The Bachelor Watch: Fight! Fight! Fight!

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Francisco Roman / ABC

Tierra and Sean on "The Bachelor," Feb. 11, 2013.

Welcome back to The Bachelor—where Sean is sorting the remaining six women into two piles: Wife and Not Wife. With hometown dates looming, the women are all rushing to prove their Wife-worthiness by showing Sean their vulnerabilities and their strengths (and laughing all the way lest Sean think they aren’t “fun.”) Sean has brought the women to St. Croix for the swimsuit portion of the competition and rumor has it, his sister is coming down to assess the assets.

Here’s what happened on The Bachelor this week:

Cue Deck Chairs On The Titanic Joke: While the rest of the women settle into their new life in St. Croix, Tierra is re-arranging the furniture in the suite in order to sleep on a cot in the hallway, away from the other women.

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First Date: Sean invites Ashlee out for the first one-on-one date in St. Croix. She’s wearing a mis-matched bikini, which distracts from her tear-filled and heartfelt interview about how Sean has helped her process her abandonment issues that stem from how her parents, you know, abandoned her. Ashlee says she’s so happy to finally have someone to share her deepest secrets with and open up to. She’s talking about the camera, of course.

Sour Grapes: Tierra hasn’t come to the acceptance stage of the process of realizing that the producers are forcing Sean to keep her around because the show needs a villain. So when Ashlee, who is all of 32, gets the date, Tierra can’t help but sing, “The cougar’s back in town, the cougar’s back in town.” The tune won’t be heading to the top of the pop charts any time soon, but does get its point across.

Least Shocking Reveal: Ashlee is falling head over heels for Sean. She claims she goes to sleep thinking about him and their future together. He is her future husband. He gives her chills, I guess that’s what the kids are calling it these days.

Second Date: Tierra finally gets a date card, because otherwise it would be too obvious that the producers were deus ex machina-ing the whole thing. Instead of cheering, Tierra whines that her makeup will melt off in the St. Croix heat. That would make great television.

The Big Reveal: Ashlee is not a virgin. Because she was married when she was 17!  She tells Sean the news as gently as she can, but Sean breaks it down: You were a married high-school junior? Ashlee assures him that she knew marrying her high-school boyfriend was a mistake—and that’s why they broke up before senior prom.

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The Bachelor Milestone Reached: After Sean deems her not ruined by a one-year high school marriage, Ashlee stands on a chair and shouts to the stars, “I love Sean!” She swears she’s not going to stop telling him that …until she is cut from the show in favor of someone who knows how to match a bikini top and bottom.

Smartest Move: To get through his date with Tierra, Sean starts with an alcoholic drink, all the better for pointing and laughing when Tierra’s makeup melts off. Then he takes her shopping (“Sean knows me so well!”) and dancing (“I love to dance!”). Despite the fact that Sean knows her so well, he boldly asks her if she would do things differntly in the house with the other girls. She boldly says no, arrogantly adding, “These girls won’t be here for much longer.” Then she tells him she’s falling for him.

Crown Him King Solomon: Sean has decided that he believes that Tierra isn’t nice to the other women, but he doesn’t care.

Group Date: Sean decides to kick off his date with Desiree, Catherine and Lindsay by breaking into their house and taking photos of them while they sleep, which is never not creepy. Sean giggles that girls hate being seen without makeup, the women giggle that Sean thinks it’s still the ’60s.

Apocalypse Now: Desiree loves the smell of roses in the morning. She announces, “Today is a good day to get a rose,” and then takes the lead on the date much to the chagrin of Catherine and Lindsay. The quartet makes a road trip all the way across St. Croix, which sounds impressive until you realize the island is less than 30 miles long.

Whatever It Takes: The girls are all angling for the date rose, which will ensure a visit to their hometown. Lindsay makes her pitch “fun,” “I like everything about this! It’s crazy!” Catherine goes deep, sharing about her father’s depression and suicide attempt. Sean manages to mutter, “Thank you,” while not sounding grateful at all. Desiree comes up with tears. So who gets the rose? Lindsay, the one who met Sean while wearing a wedding dress.

Second One-On-One Date: Sean likes Lesley, but their relationship is not where it should be. He hopes a picnic will fix that. Lesley wants to tell Sean that she is falling in love with him, but, basically, doesn’t want to look dumb on national television. Her intelligence is showing, which, sadly, does not bode well for her future on the show.

Good Advice: Sean’s sister arrives and reminds him of her one piece of advice: Don’t end up with the girl that no one likes. It takes him two minutes to realize she’s talking about Tierra.

The Fight: Tierra figures out that Ashlee “literally” threw her under the bus with Sean and decides to have it out with her. The resulting fight was ten of the best minutes of The Bachelor ever, including the following highlights:

Best Line Ever: “I can’t control my eyebrow.” —Tierra, speaking from the heart.

Second Best Line Ever: “Tierra, you have a sparkle.” —Tierra’s parents, apparently “sparkle” is a euphemism for a potential need for medication

Scariest Line: “Girls are jealous. Men love me.” —Tierra, proving once and for all that denial isn’t a river in Egypt but a psychological condition

Best Response to Tierra’s Outburst: “Go to your cot!” — Ashlee, nailing it.

Not Clear On the Concept: Tierra barks at Ashlee, “I did not just say that,” apparently unaware that they are surrounded by cameras, which are capturing every moment and can easily show that, in fact, Tierra did just say that.

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Deep Thoughts With Sean Lowe: Tierra, apparently unaware that crying involves tears, fak- sobs into her hands when Sean comes in. He assesses the situation and takes a step outside to mull things over by staring broodily into the distance, which on The Bachelor counts as a deep thought.

Best Break Up: Sean tells Tierra that he cares so much about her that she should go home.  That he can’t keep her here knowing how hard it is for her. He laughably asks her if she wants to say goodbye to the girls, she doesn’t, and he sends her home. She doesn’t even argue. He’s good, he’s really good.

Lessons Learned: As Tierra cries in the van, two things are clear: No one will “take her sparkle away” and she finally bought some waterproof mascara.

Cocktail Party: Sean tells the women that Tierra was sent home because he realized that she was not going to be his wife. Then he announces that he doesn’t like drama, shoots Ashlee a look, and announces that there will be no cocktail party and everyone should just drink quietly (read: body shots!) until the rose ceremony.

The Rose Ceremony: Chris Harrison earns his paycheck by reminding the women that Sean is handing out not just roses, but chances to show off their mom’s meatloaf recipe on national television. Lindsay has her rose, so Sean is only doling out three tonight. First up: Desiree, followed by Catherine. While Ashlee is freaking out about her role in the day’s drama, it’s Lesley who is going home. Ashley sighs in relief that “her husband” gave her a rose.

So Long, Farewell: Sean walks Lesley out, but even on the eve of departure, Lesley refuses to cave into crying and instead  stiff-upper-lips it through her farewell interview. On the other hand, Catherine is bawling her eyes out that Lesley is leaving.

Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Hometown visits where we get to meet the families that created these women.

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