Last night we got Dancing with the Stars‘ first ever primetime menage a trois, dance routines that they daintily called trios to keep us from blushing on our couches. But instead of offering us a cigarette after these provocative dances, they gave us a double elimination instead. Tonight we find out who is packing it in and going back to their day jobs. Just kidding, none of these people have day jobs.
Six couples enter, four couples leave. The Results:
Best Repeat Performance: As the only contestant to dance with two lovely ladies last night, the judges asked Green Bay Packer Donald Driver to do it all again. Thus Donald got to live out his (and probably most still-breathing straight men’s) fantasy of dancing with Peta Murgatroyd and Karina Smirnoff. Again. Pretty unfair for a guy who already won the Super Bowl.
Most Xenophobic Moment: While America is a country crafted by immigrants, we are still rather isolationist when it comes to our celebrities. Thus singer Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas—despite having topped the leaderboard more than any other team—found themselves in jeopardy based on one lonely 8 from Carrie Ann Inaba and a severe lack of status.
Worst Time Killer: DanceCenter is the worst Saturday Night Live sketch ever, starring sportscasters rather than comedians. For those unfamiliar with the concept, you are lucky. DanceCenter features Len Goodman and two sports reporters—Jerry Rice in blue eyeshadow and Kenny Mayne dolled up as Rainbow Brite in star-spangled pants—offering a SportsCenter-style commentary on the dancers. No, really.
Brightest Spot in a Terrible Sketch: Just when it seemed the sketch was irredeemable, they cut to a black-and-white montage of Len jogging in a speedo and splashing himself with water. It’s a sad state of affairs when nearly naked Len is a welcome relief.
Worst Moment of the Night: After his performance on the Grammys and his duets with Rihanna, it was clear that Hollywood, the music industry, and even Rihanna herself had forgiven Chris Brown for his violent assault against his then-girlfriend. I, however, have not/will not forgive him and I can’t figure out why family-friendly Dancing with the Stars on Disney-owned ABC would want him on the show. Can we vote him off?
Worst Host Banter: Before the first elimination, host Brooke Burke Charvat cornered the contestants in her aerie and told them to talk about their feelings. Then when they made tight-lipped confessions of nerves, the Brooke Bot in weird fake bangs laughed, “Lighten up, you guys!” Brooke, we’re supposed to be taking this seriously! If we’re not, that would be an entirely different show.
Least Suspenseful Moment: Pitting perfect-scoring Latin heartthrob William Levy against Roshon Fegan was not a recipe for tension. Indeed, Roshon and Chelsie were released from the competition with little fanfare, like an underweight bass in a fly-fishing contest. While Roshon did dance well and earn a few tens last night, he had been in the bottom so often he took out a second mortgage to pay for his braces.
Most Macy’s Moment: Last night’s Macy’s Stars of Dance performance was dedicated to the memory of Dick Clark. It was a moving-ish tribute with original dancers from American Bandstand and a ’50s-inspired dance complete with Karina Smirnoff in saddle shoes. Dick Clark would have loved it.
Everybody Hates Len: Judge Len really didn’t like Maria Menounos and Derek Hough’s not-Samba last night. Luckily America is a-okay with interpretative Bollywood dances from overly attractive white people with excellent ab definition. Or everyone just likes ignoring Len when he’s being grouchy.
Best Juxtaposition: As the bell tolled and judgment was nigh, Katherine Jenkins beamed beatifically in the bottom, wearing a white dress and a sad smile. Next to her was Melissa Gilbert in a leopard print dress, which I am just now starting to think was meant to channel Mrs. Robinson. It was the angel vs. the devil vs. America’s waning interest in mediocre dancers.
Worst Birthday Present Ever: As we inch closer to the finals, the herd must be winnowed. Thus, Melissa Gilbert was eliminated from the competition. Maks Chmerkovskiy announced that it was Melissa’s birthday as tears rolled down her face. In lieu of a birthday cake or a present, Brooke assured her that this was a learning experience. Don’t you feel bad about yourself, America?
See you next week when Maria Menounos, Donald Driver, William Levy and Katherine Jenkins compete in the semifinal round of Dancing with the Stars.