Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars, where once again I must start with a mea culpa. Last night, I was so dazzled by mirrored bodices, body glitter and Peta Murgatroyd’s hair bagel that I failed to mention that, for some reason, Super Bowl champion Jacoby Jones and Katrina Smirnoff kicked off their dance by walking on stage as a teetering, towering two-man tall guy in a raincoat. No, really. Like when all the Muppets stand on each others’ shoulders, slap on a raincoat and try to get a Hollywood producer to take them seriously. Why did Katrina opt to start the dance like that? Who knows, but I like the way she thinks. Here’s hoping they are selected for tonight’s encore performance so we can relive the moment. That said, we can’t live in the past when there’s a results show waiting to happen. Who will reign supreme? And who will go home tonight? Let’s find out.
Here’s what happened last night on Dancing with the Stars:
Good Start: You know the DWTS season is underway and all is well and as it should be when a nearly shirtless Chmerkovskiy is surrounded by 12 women. With Maks in a season-long time out, Val is the Chmerkovskiy for the job.
The Thrill of Live Television: Something was wonky with the sound system, so when Brooke Burke Charvat was trying to announce who was safe, she ended up shouting “Ingo and Kym” three times, “Bueller?…Bueller?…Bueller?”–style. Eventually, General Hospital star Ingo Rademacher and his partner Kym Johnson realized they were safe.
Fastest Results in the West: Because the show is “only” an hour long, host Tom Bergeron delivered some rapid-fire results: The Bachelor Sean Lowe is safe, too.
Best Reaction: Wynonna Judd, bless her heart, seems to have no idea why she is still on the show, even though it’s only week two. When Brooke announces that she’s safe, she looks positively stunned. And slightly disoriented.
First Jeopardy: Boxer Victor and Lindsay are in danger of going home. Why them? Because Victor got the ugly edit and looked like a jerk during rehearsal and Lindsay is completely unknown. Also: their dance was completely unmemorable. Maybe Victor can hug everyone for more votes?
Repeat Performance: Sixteen-year old Disney star Zendaya Coleman and Val Chmerkovskiy were selected by ardent Twitter followers to deliver a repeat performance of their Merrie Melodies-esque jive. I would happily watch their dance again just to watch Zendaya’s lanky limbs fly all over the place like a disco-happy jellyfish. In a good way.
Bring It On: Olympic gymnast and Fierce Five member Aly Raisman and Mark Ballas are safe. Aly is a good dancer, but she’s going to have to up the charisma if she wants us to remember her each week, especially coming on the heels of former teammate Shawn Johnson’s performance on DWTS All Stars.
Squeakiest Wheel: Never think that American audiences are without sympathy. Despite abysmal scores, a bit of a whiny streak and not one, but two Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown references, King of Comedy DL Hughley and his partner Cheryl Burke are safe.
Best Idea: Newbie pro Gleb Savchenko, who is getting the hang of this DWTS thing pretty quickly, suggests that the only way for Lisa Vanderpump and Len to improve their scores is for the Real Housewife to to sleep with Len. Lisa agrees to the plan. But it might be too late, as they are in jeopardy this week.
DWTS Milestone: Week 2 is when, according to Kellie Pickler, “It gets real.”
I Don’t Care, I Love It: Swedish electro-pop duo Icona Pop turn the DWTS stage into a rave, complete with glowsticks and black lights, to perform their fast-burning hit “I Love It.” Even the judges couldn’t help dancing to the song, with Bruno Tonioli spinning a glowstick over his head. The band only had to change half their PG-13 lyrics for prime time.
Meet the Troupe: The newest members of the Dancing with the Stars family are hazed via a dance routine. Welcome to the show. Hope you like spray tans.
Smallest Surprises: Disney star Zendaya Coleman and Val Chmerkovisky; country singer Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough; and Super Bowl champion Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff are all safe. As they should be.
Josh Groban-est: Josh Groban sang a Josh Groban song while people danced to Josh Groban. And that was very Josh Groban.
Stop That Right Now: According to Brooke Burke-Charvat, Peta Murgatroyd and Bachelor Sean Lowe invented a new internet meme akin to planking called “The Murga-Lowe” and they had the photographic evidence to prove it. However, a Google, Twitter and Instagram search produced nothing. Stop trying to make “The Murga-Lowe” happen, Dancing with the Stars.
The Bottom: Andy Dick deserves to survive another week because he staged a Less Than Perfect reunion in the audience while he danced, with Sara Rue, Zachary Levi, Patrick Warburton, Sherri Shepherd, Will Sasso, and Eric Roberts all showing up in the audience to support him. His time in jeopardy only lasted a minute before Tom told him he was safe.
Sad Surprise: We are about to bid farewell to either Lisa Vanderpump or Victor Ortiz, when Dorothy Hamill suddenly rushes the stage. She tearfully announces that, on orders from her doctor, she has to withdraw from the competition. She explains that a recent injury could lead to irreparable nerve damage if she continued. She left with grace and dignity. And even made Andy Dick cry.
So who goes home? Only Dorothy Hamill. Lisa Vanderpump and Victor Ortiz will survive to justify their existence next week.
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: It’s Prom Night! What does that mean in the DWTS-land? Who knows? But I can’t wait to find out.