Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars, where the path to the Mirrror Ball Trophy is already strewn with glitter, sequins, and the body of cast off star NFL-er Keyshawn Johnson, who is undoubtedly being teased in locker room right this very minute for his first-to-go status. Even though it’s only the third week of competition, the red-pleather bench is lined with injuries, including twisted ankles, sprained ligaments, stomped-on toes, bruised bums and poor Science Guy Bill Nye, who, according to his non-medical board-licensed dance partner, “tore 80 percent of his quadricep.”
Despite being battered and bruised and suffering the indignity of being photographed without their makeup, these stars will all persevere and dance for our entertainment during Hollywood Night.
Here’s what happened on Dancing with the Stars:
Best Sexy Face: Before their rumba to “Skyfall,” Leah Remini promised her partner Tony Dovolani that she would practice her “sexy face,” a feat she cannot manage without cracking herself up repeatedly. Proving that Justin Timberlake failed to bring sexy back, the duo’s dance ended with a log roll more likely to put out fires than fan the flames.
Worst Bruno-ism: “I’m going straight here!” declared judge Bruno Tonioli after watching Leah roll around on the floor. The score for getting Bruno to question his sexuality? 24/30
Best Use of Sepia Filter: Karina Smirnoff and High School Musical star Corbin Bleu did an old-timey fast-paced quickstep soaked in sepia tones. Anyone else have the urge to follow them on Instagram?
Best Photo Finish: As Karina collapsed on a fainting couch for Corbin to snap a daguerreotype, Carrie Ann announced that the footwork “sizzled on her eyes.” After listing all the problems with the routine, Len Goodman announced that it was really impressive. The audience gave the duo a standing ovation. And the judges doled out a 26/30.
Worst Social-Media Incorporation: In the rehearsal room, Elizabeth Berkley and Val Chmerkovskiy swapped this social-media-savvy exchange: “Hashtag Trust, ” said Elizabeth. “Hashtag Come Here,” replied Val. Apparently, they have been rehearsing too much to know that saying “hashtag” is a no-no. In the words of Tom Bergeron who called them on that malarkey: “Hashtag STOP.”
Weirdest Metaphor: After Elizabeth and Val’s airline-themed foxtrot, Len declared, “That was chicken soup for the eyes!” So it burned his eyes out? They earned 25/30.
Worst Bergeronism: After Snooki announced, “I feel like in my past life I was Marilyn Monroe,” Tom Bergeron gave us all nightmares by quipping, “This could be scary, because Sasha told me that in his past life he was John Kennedy.”
What Would Jay Z Say?: In their best impersonation of characters in Baz Luhrman’s The Great Gatsby, Brant Daugherty and Peta Murgatroyd danced a quickstep to a jazz age version of Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love.” The judges ate it, up giving them 27/30.
Miss Congeniality: Valerie Harper may be the most understanding contestant that has ever been on DWTS. Even after Len described her dance with Tristan MacManus as a trip on a budget airline (“a little uncomfortable, a little bumpy, but landed safely”) — and gave her a lowly 16/30 — the TV legend and current cancer fighter, smiled and shrugged and applauded the judges for being honest. (Compare that to DL Hughley who publicly whined for weeks after scoring a well-deserved 12.)
Who Was That Masked Man? Bill Engvall dressed as the Lone Ranger for his paso dobles with Emma Slater, dressed as Tonto — and wearing fringed high heels. (Halloween costume idea, anyone?) Tom Bergeron yelled, “Hi ho, Engvall!” while Carrie Ann noted, “You must have rehearsed the poop out of that routine!” Bill earned a 24.
That’s So Derek: Derek Hough has a tendency to craft routines that the audience loves and the judge hate. Hence, his Charleston with Amber Riley that got the crowd so whipped up that they drowned out Len’s downer comments. Unfortunately, Carrie Ann echoed Len’s criticisms, explaining that the Glee star’s bottom half “wasn’t as banging” as her top half. They earned 24/30.
Best Boogie Nights: Instead of going old Hollywood glamour, Cheryl Burke and Jack Osbourne went full-on ’70s for their cha-cha. Unfortunately, it looked like Jack was in his 70s with his slow-paced, heavy-footed moves that the judges nicely deemed “a lack of hip action.” If they had gone full Dirk Diggler maybe they would have earned more than a 22.
Best Vote of Confidence: To get through her dance, singer Christina Milian decided to play her trump card and brought her adorable daughter, Violet, to rehearsal. For encouragement, Violet gave her mom a thumbs up, a high five and a good job.
Oddest Couple: For their Charleston, Christina wore classy 1920s-style undergarments, while Mark Ballas wore a clown face. Resulting in a pairing that will undoubtedly have a fan-fetish site up and running soon (in my nightmares). Bruno called it “so inventive” and the duo earned a 26.
Biggest Surprise: After last week’s low score, Snooki and partner Sasha Farber staged a quickstep to “Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend.” With her partner-in-crime JWoww watching from the audience, Snooki surprised everyone with her skills, prompting Bruno to sing, a la Alicia Keys, “Nicole is on fire!”
Most Unexpected Score: Carrie Ann gave Snooki a 9. On week three.
No, Really, Get Lucky: Due to the leg injury he incurred doing a Beethoven impression last week, Bill Nye was forced to dance as a robot to “Get Lucky” in a Tron-inspired set. Not as punishment per se, but because he couldn’t move his leg, which is a bit of a handicap in a dancing competition. After the routine, the audience filled the ballroom with chants of “Bill! Bill! Bill!” — causing Bergeron to quip, “That’s already gotten half a million views on Youtube.” Carrie Ann kindly stated that there was great dancing and then there was great spirit, but they didn’t pair up in this particular dance. Len applauded Bill’s determination and bravery. He earned a 16/30.
Who Went Home: With only a few moments left in the show, Tom quickly announced that Brant Daugherty, Bill Nye and Christina Millian were all in jeopardy. Brant was sent to safety and fan favorite Bill was sent packing. Talk about kicking a man when he’s down, DWTS! So long, Science Guy.
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: I will be recapping the show from inside the show.
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