somewhere at least one of the former contestants is filing the paperwork to change his name to ?.

Wasted Opportunity: Sean and Emily take a helicopter ride to their own private island and not a single metaphor for a relationship being like a helicopter to ride to an island was made. What was the point?

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Best Use of Social Media: After Sean spends ten minutes telling Emily how he was never in love with his ex-girlfriend, how no one he’s dated has ever measured up, and how he deceived his ex into thinking he loved her, Sean should be expecting some seriously irate Facebook posts from his ex any second now.

Savviest Move: Sean wrote Ricki a letter including phrases like “never forget your father, but never forget you are my daughter.” Emily goes to her happy place, which is giggling to herself about Ryan’s laundry list of womanly arts.

The Waiting Game: Sean is in love with Emily and it is “imperative” that he not hold back. And yet he does. Emily waits and waits for him to say the “L word” because she needs to hear it, no matter how falsely he means it. He finally blurts out that he loves her and Emily replies, “Thank you.” I guess they weren’t talking about lobster.

Finally: A Jacuzzi. While The Bachelor is nothing but hotties in hot tubs, The Bachelorette with its single mother star has not had a single Jacuzzi session. Is that sexism?

Strike One: Emily decides that she can’t spend the night in a fantasy suite with Sean. She is a mother and mothers don’t do that sort of thing. At least not on national television.

Corniest Line Yet:“The sun is setting in Curacao, but for me and Emily, a whole life is starting.” —Jef, with a straight face.

Good Point: Jef realizes that he’s fallen in love with Emily, but has never met Ricki, the most important person in Emily’s life.

(MORE: The Bachelorette Watch: Let’s Czech Out Prague)

20 Awkward Questions: Jef has some important questions for Emily, unfortunately he seems incapable of asking them without putting his foot in his mouth. For example, about past relationships, “Why hasn’t it worked out? Is it something they were missing or is it something you’re…uh, missing?” Just what a lady likes to hear.

Strike Two: Emily hands Jef a note proffering the fantasy suite and asks him what he thinks. He thinks they should make out for awhile, but not spend the night. Emily looks hurt that he didn’t say yes so she could turn him down. Jef assures her that he wants to spend every night with her, once they are married. However, now is the time to “bridle their passions,” which in the case of these two puritans is not a euphemism for anything lascivious.

Best Revenge: It’s no secret that Emily loves kissing Arie, if she does say so herself. She loves kissing him. She wants to kiss him all the time because it’s that good. She mentions her love of kissing Arie so often it becomes clear she’s just rubbing it in the face of the producer he dated.

Harshest Reality: After their romantic date getting laughed at by dolphins, Arie and Emily sit down for entrees with a side of cold hard truth. Arie’s lifestyle is not very kid friendly—for example, he likes to go out for dinner every single night. He’ll get over that quickly when dining with a 7 year-old.

Strike Three: Emily says “Arie doesn’t just tell me he likes me, he shows me,” which is the dirtiest thing ever said on this show. Emily won’t return the favor though because even though she thinks Arie is hot, she is a role model and a mother first. However the only way to ensure that she remains true to her vow is to not give Arie the fantasy suite card at all. She trusts herself and him that much.

Host with the Most: Chris Harrison earns his ticket to Curacao by having a heart to heart with Emily. She admits that is falling in love with all three of the men. She tears up explaining this phenomenon. Her forehead and eyebrows don’t move. Just saying.

(MORE: The Bachelorette Watch: London Calling)

Biggest Disappointment: Chris tells Emily that the men each made her a special video message. Not one of them was dirty. Not one!

Biggest Test of Waterproof Mascara: Emily cries her way through the three testimonials as the men preach their love of Emily, their desire to form a family with Ricki, and their burning, burning passion for her, their bachelorette. She sobs that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone and doesn’t want to make the wrong choice. Then she cries some more.

The Rose Ceremony: Emily makes a speech to the men, explaining how much she loves each and every one of them, but had to make her choice based on what she thinks is best. As opposed to any other lesser reason. Jef gets the first rose. Arie and Sean gulp, sweat and twitch as Emily holds the remaining rose in her hand. She calls Arie’s name. For those playing along at home, that means Sean is getting the boot.

Fondest Farewell: Emily takes a deep breath and covers her face in shame. She may be stressed, but I am relieved because I could never remember that he was on the show. Emily insists that they talk and while Sean holds it together, she bursts into tears. Sean tells her, “I’ll miss you more than you know,” which, of course, makes her cry more. He leaves on his trail of tears and Emily cries some more.

Biggest Shock: Promotional consideration was paid by the Curacao Tourism Board.

Come back next week when the men tell all. Hopefully Ryan will share some grooming tips! Then in two weeks, Emily will force either Jef or Arie to propose to her.

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RealityWiz
RealityWiz

For a quick yet comical yet informative yet awesome recap of The Bachelorette and other reality shows, check out www.realityshowrecap.wordpress...

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll reminisce, but most importantly, you'll be in the know. 

f_galton
f_galton

Thank you for watching this stupid show, Melissa Locker. Thank you TIME magazine for the gratuitously lewd headline.

Nightryder
Nightryder

I was unaware that TIME dealt with this crap. TIME sure has changed but it has been going downhill for decades!