The Bachelorette Watch: Anguish In Antigua

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Welcome to Part One of the “most shocking” finale in The Bachelorette’s long history. That’s what the voice-over guy promises and if you are, like me, are suspicious of the claim and demand further proof from your favorite dating reality television show, the VO Guy also uses the words “incredible” and “dramatic” and “the television event of the summer.” Those are some big words, Chris Harrison, but can The Bachelorette deliver?

Based on the clips of bachelorette Desiree Hartsock ugly-crying in a hotel room and begging to go home…maybe? So who will win Des’ heart? Will it be…

Bachelor No. 1: Chris, the Seattleite with a love of poetry?

Bachelor No. 2: Drew, the male model with the eight-pack abs (I counted!) and the love of pink?

Or Bachelor No. 3: Brooks, with the hair?

Des has already declared her love of Brooks, but the rugged Utahn has been hesitant to say those three magic words back to her.  Since Des already told Chris Harrison, “I’m hopeful there will be a proposal at the end. With Brooks.” What more is there to say? A lot, apparently.

Here’s what happened on Part 1 of The Bachelorette’s finale:

Biggest Sigh: Know the best way to make a dramatic two-part finale? By stretching a dramatic one-part finale over four hours by filling it with many trips down memory lane.

Most Optimistic: Drew, the closest thing to a Ken doll this side of Toys R Us, meets Des in Antigua. She runs into his arms and lets him drive. Des appreciates his “silent strength.” And, of course, his abs and face. As the dynamic duo supports the local economy by shopping for souvenirs, “We’re going to keep this stuff forever. It’s going to be in our house some day.” Drew has apparently never bought a souvenir before or else he would know that souvenirs end up left on the plane or in the bottom of  drunk drawer next to mystery screws and packets of soy sauce.

“Best” Color Commentary: As Des and Drew explore the island, they note: “Look at the water!” “It’s so blue.” “And turquoise!” These two are made for each other.

Fantasy Suite #1: Why yes Des and Drew will be moving into the Fantasy Suite. The only downer? Drew wants to get down on one knee right now. He keeps saying he is going to marry her, completely clueless to the fact that Des prefers her men play hard-to-get.

Best Euphemism: When talking about Drew, Des says, “I just want to give him the world.” Cut to the rose petal-strewn bed in the Fantasy Suite.

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Most Honest Moment: Brooks is torn about his feelings, so he heads off to talk to his mom and sister about his true feelings for Des. If you have to ask, you already know. Brooks wants to be in love, but isn’t. A hard conversation now is better than a horrible one later. Brooks is either a great actor, or we’re seeing reality on reality television. Or we’re blinded by his extremely white teeth.

Biggest Tell: You can tell Brooks is torn up, because he hasn’t shaved.

Best Reason Not To Sign Up For The Bachelorette When You’re Loaded: Brooks tells his mother and sister that “the idea of proposing makes me uncomfortable.” Then he adds that he isn’t willing to propose to someone he’s not in love with. What show did he think he signed up for? Bachelor Brad Womack never had this problem.

Most Back-handed Compliment: Chris and Des hop in a helicopter (only the second ride of the season) and head to the island of Barbuda for an afternoon of Des trying to convince herself to fall in love with the nice, available guy instead of the emotionally unavailable Brooks. As part of her wily plan she announces, “I feel like I’ve been dating Chris for a long time.” Is that a good thing? Then they re-enact the make-out-while-rolling-in-the-sand scene From Here To Eternity.

Worst Sign: Chris asks Des: “How do you feel about moving to Seattle?” Which is greeted with a long awkward silence before mumbling, “Sure?” Also, she called him “cute,” which is the real death knell for a contestant on this show.

Worst Choice Of Words: Des says, “There’s an easiness between Chris and I.” Grammar aside, a woman heading to Fantasy Suites with three men in two hours on a nationally televised program might want to avoid the word “easy.”

Phew! Don’t worry, there’s enough time for one more poem from Chris.

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The Big Drama: As Des’ disembodied voice tells us that she’s in love with Brooks and wants to marry him, pronto, Brooks is having a secret meeting with Chris Harrison. As Chris puts on the #1 Official Therapist Badge he bought off of eBay, Brooks breaks the news that he’s just not that into Des. His head says “yes,” but his heart says no. Maybe he should ask another body part.

Big Pimpin’: Chris asks Brooks the hard questions: Are you not sure about your feelings? Or are you not in love with Des? When Brooks sighs that he just doesn’t know, Chris suggests that he just “go hang out in the Fantasy Suite” and make sure.

Coldest Truth: “I don’t think Des is the love of my life.” In his defense, it has only been a few weeks since he met her.

Most Important Question: Chris asks Brooks, “So you’re not afraid to commit?” Brooks assures him that he can commit. Chris nods sagely at the potential future Bachelor he sees before him.

Realest Reality Television: Chris leaves Brooks to think about what he’s done, not just to his hair, but to his life and the show’s ratings.

The Worst Words In The English Language: “We need to talk.” While waiting to whisk him away to an isolated island, Des once again declares that she is in love with Brooks. She runs into his arms and he stops her right there with those four little words.

Most Awkward Television: Watching someone get dumped and heartbroken is not must-see TV. It’s just depressing and yet the powers that be at The Bachelorette managed to stretch it out for close to 45 minutes. Thank gawd for cookies.

Worst Cinematography: As Des cries, Brooks holds her while whispering in her ear, “I just don’t feel that way for some reason,” as the camera looms uncomfortably close, looking for an angle to accurately capture her misery.

Most Important Accessory On A Reality Show: Waterproof mascara.

Biggest Sign To Stop Talking: Brooks wants to know what she’s going to do now and she bursts into tears (again) and admits that she never opened her heart to the other guys because she wanted to give it to him. He kicks the dirt, apologizes and promises to shut up.

Most Drawn Out Dumping Ever: Brooks doesn’t know what to do or say. Des tells him to just go home in whatever works as a Limo of Shame on this island. They hug (again), he apologizes (again), she tells him to stop saying it, he says sorry (again) and he finally says goodbye, but seems reluctant to leave her, so she ditches him. Girl needs some alone time (with a camera crew), Brooks! Next time, break up on a Post-It Note like a real man.

Last Looks: Brooks cries, Des cries, Chris Harrison chortles gleefully somewhere (guessing!)

Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Who knows! Will you get to watch a solid hour of Des crying in bed while Drew and Chris try to cheer her up? Will Des force herself to choose between two runner-ups and pretend she wants to marry one of them? Will Chris Harrison and Des run away together? Will Drew and Chris run away together? Anything’s possible!

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