Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars: All Stars, where we are all mourning the loss of Baywatch cast member and putative ballroom all-star after her shocking elimination during round one. Just kidding! No one was surprised that Ms. Anderson was booted except perhaps for Ms. Anderson herself who may have thought certain assets would carry her through at least the first few rounds of competition. Sorry, Ms. Anderson, your feet just weren’t cutting it!
Let’s see what happened this week:
Best Joanie Hates Chachi Moment: If it was possible for the 1950s to roll in their grave, the outfits worn by Melissa “Why Am I Famous?” Rycroft and her partner Tony Dovolani as they danced the jive may do it. The judges loved it, but I just don’t remember that much body glitter in Happy Days.
The Best Moment: While they were judging Melissa Rycroft’s jive, crotchety old Len Goodman told flibbertigibbet Bruno Tonioli to shut up, not once, but twice. Truly a delight to witness.
Point Made: Bristol Palin decides to take Mark Ballas to a shooting range in order to prove to him that “Redneck Woman” is the appropriate song choice for her, in case he had any doubts. Nothing that a few rounds with a semi-automatic weapon and a quick step in glittery short shorts and cowboy boots in front of a neon cactus can’t prove.
Most Formula One Is Not NASCAR Moment: Indy 500 winner Helio Castroneves took Chelsie Hightower for a spin around the track and she wanted to barf, but didn’t. Good segment, right? Then he stepped onto the dance floor in slim fitting hot pink satin and sequins and scored 23 out of 30.
Long Live the Patriarchy: After Karina Smirnoff dissed his manhood, Olympian Apolo Anton Ohno turned to Siri (another woman) for help with his quickstep, but his iPhone couldn’t help him, and Apolo had to man up. The judges applauded his ability to lead the dance, even though it was all because Karina hollered at him.
Weirdest Entrance: Cheetah Girl Sabrina “I Don’t Even Know Why I’m Famous” Bryan and her partner Louis van Amstel were having so much fun palling around with Bristol Palin and Joey Fatone that they had to run to the stage to perform their quick step on time. Pay attention people, this is the All Stars!
Highest Score: Just kidding, it was all part of the dance! Sabrina and Louis got the highest score of the night, including the first 9 of the season, even though Louis dropped her during rehearsal. Come back next week when he tries to re-live the magic by dropping her again!
Creepiest Prop: To help Kirstie Alley with her foot and leg work, Maks Chmerkovskiy pinioned her legs together with hacked-up rubber gloves. Then he put her in a fright wig and sparkles and escorted her to the dance floor. Expect a script for the next Hannibal Lecter reboot in the morning, Maks.
Hardest Choice: Emmitt Smith tested the loyalty of Dallas Cowboy fans last night when he took to the dance floor to perform his quick step. You see, the Dallas Cowboys were also playing on Monday Night Football. What’s a Cowboy fan to do? Watch the Lions, like everyone else.
Least Shocking Shock: Tom Bergeron tries to convince the viewing audience that the fact Drew “Less Famous Than Nick” Lachey was in the bottom two was shocking, but it wasn’t. Quit trying to make Drew happen, DWTS!
Best Plea For Votes: All dolled up in his guy-liner and sleeveless shirt, Drew Lachey swears that he loves Ohio, but doesn’t wants to go home yet. Clearly he is using reverse psychology and is really home sick. Send Drew home!
Weirdest Song Choice Ever: Radiohead’s post-apocalyptic “Creep” set to a ’20s swing beat as Joey Fatone dressed like Charlie Chaplin and slapsticked his way around the stage. After last week’s decision to torment Michael Jackson’s ghost with a DWTS rendition of “PYT,” Thom Yorke’s eye is watching you, Fatone.
Best Song Choice: When Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson chooses to dance to a song from the Hairspray soundtrack, it’s a nice reminder that there’s a small chance that somewhere out there John Waters is hate-watching this show.
Least Memorable Dance: Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerkovskiy apparently danced and scored reasonably well, but two minutes after the performance it is gone from memory. Pretty sure that’s not a desirable skill set, although it sounds like an okay super power.
Biggest Tonsorial Travesty: Current DWTS frontrunner Gilles Marini and his partner Peta Murgatroyd must have failed to tip their hairdressers last week, because this week it looks like they got their hair did in a truck stop restroom hair dryer by an angry horde of pitchfork-wielding barbers.
The Scores: Topping the leaderboard are Sabrina Bryan and Louis van Amstel with 26 points, while Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas loiter in the basement with 18 points.
Come back tomorrow to see which of these ersatz celebrities is blowing this popsicle stand.