The Bachelor Watch: Do You Belize in Love?

  • Share
  • Read Later

This week, Belize got added to US State Department travel alerts as an international hotspot for kissing diseases when The Bachelor brought its louche and lusty contestants to the Central American country.

The pressure was on, because it’s the week before home visits, when five lucky ladies get to bring Bachelor Ben to meet mom and dad. To ensure that Ben chooses, the ladies spent a lot of time assuring him that not only do they want to bring him home to meet the parents, but they are falling …for him, not towards their doom. Although since this isn’t Sister Wives, for five of the women, this journey will end in tears. Or a contract to be The Bachelorette.

Let’s see who we fell for this week:

The Moment We’ve All Been Waiting For: After several long weeks, we finally had our first “it’s really real” of the competition. Dental hygienist Nicki tested the limits of her waterproof mascara when she cried because she couldn’t handle the fact that Lindzi got the first one-on-one date with Ben.

(MORE: Cast Your Vote in TIME’s BEST Best Picture Tournament)

Worst Date Ever: Nicki wasted her mascara for no reason, because no one would want to go on Lindzi’s date with Ben. Not only were they forced to fly in a helicopter with no door, but then they had to jump from the chopper into the ocean Navy Seal-style minus the helpful scuba gear. Lindzi shook with fear as Ben helpfully noted, “This is a wonderful way to get over your fear of heights.” After seemingly hours of analogies of how a perilous dive from a helicopter is just like a relationship, they jumped and, sadly, survived to make more analogies.

Worst Pun: Can a really bad pun be a dealbreaker in a relationship? Apparently not, because while Lindzi and Ben worked up the nerve to potentially die on national television, Emily was asked via a date card, do you Belize in love? While Emily is thrilled to get some one-on-one time with Ben, forcing that pun on the world is almost unforgivable. On the bright side, the fact that Emily got to go on a date with Ben made Courtney cry.

Most Romantic Litter: After Ben and Lindzi’s voluntary near-death experience, they recovered with a candlelit dinner. Ben “spontaneously” pulled out a bottle and suggested they write each other stories, put them in bottles and wait for them to choke a turtle with their romantic blatherings. Oh Ben, just write her a text message. It’s better for the environment.

Most Obvious Friend Zone: Ben took Emily the rapping epidemiologist on a date to a little Belizean town where they rode bikes, drank beer, and played some basketball. If that’s not the Friend Zone, I don’t know what is. Then they went snorkeling for lobsters and shared an awkward kiss, when they should have just made nachos and had a belching contest.

(LIST: The All-TIME 100 TV Shows)

Best Thing Said By Courtney This Week: After getting invited on the last one-on-one with Ben after pouting that she wouldn’t bring him home to meet mom and dad without another date, Courtney told the camera that all the other girls could just go on home. “I don’t want to get cocky,” she said while making “kill shots” with her finger guns and telling all the other girls living in her head to go on home.

Biggest disappointment: Ben took Courtney on a walk through the jungle that ended at an enormous ancient temple. Courtney used their time together to whine about how Ben spent the day with Emily and how that hurt her and how she lost the spark and how she isn’t sure she wants to bring him home to her parents. Amazingly, Ben didn’t sacrifice her to the Sun Gods.

Best Realization That Ben’s Not Dead Inside: On his date with Courtney, Ben questioned her about her relationships with other women. Ben admitted that one of his fears is being with a woman who no one else likes. Courtney swore that she has a lot of friends, but admitted she prefers the company of men. Also, women hate her. Also also, if Ben believes this, he deserves whatever he gets.

Most Realistic Reality Show Moment: When Ben delivered an in-person wake up call to Rachel, Kacie, and Nicki in their hotel (where they were doubling up in beds, because the show is cheap) the women rushed to the bathroom for some maintenance work. To wit, we got to see Rachel shaving her pits and Nicki mowing down some inner thigh hair on national television. Then they drink at 6 a.m.

Actual Worst Date Ever: Not only did Ben wake up the women at 5 a.m., which is awful. He then puts them on a boat and announces they are going swimming with sharks. Since they have been living with Courtney they should be well prepared for this. However, as the captains litter the water with chum (a.k.a. bloody fish bits) Rachel admits she is terrified of sharks. Guess she should have put “fear of lobsters” on her Bachelor application like Emily, or “fear of Rachel monopolizing time with Ben” like Kacie. Ben told Rachel that her fears made it “real” and that’s what he likes, because he is a sado-masochist. Then he gave the rose to Kacie B.

Poor Decision: Despite knowing the error of Emily’s ways, Nicki and Kacie decided to tell Ben their true feelings about Courtney. While they wisely couched their diagnosis of “Mega Bitch” in terms of wanting the best for Ben, it’s a strange choice. Nicki claimed she just wanted Ben to end up with someone who will “give him 110%,” but since Mike Ditka is taken he has no choice but to stick with Courtney.

Best Cocktail Party Drama: Trick title: There was no cocktail party! After all four dates, Chris Harrison canceled the cocktail party because Ben already knew who should stay and who should go. But before Ben could make his final final decision he had to talk to Courtney. While the other women were sure this was Courtney’s swan song, in reality Ben just wanted to make sure Courtney still liked him, because she didn’t check yes or no on his note. Courtney swore she was always honest and open with Ben, and by open she meant naked, which is good enough for Ben.

The Result: After a few tense moments, Ben gave Courtney the final rose, proving once and for all that he prefers brunettes and possible sociopaths. Rachel felt very rejected, which makes sense as she was very rejected. I blame the sharks. Emily was stunned by her dismissal, but not as stunned as I was that Emily missed the opportunity to rap her farewell message.

Come back next week when Ben gets to meet four disapproving dads. Maybe someone will chase him off with a pitchfork!

What did you think of last night’s adventure in Belize? Let us know in the comments below.

LIST: The Top 10 Unforgettable TV Sounds

LIST: The Top 10 TV Shows of the 2000s