Welcome back The Bachelor where we now know that the man looking for love on a nationally televised reality show is kinda homophobic, despite the fact that he swears some of his best friends are gay.
In case you were lucky enough to miss this particular news cycle, Juan Pablo told a reporter that he didn’t think there should be a gay Bachelor: “I don’t think it is a good example for kids to watch that on TV.” He added that in his opinion the situation would be “confusing” and that gay people are “more pervert in a sense.” (You can listen to his whole answer here.) While he’s since apologized, blaming his limited English for accidentally calling gay men “perverts” when what he meant to say was that “gay people are more affectionate and intense,” and assuring the world that he respects gay people. But, as TIME’s James Poniewozik eloquently put it, “Can you say that someone’s very way of being is a bad example to children, and perverted, and still respect them? Respectfully, I would disagree.”
So where does that leave us Bachelor * cough * fans as we watch Juan Pablo, a single father, date 25 women, simultaneously without even a hint of irony? Pretty much where we were before, but with more information about the star of the show. This show is not a role model for anything except excessive hair removal, and never should be. As Juan Pablo said in his apology, “The show is very racy as it is and I don’t let my 5 year old daughter watch it.” So tuck the kids in bed and take a page from the American Idol haters playbook and root for the worst. He deserves it.
Here’s what happened last night on The Bachelor:
First Date: After former NBA dancer and single mother Cassandra had a mini-breakdown last week, Juan Pablo took her on a solo date to “reassure her,” which is apparently what the kids are calling it these days. They head out in a car, but when the conversation lagged, JP drove the car into the lake to end the date. Oh wait, no: It’s a jet ski/boat thingy, which is meant to go in the water and is undoubtedly great for the environment. Then he takes her to his house and makes her cook him dinner, while admiring his daughter’s artwork and fending off his dance moves.
Bachelor Milestone: Cassandra is having “feelings.”
A Bachelor First: One of the women is on the show because her mother’s dying wish was that she be a contestant on The Bachelor.
Group Date: The highly-anticipated (by no one) soccer group date you knew was coming is finally here. Juan Pablo assures the women that he will only be judging them on their soccer skills a little. He knows they aren’t as good as him, so he will referee and, of course, watch. (Their eyes are up there, sir.) But when the blue team starts losing badly, JP plays white knight and helps them out. The blue team still loses but everyone gets to celebrate by (Role Model Alert!) making out with as many women as possible. Andi gets a smooch in the stadium’s kitchen while Sharleen, the remarkably unworldly opera singer, made out with him on the soccer field. Juan Pablo calls it his favorite group date and says that this is “his life,” dating 10 women and drinking champagne. Then seemingly out of the blue, Nikki, the pediatric nurse, gets the rose. This makes both Sharleen and Andi feel insecure, which was probably a plan JP picked up while reading “The Game” in el baño.
Second Date: Chelsie is chosen for the second date, because she is really good at pretending to like Latin music and eating Venezuelan food, while Juan Pablo is really good at pretending that he’s not going to ask her to bungie jump off a bridge. Yes, he made her eat tequeños and guacamole and then forced her to bounce around on a giant rubber band on a full stomach. Worst. Date. Ever. Chelsie is terrified, trembling and crying but forces herself out on the ledge. Juan Pablo promises that it’s fine if she doesn’t want to do it and assures her that she has a choice. See, Juan Pablo is pro-choice! Once she knows she has a choice, she realizes she can trust him and jumps. They kiss while dangling from a bridge like a car air freshener.
Bachelor Milestone: Bungee jumping as metaphor for marriage. “If we can jump off a bridge together we can get through anything!” Chelsie chirps. She may want to talk to Bachelor Jake and Vienna about that.
Second Date, Part 2: Chelsie and Juan Pablo eat, drink and discuss their fears. JP’s biggest fear is that he won’t be a good role model for his daughter. Chelsie’s biggest fear is worried that she won’t be happy. Then Juan Pablo decides that she is motherly enough and hands her the rose and then they dance to yet another band whose PR agent thinks that the mix of emotions on a contestant’s face as she tries to figure out who the band is while remaining excited is the best promotion around.
Like A Thief In The Night: Juan Pablo sneaks into the women’s house and makes them arepas for breakfast, so they can have a little Venezuelan in them. That sounds dirtier than intended, but under the circumstances it works. He thinks this exercise of seeing women first thing in the morning will give him a taste of real life. The women either hide from Juan Pablo until they can put on their face or, like single mother Renee, walk in and start ogling the eggs and the meat, the meat being, of course, Juan Pablo, who loves seeing everyone in their pajamas.
— Ben Flajnik’s Hair (@BachelorBenHair) January 21, 2014
Pool Party! After breakfast, Juan Pablo does his best Chris Harrison impression (it’s not good), cancels the cocktail party and hosts a pool party instead. The women are all happy to have a chance to walk around in bikinis. Juan Pablo is confident that this whole Bachelor thing is working because (role model alert!) he just got 15 women to prance around in bikinis and fight for alone time with him. Most Dramatic Moment: Sharleen cries and Juan Pablo comforts her (with his face), which makes Clare cry, because she actually really likes Juan Pablo and the rest of the women are just big fakers. She goes to cry in the bathroom
The Rose Ceremony: Cassandra, Chelsie and Nikki all have roses. Andi, Renee, Kelli (and her dog) Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Allison, Clare and Lauren the composer all take roses and then it’s the final rose. Danielle takes the last rose, meaning that free spirit Lucy and Christy, who I have honestly never seen before, bid farewell. Christy says it is not fair, but also blames herself for not opening up quickly enough. Lucy walks off in a gold mini-dress with tears in her eyes.
Tune In Alert: Just in case you don’t think The Bachelor is the best means to finding true love always, next Sunday Bachelor Sean will marry his quarry, Catherine, in a live televised event filled with former Bachelor and Bachelorettes. Based on how much they discuss the wedding night in the promos, we can only assume that it will be televised as well.