It’s been two weeks in the making, but tonight we finally have a Dancing with the Stars elimination. Feel free to celebrate or mourn as you see feet. But in the words of the much-missed pitchman Billy Mays: But wait there’s more! Like the best as-seenn-on-TV products, DWTS is having a buy-one-get-one-free night and not one, but two stars are leaving us to go back to their day jobs (if they have them, we’re looking at you Melissa Rycroft.) So who went home? Let’s find out:
Pants Off Dance Off: Give it up for Kylie Minogue, who at age 44 appeared on the show sans culottes. But, hey, if you’re going to turn the nightmare into reality and show up to a live television show pantless, you may as well do it on Dancing with the Stars where pants are fully optional.
Best Blast from the Past: Last week, Minogue released The Abbey Road Sessions, which were recorded at the famed studios with a full orchestra and spanned her entire career. So what song did the DWTS powers that be choose for the singer? “The Locomotion,” of course.
The Most Inevitable: Melissa Rycroft has 99 out of a possible 100 points, so it seems more than likely that she will be safe (pipe down, ghost of Sabrina Bryant!), but Tom Bergeron drags it on as long as possible, before admitting that he’s a big tease and Melissa is safe. Similarly, there was little doubt that Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnston and Derek Hough would be safe. Once Tom said it was true, Shawn was willing to laugh off the low score as if Len was just playing the part of the East German judge. (That’s a communism shout out, kiddos. Ask your parents!)
Best Brooke-ism of the Night: Brooke Burke has no qualms about reminding Olympic speed-skating champ Apolo Anton Ohno that he was the last one standing last week. She then orders him to Describe That Feeling, which could be a new show on ABC’s fall line-up. Apolo promises that if Tom calls his name, he’s just not going to leave. Occupy DWTS!
Stars of Dance Performance: The cast of Newsies: the Musical, which is based on the best movie ever, transformed the ballroom into a dingy 1899 New York street scene to sing about seizing the day and shilling newspapers in their adorable vests and suspenders. Be right back, I’m off to buy a newspaper.
Best Reminder That Ne-Yo Exists: Hey guys, remember Ne-Yo? Dancing with the Stars does and invited the three-time Grammy winner on to promote his new album, R.E.D. He performed his single “Let Me Love You” and yes, he was talking to you, specifically.
Respect Your Elders: Brooke Burke-Charvet didn’t get the memo about not pointing out women’s ages because she reminds viewers that Kelly Monaco was the first ever Dancing with the Stars champion. Since this show is in its 47th season, that means Kelly is…looking really good for her age.
The First Farewell: The time has come for Kirstie Alley and Maks Chmerkovskiy to say goodbye. Despite constantly having the lowest scores, they will be missed because at least Kirstie will call a trio a threesome when appropriate, which is always.
Best Bergeron-ism of the Night: “I’m not sure what the producers were smoking, but I’m sure it was medicinal.” The show is taped in California, Tom, so anything is possible. However the producers picked the themes for next week’s dances, they are winning in the Charlie Sheen sense of the word (read: crazy). To wit: Kelly and Val gave Melissa and Tony the “Caveman Hustle;” Emmitt Smith gave Shawn Johnson the “Knight Rider Bhangra;” Apolo gave Gilles “Mad Monk Merengue;” Gilles gave Apolo “Big Top Jazz;” Shawn gave Emmitt “Espionage Lindy Hop;” leaving Kelly and Val with “Surfer Flamenco.” In short: Tom may have a point.
Best Hollywood Moment: Anna Trebunskaya has been keeping herself busy in her off season by corrupting the New York City Ballet and dragging some of their corps into the glitzy glittery world of Dancing with the Stars. The dance is beautiful, stylish and classy…for now. Just wait until you see it washed up in a hotel room in Hollywood begging its agent to call it back.
The Bottom Three: After 54 minutes of solid entertainment, Tom calls Emmitt Smith, Gilles Marini and and Apolo Anton Ohno to come sweat in the spotlight. Since Emmitt scored a perfect 30 last night (and has about 100 lbs. of pure Dallas Cowboy-honed muscle on Tom) he is quickly told he is safe. That leaves Apolo and Gilles to panic.
The Result: Gilles Marini is packing up his crazy eyes and going home.
Best Face-Saving Moment: As Gilles stares into Peta’s baby blues, skillfully avoiding eye contact with her sequined, barely covered chest as he held her close in his arms, Gilles smiles at her and says, “I’d like to thank my wife.” Peta blinks and then slowly turns to smile engagingly at the attractive woman clapping wholeheartedly while staring with dead cold eyes.
Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: Michael Jackson Night! While the Thriller singer is not performing, for obvious and unfortunate reasons, I wouldn’t put it past DWTS to whip up a hologram. Or just invite Tito.