The Bachelorette Watch: Let’s Czech Out Prague

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NICK RAY / ABC

Emily and John on a date during episode seven of season eight of The Bachelorette.

There are current events unfolding in the world, but who cares about Supreme Court decisions, when there are six men still in the running to be America’s next top fake fiancé on The Bachelorette? As the whole hullabaloo moves from Croatia to Prague, everything gets really real for Emily, because next week’s hometown visits are looming large for the diminutive Southern belle. Will she visit Jef’s parents to find out what happened to the other ‘f’? Or will she opt for a visit to the Wolf’s den? Before she can bring a fruitcake to anyone’s mom, she has to make it through another week of dates with these numnuts.

Let’s see whose rose had the most thorns this week:

Cutest Delusion of Grandeur: John who insists on being called Wolf is shocked when his name isn’t on the first one-on-one date card. Doesn’t Emily want to get to know him? No, no she doesn’t. She just hasn’t had the chance to send you home yet. Stop dwelling and go destroy some data.

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One-on-One Date: Emily wears a blazer and sequined hot pants for her date with Arie. They wander the streets of Prague demanding people with blurred out faces speak English. Are they speaking Czech or are their mouths just blurred? We will never know.

Very Important Interlude: Chris Harrison interrupts Emily and Arie’s date to tell us something that many of us Bachelor watchers already know: Arie dated Bachelor producer Cassie Lambert years ago. In traditional reality show style, Cassie straps a microphone to Emily so she can vent all her feelings about this development, or in Bachelor parlance, this shocking twist. Emily is mostly upset that Arie never told her about his previous relationship.

Biggest Reveal: The Bachelor/ette franchise has loose morals. This is not much of a shock, but why is their producer casting her exes on the show? Is she a masochist? Why does she like to watch her ex date? Isn’t that what Facebook is for?

Back to the One-on-One Date: Emily asks Arie all sorts of leading questions such as “Don’t you think honesty is important?” “Know what I think is important? Being totally open and having no secrets.” Arie never fesses up about dating the producer, but does admit to having another woman’s name tattooed on his body, albeit covered up. Emily is never going to marry this guy.

Most Important Off-Camera Update: Chris Harrison returns (he is really earning his salary this week) to tell us that Emily confronted Arie about the relationship and they had a very honest and intense discussion.. .off camera. Chris Harrison pinky swears that none of this is fake. But, Chris, isn’t the number-one rule of reality TV that the Valtrex is free, followed only by the rule that if it happened off camera it didn’t really happen? I wonder if Arie reminded Emily that while he may have dated the producer years ago, she has hooked up with all of his “roommates” very recently?

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Most Important On-Camera Update: Arie loves Emily! In tried-and-true and potentially contractual Bachelor-style, Emily doesn’t say it in return, but sort of rudely says, “That makes me very happy.” That’s what every guy wants to hear, right?

Best Date with a Wolf: Cue Duran Duran because Emily is finally hungry for the Wolf, although more likely the producers made her go out with him at least once before kicking him off the show. In preparation for his date, Wolf challenges himself to open up to Emily. I imagine this process involves staring intensely into the mirror and flaring his nostrils a lot. Unfortunately his reflection didn’t tell him that it was a bad idea to wear light blue baggy jeans on a date.

Worst Crime Against Culture: Emily and Wolf painting a picture of the Bachelorette boat race on the Lennon Wall in Prague.

Dining Disasters, Part Two: After their last dinner date in a cave, Emily and Wolf are kicking it up a notch. “Tonight we’re having dinner in a dungeon,” Emily said, with a straight face that can only be attributed to stellar Botox.

Worst Rocky Reenactment: After Wolf’s date with Emily, Sean can’t stop himself from wandering the streets of Prague yelling Emily’s name like it was Adrienne and he was Rocky. He jogs for awhile and then, of course, finds her, because Prague is actually inside Epcot Center and is not at all a very large city. She calls his visit a nice surprise like he’s an Edible Arrangement made out of insurance sales and clean living. Then they make out against a wall.

Yet Another Group Date: After her cozy dungeon dinner (seriously Prague Tourist Board, you outdid yourself), Emily takes Doug, Chris and Sean for an outing to a castle. Well, she thinks she’s taking Sean, Doug and Chris for an outing but really it’s Mopey, Angry and Sean. She’s a lucky lady.

Worst Body Language: Tucked away in a dark corner of a romantic castle, Doug sits next to Emily with his arms crossed, his legs crossed, and about three feet of space between them. During their conversation something clicks and Emily decides she’s had enough of Doug’s glacial pace. So she kicks him off the show. He is shocked because he pecked her on the lips once. He eventually realizes the futility in arguing and tells her to “Have a good one,” but sadly forgoes the fist bump. He stayed cool until he started crying in the limo, which will surely earn his nine-year-old son at least one wedgie.

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Two-On-One Date: Once Emily offed Doug, she realized she was back in the dreaded two-on-one date situation. While Chris moans about how he’s at a boiling point and bitches about how he didn’t get a one-on-one date, Sean and Emily make out in the corner. Once it is clear that Chris’ brilliant strategy is to angrily demand answers from Emily, her response is to give Sean the date rose.

Weirdest Logic: On their one-on-one date, Emily says that the other guys don’t think Jef is ready to be a dad, but Emily disagrees. She thinks Jef would make a great father, because he is just a big kid. I guess she really does want a lot of kids.

Punch and Judy and Jef and Emily: Jef and Emily pick up some puppets at a local shop. Then just like in an episode of SVU, Jef uses his puppet to show where the blonde lady touched him: In his heart. That’s right, the puppet is 100 million percent in love with Emily, so much so that he wants to get a dog. But can puppets clean up puppy poop?

Worst Thing to Say to a Girl Ever? As they canoodle, Jef tells Emily that he dumped the last girl he brought he home because his parents didn’t like her. No pressure! Luckily Emily won’t be meeting Jef’s parents because they are in China (possibly off on a Mormon mission). Jef assures her that his family is very private, but Jef is cool with bringing in the entire Bachelorette production company anyway.

Best Cocktail Party Ever: No cocktail party! Emily pulls Chris Harrison aside and tells him that she has already made up her mind and doesn’t want to go through with the cocktail party. But, hold up: She doesn’t want to drink? Girl crazy.

Most Unnecessary Freak Out: Chris (not Harrison, for once) cries in the courtyard about the fact the he screwed up and showed his angry face instead of his calm, cool and collected (fake) personality during his group date. Now he is certain Emily is sending his crazy ass home and it will be all his angry personality’s fault. If only he’d taken more Thorazine! This is all ridiculous, though, because there’s no way she’s not sending Wolf home.

Rose Ceremony: Chris Harrison brings the bachelors in for a hurried Rose Ceremony. Sean already has his rose and Emily quickly hands out roses to the men who love her: Jef and Arie. She then fakes struggling with a choice between Chris (bad) and Wolf (awful). That’s when Chris pipes up and begs for a private audience with her Royal Hotness.

Most Dramatic Interlude: Emily wraps herself in a Slanket for Chris’ heartfelt speech about how he failed her during the group date. He swears fealty to the South and promises to raise Ricki as his own. Emily nods and smiles because she was clearly going to pick him over Wolf anyway.

Rose Ceremony Take Two: After Chris’ interruption, a few more dramatic pauses and some soulful looks, Emily pins the final rose on Chris. Wolf howls in despair and then runs off to destroy some data.

Next Week: Meet the parents who birthed this batch of Bachelor babes. You know you want to.

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