Welcome to Dancing with the Stars: All Stars Edition: Judgement Night, Part Two with a Vengeance: Special Victims Unit. Last night’s performances ended with Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan and her professional dance partner Louis van Amstel at the top of the leaderboard and self-professed redneck woman Bristol Palin and her partner Mark Ballas bringing up the rear. Tonight, someone goes home, after we sit through an hour and fifty-five minutes of filler.
The Worst Hour of Television: ABC apparently had nothing to air between the hours of 8 and 9 p.m. EST and opted to recap the most memorable dances of the Dancing with the Stars All Stars. Here’s a recap of the recap: Everyone who didn’t win was robbed; everyone who won totally deserved it. Also, no one looks as good in glitter body paint as they think they do. Highlight? The time when both of Kelly Monaco’s shirt straps broke and she finished her dance anyway, like a boss. A boss with a lot of boob tape, that is.
Least Surprising Save: Since Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan and Louis van Amstel were given the honor of repeating their dance for the judges (read: killing time during this endless hour of fluff), it was no surprise when they were announced safe. If they remain on the show much longer, I may have to find out what exactly a Cheetah Girl is.
Most Surprising Save: Drew Lachey and Anna Trebunskaya are safe despite the fact that every time I blink I forget Drew Lachey exists, much like that guy in Memento, who has to leave himself Post-it notes with his vital statistics and dog’s name. Despite this handicap, Drew Lachey lives to dance another day.
Most Deserving Jeopardy: Joey Fatone is in the bottom three and for good reason. It wasn’t that his steps were sloppy or his toes weren’t pointed enough or that he shimmied when he should have shook. It’s that he tormented a perfectly good Radiohead song on national television. What did “Creep” ever do to you, Fatone?
The Singing Interlude: British singing upstart Cher Lloyd is the anti-Taylor Swift. For every song that Taylor sings about how she is never ever ever ever getting back together with her ex, Cher joyfully sings (not especially well) “I Want U Back.”
Best Reminder That Dance is an Art: The Macy’s Stars of Dance make their weekly All Stars appearance to remind viewers that dance does not always involve a past-their-prime D-list celebrity making jazz hands while wearing hot pants and body paint. Sometimes dance is a thing of seemingly effortless ethereal beauty. Sometimes that does not include Joey Fatone.
Best Button Shortage Ever: When the Dancing with the Stars troupe performs, the male dancers rush the ballroom floor with nary a button on their shirts—forcing us to stare at their six-pack abs. Save the horror for the Halloween episode, folks!
Most Shrug-worthy Moment: Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerkovskiy are in jeopardy despite being relatively non-annoying within the context of this competition. That said, seeing a grown woman dressed like a Disney princess and not skating on ice with a giant Chipmunk is a bit disconcerting.
Most Triumphant Return: Katherine Jenkins came back to the ballroom where she competed on last season’s Dancing with the Stars to return to the art form that made her famous in the first place: singing. She shows up with Placido Domingo in tow, and when they perform the judges don’t get to say word.
Worst Bergeronism of the Evening: Pursuant to almost nothing, before the results were announced, Tom Bergeron declared that Gilles Marini wanted to make a special shout-out to everyone in Cleavage, Ohio. Gilles just blinked at him blankly, which is all that comment deserved. Tom, America needs better from you.
Most Lamentable Juxtaposition: Helio Castroneves is in jeopardy and you have never seen a sadder looking man dressed in hot pink sparkles in your life. Well, not since Boy George was in court.
The Bottom: Kelly and Val are safe, which means it is finally time for the inevitable Indy 500 vs N’ Sync face-off civilization has been waiting for.
The Results: Joey Fatone said Bye Bye Bye. Yes, the boy band member is out and is going to have a lot more time to practice for the N’ Sync reunion where, god willing, they will do absolutely zero Radiohead covers.
Bleakest Reality Show Crossover: As Joey Fatone said his fond farewells, the DWTS house band broke into a heartfelt rendition of “Home,” the song written to be American Idol winner Phillip Phillips’ debut single. A song the singer was contractually obligated to not bad mouth, but managed to anyway.
Worst Reason to Tune in Next Week: Judge Len Goodman tasked the celebrities with being their own creative directors. Yes, the inmates are running the asylum and the ratings will undoubtedly be sky high.
Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: A double elimination! That means two of these all-star contestants will have to go back to their day jobs—be it Cheetah Girl or whatever it is that Drew Lachey (thanks Post-it note!) does for a living.