Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars, where the show’s 16th season is rolling right along, despite the fact that no one has been voted off yet. Last week, ice-skating legend Dorothy Hamill handed in her Spandex and retired from the ballroom on doctor’s orders. Her injury-related departure meant that we will never know which star was supposed to leave last week.
This week, dust off your tuxedo, strap on your corsage ,and practice your slow dance, because DWTS is taking us to prom. To help set the mood, host Tom Bergeron is wearing the requisite powder-blue tuxedo, while Brooke Burke-Charvat has sky-high hair and a hot pink mini-dress on—the only thing missing from her ensemble is a satin Prom Queen sash. We get it, Brooke, you were popular in high school. As with most proms, DWTS will crown a king and queen—though chosen not by ballot, but through Twitter. The winning couples will earn two extra points to their total score and, of course, have something to add to their OK Cupid profiles.
Here’s what happened on Dancing with the Stars last night:
Prom Night Memories: DWTS uses the first few minutes of the show to introduce us to the concept of a “group prom dance,” where we get to watch the contestants make chuckleheads of themselves in bite-size morsels. Highlights: Andy Dick doing the sprinkler, Kellie Pickler falling on Derek Hough’s head, Jacoby Jones using Karina Smirnoff as a human mop, and Lindsay Arnold’s skirt getting stuck on her sequins. Yep, just like real prom.
Nice Try, Old Lady: In her training video, Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman explains that she wants to prove that even though she’s only 18, she can compete on—and maybe even win—Dancing with the Stars. Any other year, that sentiment would be an effective vote-getter, but when there’s a 16-year old on the show—and she’s a better dancer than you—it’s just silly.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers: When Aly and Mark Ballas’ Viennese waltz ended, in a very Len-like way, judge Len Goodman announced that he wasn’t pleased. And then, as the audience booed, Len, in a very un-Len-like way, announced, “April Fools!”
The Brookest Question: When Aly goes to Brooke’s aerie to get her score, she has to survive Brooke’s strangely blunt line of questioning, “You’re only 18, and you’ve never been in love, so how do you even have emotions to show in the dance?” Aly looks like a squirrel in headlights until the judges save her by quickly doling out their scores of 23/30.
Most Blinding Moment: At the end of Andy’s and Sharna’s cha-cha to Rod Stewart’s “If You Like My Body,” Andy ripped his shirt open and flashed the judges. While you may have been tempted to scream, “My eyes! My eyes!” it wasn’t as bad as you might think. As Andy told Brooke Burke-Charvat: he may not be drinking anymore, but he always has a six-pack.
Best Criticism: “You’re like a sneeze, you know it’s coming, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” Len told Andy at the end of the routine. “You can’t dance, you know that, but you make me feel good.” That’s got to be enough for Andy. He earned 18/30 for making Len feel good.
The Boy Least Likely To…: There’s nothing wrong with General Hospital’s Ingo Radebacher and Kym Johnson’s passable pasodobles, it just doesn’t stand out from the crowd in any way. Their score: 21/30.
Good Plan: One thing that Real Housewife Lisa Vanderpump has going for her is that she knows reality television. And she does know what viewers want to see, and thus has a lot of ideas for getting votes—most of which involve convincing Gleb Savchenko to remove his shirt.
Best Historical Reenactment: Judge Bruno Tonioli told Lisa her Viennese waltz was like “watching the Empress Josephine waltz in the mirrored halls of Versailles.” Their score: 21/30.
Smells Like Teen Spirit: Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough opted to cut loose to “Footloose,” and it’s always nice to think of Kenny Loggins getting a royalty check. As for the dance, in the words of Carrie-Ann, “That was ridiculously amazing.” Then Len named her Prom Queen. And no one dumped a bucket of pigs’ blood on her.
Seriously, Len’s Been Bodysnatched: Bruno and Carrie Ann gave Derek and Kellie 8s, but Len doled out a 9 to the dancing duo.
The Biggest Tearjerker: Boxer Victor Ortiz didn’t go to his prom because he was too poor, and was more or less a street kid at the time.
Okay, Len Is Back: So far this season, contemporary routines have brought out the best in the dancers. And Victor’s barefoot routine was no different. It even got Bruno on his feet to applaud their effort. He and Carrie-Ann couldn’t believe Victor’s transformation into a dancer. Len was “pleasantly surprised.” They earned a 27/30.
Best Bergeronism of the Night: Pursuant to absolutely nothing, Tom announced, “We’re so proud: the Audobon Society has declared Brooke’s hair as a nesting habitat.”
Ouch! After comedian DL Hughley and Cheryl Burke’s salsa to James Brown’s “Sex Machine.” Len sniped, “If you’re a sex machine, I’m America’s Next Top Model.” Even Bruno got in on the DL bashing, saying, “You looked like you had hip replacement.” For his part, DL rejoindered, “Whenever I move my hips, I have a baby. The dance just reminded me of child support.”
Good Point: After earning 16/30 from the judges, the King of Comedy noted, “I’m just glad felons can vote on Dancing with the Stars.”
Proudest Mom: Karina Smirnoff and Super Bowl winner Jacoby Jones performed a sultry rumba that featured a shirtless Jacoby and a Katrina floor mop. Bruno was a fan, but not nearly as much as Jacoby’s mom, who was shouting, “That’s my baby! That’s my baby!” They got 24/30.
Rock of Ages: Since Tony Dovolani has no idea what to do with Wynona Judd, each week he seems determined to make the voters laugh. This week he dressed up as Bret Michaels to Wynona’s Lita Ford in their dance to Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” Unfortunately, the judges weren’t moved by Wynona’s lack of movement. “You’re like Mt. Rushmore, you look magnificent, but you don’t move,” said Len.
Good Attitude: While Wynona and Tony earned a measly 15/30, Wynona didn’t take it personally, “I’m a singer, not a dancer.”
Worst Outfit: Bachelor Sean Lowe in overalls and a hard hat. Despite the fashion faux pas, the judges deemed his and Peta’s cha-cha to the wedding/bar mitzvah classic “YMCA,” Sean’s best dance yet.
Junior Prom: Zendaya Coleman and Val Chmerkovskiy have a distinct disadvantage, in that neither of them have been to prom before. Instead, the 16-year old Disney star dedicates her performance to her grandmother who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Their Viennese waltz to “Que Sera” earns them a 24/30.
Best Reason To Come Back Tomorrow: Huey Lewis is performing! And someone may finally go home!