The Bachelorette Watch: Safe At Home

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Did the CDC just notice an uptick in cooties? That’s because America just got a little more The Bachelorette. The reality show has returned to American soil after their half-way-around-the-world jaunt looking for love in all the wrong places like dungeons in the Czech Republic. The only thing standing between Bachelorette Emily Maynard and true love always are four families eager to get their 15 minutes of fame while vetting Emily’s love for their boys.

As Emily reunites with her daughter Ricki, she reminisces about her beaus (and Chris). She pretends to like the fact that Chris could own up to his mistakes, which is the first thing I look for in a life partner. She thinks Jef is unique, like how he only has one “f” in his name. Arie has a “bad boy edge,” which sounds like an euphemism for an STD. He also has a youthful spirit, which sounds like a nice way of saying he’s really immature. Sean is wholesome and hearty like canned soup. So who will win Emily’s heart and hand in marriage? Who knows! In a boring season, here’s hoping the hometown dates will spice things up a bit.

Let’s see whose roses had a thorn in it this week:

First Stop: Chicago. Chris is looking particularly clean cut and used enough hair gel to vie for Jef’s title of goofiest hair.

Biggest Sign: Last week Chris told Emily that he was falling in love with her. She in turn announces that she could see herself falling in love with Chris. She’s vague though, so it’s easy to imagine that she’s referring to some distant post-apocalyptic future where Chris is the only man alive and she falls in love with his ability to kill squirrels with sharpened spoons. These two clearly have a bright future together. A future that will last about two more hours.

Important Fact: In case there’s any doubt, Chris announces, “On a scale of one to Polish, we’re Polish.” This is the most screen time Chris has had all season.

He’s No Fodor’s: Emily is thrilled to have Chris as a tour guide through Chicago, because he grew up in the Windy City and knows all the cool places to take her. So which cool place does he take his date? A completely empty wood-paneled Polish restaurant. Note hipsters: Chris totally knew that place before it was cool.

Worst Compliment: Chris tells Emily that his mother is “overly emotional.” Hope he wrote that on his Mother’s Day card!

Most Optimistic Statement: Chris can’t wait to introduce his family to their future daughter-in-law. Hahaha, Chris is so getting kicked off in the next hour and a half. Tick tock!

No Problem: Chris’s sister Renee begs Emily, that if Chris isn’t the one, to let him know and let him go sooner rather than later. Yeah, give her an hour Renee. More interesting: Emily and Renee look a lot a like. You can’t date your sister on national television! Well, not on ABC anyway.

(MORE: The Bachelorette Watch: Let’s Czech Out Prague)

Lost in Translation: Chris’s Polish-born father tells Chris that Emily is falling in love with him, which is not exactly true. She just meant that she would consider it if every last man on the planet was dead.

Most Honest Revelation: Talking to his father, Chris reveals that there have been times he’s doubted Emily’s feelings about him. Us too, Chris, us too.

L-Bomb: Chris tells Emily that in the last 15 minutes his feelings have evolved. He is no longer falling in love with her, he is in love with her. She smiles politely and they lock lips for awhile.

Grandest Finale: Just when you think the segment is over, Emily and Chris walk into a party filled with traditional Polish dancers in costume. Better Poles than Furries, I always say, and nothing says ‘I love you’ like a traditional Polish dance and some pierogies, right?

Second Stop: St. George, Utah. Jef greets Emily at his family’s dorkily named Holmstead Ranch. Emily is wearing a tiny white sundress to meet the Mormons, which will undoubtedly clash with their below-the-knee garb and perhaps offend their religious sensibilities. To delay the inevitable Jef straps her into a jeep for a ride through the farm and then takes her skeet shooting.

Best Question: After Jef nails ever clay pigeon with this shotgun, Emily ponders, “Who knew Jef and his skinny jeans would be such a good shot?” Who knew indeed.

(MORE: The Bachelorette Watch: London Calling)

No Pressure: Jef’s parents are in South Carolina doing “charity work” (it was said in a very weird voiceover so maybe they are spies?), so Emily has to meet his siblings.The same siblings who got him to break up with a girl because they didn’t like her.

What’s Grosser Than Gross: Jef is dating his sister, too. Not literally, of course, but all of Jef’s sisters have slight builds and long-blonde hair—well, except for the one brunette who snuck onto the ranch one morning and is waiting for someone to notice that she is there. Bet Chris and Jef stayed up late having pillow fights and talking about their Freudian issues.

Sappiest Quote: Love is not an investment, it’s an adventure, says Jef’s brother who clearly spends a lot of time in the Hallmark aisle at Target.

Winner Winner: Taking a page out of Ryan’s book, Jef has spent his downtime journaling and is ready to share his feelings with Emily. He reads her his wishlist, including waking up next to her, being a dad to Ricky and loving her forever. Yeah he pretty much just wrapped this whole thing up. Hope these two crazy kids can come up with a good compromise for bathroom space when it comes to storing all their hair products.

Third Stop: Scottsdale, Arizona. Arie warns Emily that his European family can be challenging. Here’s hoping they make Emily wrestle a family member!

Most Obvious Date: It’s the date we’ve all been waiting for: The one where Arie takes Emily to the race track. That said, it’s not NASCAR, it’s indie car racing, which is sure to get Emily excommunicated from her adopted Hendricks Motorsport Family faster than Jimmy Johnson on a Super Speedway. To set the mood for romance they drive around in circles for awhile.

Most Awkward Moment: At Arie’s parents’ house, Arie’s mom busts out the Dutch in order to talk about Emily in front of Emily. Emily looks thrilled.

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Fun Freudian Fact: Arie doesn’t have any sisters, but his mother is a hot blonde who married his father, a two-time Indy 500 winner also named Arie.

Best Compliment: Arie’s father thinks Emily has “great qualities,” which is Dutch for shiny hair and big hoohahs.

Fourth Stop: Dallas. Upon her arrival in Dallas, Sean takes Emily for a romp in a meadow so she can roll around with puppies. They never show this on the TV show Dallas, which is probably why its ratings are low.

Worst Compliment: Emily calls Sean “wholesome.” Adding insult to injury, she refers to him as “the perfect man” about seven times in a row. Can we start a drinking game?

Insert Your Own Joke: Sean’s young niece and nephew are named Kensington and Smith. Also, Kensington has a playhouse larger than many New York City apartments.

Best/Only Prank: Sean finally confesses that he lives with his parents. Emily summons all her Southern strengthen to smile brightly and joke that she “would live here too” because the house is so nice. Then Sean takes Emily to “his room,” which is a mess and, more alarmingly, filled with stuffed animals. He apologizes that his mom didn’t picked up a little. Emily’s response? That’s all right. I can clean, which is the wrong response. The correct response is to run. Then Sean admits it was all a big joke. Emily still doesn’t run.

(MORELouie Watch: Dad of Anarchy)

Cutest Moment: Sean puts Emily in the car and she starts to drive off, but he chases her down the street hollering, “Emily!” which undoubtedly horrified the neighbors. The car stops and Sean admits that he just wants another kiss.

The (Least Surprising) Rose Ceremony (Ever): Emily is contractually obligated to pretend that this is the most challenging rose ceremony ever for her. She tells the meat that she can only go based on her emotions and not whatever else she would or should be judging them on. (If she was judging their hair, Jef would win by a landslide.) First rose goes to Arie, second rose goes to Jef. Chris Harrison does some math in public to justify his salary and points out to the men and the viewing audience that there is only one rose left. Emily pretends to think about it and then hands the rose to Sean. Chris looks like he is going to punch a nun.

Don’t Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out: Chris is not happy. Emily explains that some of her other relationships  progressed faster, to which he acidly spits, “I told you I loved you!” Nothing says “PHEW!” like getting yelled at during a break up. Emily takes a deep breath and calmly tells Chris that she’s still giving him the boot. He clearly has a lot of rage inside and Emily dodged an angry, angry bullet.

Further Proof: In the limo, Chris angrily spits, “I’m ten times the man of all those (expletive) guys who are still there.”

Things to Look Forward to: The Bachelorette operation takes its show on the road to Curacao, where Emily falls in love with more than one person. Tears, weaves and fears, are all on the agenda.

See you next week!

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