The Bachelor Watch: Sean Tells All

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The Bachelor is back, yes, so soon. While avid viewers know that Sean is on his way to Thailand for three overnight dates where the so-called Virgin Bachelor will have three vaguely awkward and awkwardly vague nights in a fantasy suite at a product-placement-laden resort. But tonight is not about Sean’s need for televised polyamorous dating. It’s about his burning desire to talk about his feelings about the three women he’s dating, the road to love he’s already traveled, and the sad wretches he’s left behind (held together only by Spanx and hairspray). While most of us would spend our downtime journaling, Sean wants to discuss his emotional journey with trusted adult Chris Harrison on television, for our viewing pleasure.

That’s right, before we get to see Sean ride a wave of love into the future, we have to look back at the detritus of love left in his path. They call it a walk down memory lane, but truly it’s a cautionary tale.

Here’s what happened last night on The Bachelor:

The Plan: Rest assured, trusted viewers, Sean has learned everything he needs to know about the women in his Chex Mix of love. In Thailand, while relaxing with his bevy of beauties in pre-approved locations, Sean wants to “maximize” his time with them, because, at this moment, he doesn’t favor one over the other. He likes them all equally, but because bigamy is still illegal, he has to choose whoever will look best in a Neil Lane diamond ring.

DVR Alert: Desiree’s brother’s epic takedown of Sean is just as hilarious in repeat. Sean reveals to Chris Harrison that he wrote in his journal about how much he wanted to punch Desiree’s brother, because he’s not a playboy. (Though he is, apparently, a brawler.)

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The Truth Revealed: Apparently The Bachelor‘s crack editing team robbed of us the chance to see Desiree’s brother and Sean bonding earlier in the day. Thus Sean was truly hurt by the fact that when the cameras started officially rolling, Des’ brother turned on him. Sean has no choice—no choice!—but to designate him a jackass.

The Burning Question: Chris Harrison wants to know the answer to the question that will haunt Des for eternity: Would Sean have sent her home if her brother wasn’t an ass? Sean admits it: Maybe. But he’s looking for the person best suited to him—and it’s not Des.

Sean’s Thoughts On Sarah: While Sean seems to have truly liked Sarah as an inspirational tale, he readily admits the one kiss they shared was so passionless that he instantly knew he wasn’t going to marry her. He also takes a moment to assure viewers that while it looked heartless and cruel to force Sarah to roller-derby on a date–which brought her tears–Sean swears Sarah wanted to be forced to roller derby. After watching Sarah’s heartwrenching and tear-jerking farewell interview, Sean uses his pulpit to assure her that she will find love. Just not with him.

Sean’s Thoughts On Selma: Selma was a kiss-tease. Sean spent the whole day kissing and cuddling every part of Selma, so he was shocked that after kissing her all day he couldn’t kiss her on the mouth. Then, of course, Selma did end up kissing him …and Sean sent her home because he couldn’t have such a loose-lipped wife with low morals. Just kidding! (Maybe.)

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Lesley M., A Cautionary Tale: Political consultant Lesley M. couldn’t bring herself to declare her love to Sean, a man she barely knew, on national television. Because of this rational decision, she got sent home. Sean thinks if she had been more open about her feelings, she would be going to Thailand now. Remember, potential reality show contestants: If you’re going to play, play hard. Also, be prepared to look like a chucklehead.

Sean’s Thoughts On Tierra: While the promo editing monkeys lead us to believe that this was to be the main event at The Bachelor: Sean Tells All primetime schedule-filling circus where Sean tells the world that he didn’t think Tierra should have been on the show, it was far less interesting than that. Sean merely thought she didn’t have the personality suited to competitive reality-television (a.k.a. the exact show she signed up for). Far more interesting was the off-handed and careless reveal that Sean was jealous that all the women were focusing on Tierra and not him. Whoever wins that guy’s hand is a lucky lady indeed.

Memory Lane: To fill more time before the, er, highly anticipated Body of Proof premiere, the producers take us all the way back to The Bachelor premiere when the producers tried to set Sean up with a 50 Shades of Grey fan who got hopelessly drunk and tried to set Sean up with her mom. Go ahead and clear that episode out of your VCR, because like Boones Farm, it didn’t age well.

The Future: So which of the three winning contestants gets a primetime proposal, a Neil Lane diamond ring, an US Weekly cover, and an inevitable In Touch exposé? There’s Catherine who has been slipping Sean “nerd notes” throughout the competition and is, apparently, very flexible. Then there’s Lindsay with her sense of humor and “good energy.” And, finally, Ashlee, whose father’s mustache made it clear he would hunt down and kill Sean if he hurt his daughter.

The Important Stuff: What is going to take place inside the Fantasy Suite? That’s nobody’s business but his own.

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