Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars, where D-list stars shake what their mamas gave them while wearing nothing more than sequins, Spanx and spray tans all in pursuit of a Mirror Ball trophy sure to match no one’s interior. It’s a fast-paced and cutthroat competition where last week we bid a tear-filled farewell to singer Christina Milian (And this week, had to Google to remember her name.)
It’s the mid-point of the competition, with eight contestants left to samba, cha cha and waltz it out in the hopes of making it to the finale.
Here’s what happened on Dancing with the Stars:
Most Surprising Choreographer: Mandy Moore choreographed the show’s opening routine. Why? Because she can. If you were an actress and singer and hadn’t done anything of note in a bit, why not engage in random acts of choreography?
Least Improved: Last week, Saved by the Bell star Elizabeth Berkley and Val Chmerkovskiy earned the season’s first perfect score. So the only direction to go was down. Luckily, their fast-paced, rapid-fire quickstep was well executed. Len declared it a “UFO — utterly full on” and the couple earned a 27/30.
Best Attempt At Nerdom: Pretty Little Liar‘s bit player Brant Daugherty attempted to play down his hunkiness by dancing a jive while wearing plaid pants, a bow tie, suspenders and two-tone oxfords while shaking it to “Tutti Frutti.” It didn’t work, though because Bruno still called him a “frisky schoolboy.” He earned a 27/30 despite the fact that he slipped on Peta Murgatroyd‘s skirt during the routine and didn’t once take his shirt off.
Best Audience Member: Chelsea Handler, who was in the audience to support her friend Leah Remini, used her moment on camera to gleefully remind host Tom Bergeron that she is sexually attracted to him. Which rendered the usually unflappable host almost — almost! — tongue-tied.
Best Reason To Girl Fight: After her salsa earned her a 26/30, Leah horned in on her friend’s man by jumping up and down all over Tom.
Best Paddling: Carrie-Ann Inaba broke her paddle when she whipped it out to give Jack Osbourne a 10 for his jive. Jack got to keep it as a souvenir.
Most Honest Assessment: Jack, who was humbly shocked at his score, laughed in surprise: “I’m built for comfort, not speed.” He didn’t let it go to his head, though, because Len only gave him an 8.
Pot, Meet Kettle: Glee star Amber Riley reminded us all why she was the frontrunner after the first episode with her dramatic paso dobles. Luckily, Carrie-Ann had a new 10-paddle to score the routine. When Bruno Tonioli served up a 9, Len Goodman groused, “This girl is full of talent, I don’t have to tell you what Bruno’s full of.”
Most Self-Aware Contestant: Pursuant to nothing, Snooki announced that she is a squirrel monkey on the dance floor.
Wishful Thinking: Comedian Bill Engvall wanted to score a few 9s for all the work he put into his quickstep routine. Guess he should have used The Secret because his “Viva Las Vegas”-set quickstep routine earned a 23/30, with nary a 9 in sight.
Lowest Self-Esteem: While Snooki wanted to channel a chihuahua during her samba to “Hey Mama,” she ended the dance feeling like a “turtle”. The judges thought her reptilian routine was great, giving her samba a respectable 27/30.
Most Magical Weather Pattern: Before High School Musical star Corbin Bleu was able to dance his cha cha with Karina Smirnoff, it started to pour magical CGI rain in the ballroom. Instead of taking this as a sign from the universe to hang up their jazz shoes, the duo cha-cha’d their way to a nearly-perfect 29/30.
Best Judge’s Comment: To justify giving Corbin a nine, Len criticized the hip-twisting dance moves: “Gyrating comes somewhere between rap music and a baby crying for me — I just want it to stop.”
The Spookiest Bombom: To celebrate Halloween/kill time, DWTS opted to have a dance-off. Team Spooky Bombom (Bill, Snooki, Elizabeth and Leah) went first with a Dancing Dead zombie-freestyle routine set to Sam and the Womp’s “Bom Bom”. They earned a 27/30.
Best Dancing Meme: The second team opted to call themselves Team Foxing Awesome, causing Tom to note, “I’m one shot glass away from mispronouncing that.” The team of Brant, Jack, Amber and Corbin set their routine to the viral video song “The Fox( What Does The Fox Say?)” by Ylvis, because, why not? This is Dancing with the Stars after all. The routine featured fox ears, fox tails and multiple fox costume changes. “I felt like I was on an acid trip,” said Carrie-Ann before handing out another 10. The team earned a perfect 30/30, though their routine wasn’t nearly as good as Jimmy Fallon’s version.
The Results: After the dance off, Tom announced that everyone on Team Foxing Awesome was safe, meaning someone from Team Spooky Bombom was going home, with Bill and Leah sitting at the bottom of the leaderboard.
So Who Went Home: Snooki. Wailing, “Why am I leaving a zombieeeeee?” as she tested the effectiveness of her waterproof zombie makeup. Hopefully, she remembered to take off her death-face makeup before going home to her child.