In this “exciting” second installment of the two-night event, Bachelor Sean Lowe is taking his harem north. Yes, further north than Montana. To Canada’s Banff National Park, in fact, where the establishing shots of mating elk help set the mood. As Sean uses his tiny little divining rod to find his wife amongst the over-Spanxed masses, the women risk life, limb and several kissing diseases to prove themselves worthy of his love.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelor last night:
First Date: Catherine, the graphic designer from Seattle with ombre hair and nose ring, finally gets a one-on-one date with Sean. That means Daniella and Tierra are the two women Sean doesn’t want to be left alone with.
Backseat Driver: Sean picks Catherine up for her date in a snow bus, because nothing says romance like a monster utility vehicle. Catherine sits directly right behind Sean in the enormous empty vehicle, demanding to know if he knows where they are going. That’s certainly one way to prove you’re wife material.
Best Reason To Blame Sean For Global Warming: “I never get cold when I’m with him,” Catherine claims as Sean takes her from a snow-covered mountain to an even more snow-covered mountain.
Okay, Cupid: What does Sean look for in a life partner? A woman who can make snow angels, apparently.
Take Note, Disney: For the evening portion of the date, Sean picks Catherine up in a surrey and transports her to an ice castle. She is certain that she and her Prince Charming will find their happily ever after. After Prince Charming ditches the other eight women, of course.
Love Count: Sean “can see himself with Catherine.” NB: He could also see himself with Desiree, Lesley and Lindsay.
Group Date: Instead of spending quality alone time with Tierra or Daniella, Sean opts for a second one-on-one date with Desiree. The rest of the women will be forced to play intramural sports …for love!
Canoe For Your Love: While Lesley relaxes in a canoe (as Sean rows), the other women are risking life, limb and manicure by manning the oars on their own boat. Sarah is rowing as hard as she can (with one arm), complaining about the difficulty of the task, but says she’ll do whatever it takes to find love—silently adding “with a guy who’s a jerk.”
For The Swimsuit Portion Of The Competition: Sean likes women who enjoy life, so he tries to kill them all by asking them to jump into an icy lake. Is there anything more romantic than a stunt that requires a lifeguard and an EMT?
Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken: ” [Sean] kept saying ‘it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity’. No, it’s not. I could come back anytime and do this. I just don’t want to.” — Selma, the smart one, refusing to go on a polar bear plunge into a glacier-fed lake. Amen, sister.
Medical Mystery: Lesley, the Washington D.C. political consultant, fantasizes about getting hypothermia so Sean will give her CPR. Is CPR the recommended treatment for hypothermia?
The Most Bleep-Filled Bachelor Moment Ever: Six girls in bikinis—and Sean swear like sailors on shore leave as they take the dive. Everyone thinks it’s invigorating, except for Tierra who thinks it’s an opportunity for attention. As the other girls had the time of their lives, Tierra had some time with the EMT. As she’s carted off to hot chocolate and warming blanket land, Sean comforts his other six girlfriends. It must be exhausting to be a bigamist.
Rule No. 1 — Always Wear Waterproof Mascara: Tierra’s self-diagnosis of hypothermia is based on running mascara. After Catherine and Desiree go to check on her, Catherine shares her opinion, “She literally had hypothermia. That’s what she told us.” Desiree’s diagnosis? “She was definitely disheveled,” which, on this show, is a life-threatening illness.
Truthiness: Sean goes to visit Tierra, who is recuperating from her supposedly life-threatening injury, by eating a burger and fixing her hair. As she lies in bed, she tells Sean that while on death’s door she was thinking, “This guy better marry me! I’m kidding.” “No you’re not.” No, she wasn’t.
No Points For Trying: Even though Tierra shoved her frozen feet into heels to hobble to the group-date cocktails, Lesley gets the rose. Tierra does not approve. Sadly, Sean doesn’t have a bunny she can boil.
The Big Letdown: After making the one-armed girl paddle across a lake, Sean decides to give Sarah gets the boot. He does his best to let her down gently, but telling her she is one of the best girls he’s ever met means very little when Tierra is still sitting there with a slightly crazy look in her eye.
Real Tears Require Waterproof Mascara Too: Sarah cries, but her tears are not selfish or humiliating. They’re refreshingly humble and honest—can we all go give Sarah a hug? Also: Line to kick Sean in the shins forms to the left.
Rappelling As Relationship Metaphor: Before shoving Desiree off a mountain, Sean says, “I’m teaching Des to rappel, because I want to show her if you commit to something, you make it work.” It works, too, because after confronting her fears, Desiree announces: “Rappelling down the mountain was, seriously, like a relationship.”
Fashion Don’t: For their after-party, Sean is wearing a sweater from the Grizzly Adams girls’ collection. Des claims she is falling in love with him despite this fashion faux pas.
Heresy For Love: Selma wouldn’t jump in a glacier for love, but she will rain shame down upon her family and religion by kissing Sean on television. She held out for two weeks!
Polar Bear Swim As Metaphor For Relationship: Ashlee jumped into a glacial lake not as a stupid stunt, but as a symbol of “stepping out of [her] comfort zone” and “jumping in with Sean.” But she’s not done with symbolism. She hands Sean a blindfold to “symbolize what I’d allow you to do in this relationship.” That 50 Shades of Grey-fanatic who Sean kicked off in the first round is undoubtedly yelling at her television set about now.
Rose Ceremony: Since Catherine, Desiree and Lesley already have roses, Sean hands the first roses of the night to Lindsay and Ashlee. With only one rose remaining, Tierra, Selma and Daniella all look nervous. Then Sean calls Tierra, and while it’s easy to blame the producers, it’s also easy to think that Sean has a head injury. Selma, however, is leaving with “a heartbreak and a memory” and a stain upon her reputation, shame on her family and probably a ticked off mama waiting at home. Daniella is hurt, because Sean never gave her a shot at love. Oh well, I hear they are re-booting Rock of Love.
Best Reason To Tune In Next Week: Sean is overcome with a sense of clarity that these are the six women he wants to take to St. Croix.