It’s the most magical night of the year! No, not Christmas Eve. It’s better! Tonight is a double elimination from Dancing with the Stars. But, in the inimitable words of Billy Mays (may he rest in infomercial peace), but wait, there’s more! Not only do we have a looming double elimination, but we also get threesomes. Or, rather, in the Disney-owned channel’s approved vernacular: Trios.
Let’s see who is most likely to have to work a Mirrorball Trophy into their interior design scheme:
Least Likely Crossover: For her tango with Green Bay Packer Donald Driver, Peta Murgatroyd wore what looked a like a skirt made out of a black plastic trash bag. An item so pretty yet ugly it could only have been made by one of the contestants from Project Runway during a supermarket challenge.
Worst Outfit: Maria Menounos won a perfect score last week. Can she repeat the feat? Who cares! Better question is why was Derek Hough dressed like an extra from Viva Laughlin? Has he learned nothing from the Chmerkovskiys?
(MORE: Dancing with the Stars Watch: Classical Week Results)
Biggest Hyperbole: In response to Maria’s and Derek’s dance, Carrie Ann Inaba announced, “It’s like angels singing when you dance!” If Thomas Kinkaid was still alive, Carrie Ann Inaba would commission a pastel of the scene from him. Luckily judge Len brought them back down to earth with a blistering critique and a lowly eight from the grouchy judge who apparently doesn’t care if the entire audience hates him.
Best Example of Stockholm Syndrome: During the behind-the-rehearsals footage, we finally found an ugly side of Maks. He berated Melissa Gilbert, blamed her, and then when she started blaming herself, he let her. Then Gilbert apologized for her behavior, his behavior, and for that lousy burger Maks ate at a Fuddruckers when he was 12. Unfortunately the judges loved her dance, which will just encourage Maks to continue his campaign of terror. During judgment Maks apologizes, sort of, saying, “Sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most.” Then he promised never to yell at her again. Can we start a Kickstarter to get him (and her) some therapy?
Truest Fact: “I’m the least known competitor.” — Katherine Jenkins. But the classical singer who is practically unknown on these shores is so gracious, kind, and honest that America just may learn to love her. Her Viennese waltz was fluid, but there were enough errors that Carrie Ann only awarded her an eight, despite the dirty look from Len.
(MORE: Dancing with the Stars Watch: Putting the Classy in Classical)
Savviest Move: What do you do if you’re a 19-year-old Disney star that just can’t quite connect with the mature Dancing with the Stars demographic? Bring in your grandmas! Roshon Fegan brought the two leading ladies in his life to cheer him on and ended up with his best score yet, a 29.
Biggest Bad Boy in Town: Before his dance William Levy declared to the camera, “What I don’t like about the foxtrot or pretty much any ballroom dance is the rules. I like to be free!” That’s right, he’s a rebel, ladies. Adding to his tom cat theme, he and Cheryl Burke danced to “Stray Cat Strut” and scored a perfect 30.
The Luckiest Man Alive: In the first threesome of the night, it became clear that Donald Driver had done something right in life. It’s not a bad man who ends up dancing with Peta and Katrina Smirnoff, both scantily clad, while his wife and children watch and cheer from the sidelines.
Strangest Moment: Bet you never thought you would see someone’s parents cheer them on in a threesome on a Disney-owned channel. And yet, there were Maria Menounos’ mom and dad applauding their daughter’s dance a trois with Derek and Henry Byalikov, one of the troupe dancers.
Best Bergeron-ism of the Night: Maria, Derek and Henry’s Bollywood-inflected dance was a feast for Carrie Ann Inaba’s “Asian senses.” Unfortunately Judge Len was having none of it, because while it was fun, it wasn’t a samba. Despite high scores from Carrie Ann and Bruno Tonioli, he gave them a seven. Or as Tom Bergeron called it, “They got two nines and one mood swing.”
Sultriest Samba: For her trio, Melissa Gilbert ordered up a Chmerkovskiy sandwich, which is probably the basis of a lot of fan fiction out there. Shirtless Maks and Val led her through her best routine yet, earning a solid 27 out of 30.
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Best Moment of the Night: To add a 50 Shades of Grey element to their dance with Katherine Jenkins, Mark Ballas and Tristan MacManus were handcuffed together. Then they lost the key. Brooke Burke-Charvat had no idea what to say to the duo who looked like they escaped from the chain gang.
Best Len-ism of the Night: Following Roshon’s trio (with Sasha from the troupe), Len yelled, “You were like two skinny fries chasing the ketchup!” Which apparently was a good thing, because Len loved it. Next week expect Donald Driver to be dressed as the Hamburglar chasing Peta wearing a cheeseburger costume.
Biggest Surprise of the Night: William Levy let Cheryl Burke introduce another man into his trio…and it was Tony Dovolani. Instead of whining that he wasn’t with another lady, William got in touch with his inner Zorro and won Cheryl’s hand—and a 27 out of 30 that put them at the top of the leaderboard.
Come back tomorrow to find out which two of these dirty dancers is heading home to lambada alone.