'The Bachelor,' Jan. 21, 2013.
Welcome back to The Bachelor, where Sean Lowe is dating 15 or so women on national television and no one is calling the cops or the county health officials.
This week on his path to love, The Bachelor slogs through yet another tedious group date with approximately 9,432 girls playing beach volleyball for love. Some of the women will bravely make their “I’m not here to make friends” declarations, while others will be content with their way-too-early proclamations of love. And, yes, there will be tears. Whatever it takes for Sean to find love (and for ABC to cheaply fill two hours of primetime television.)
Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelor:
First Date: Sean invites DC political consultant Lindsay to the Guinness Book of World Records. There they see the world’s smallest woman who was only 24 inches tall and still managed to find love without a reality show.
Fun Fact: Turns out that Sean’s dad holds the Guinness Book World Record for world’s longest road trip, which is kind of unimpressive as far as World Records go. It also seems wildly unlikely as there is undoubtedly some Grateful Dead fan who has only just now realized that the band broke up and they’ve been following a Greyhound bus for the last ten years.
Hope You Brought Your Breath Mints: Sean and Lesley are tasked with the chore of trying to break the ten-year old Guinness World Record for world’s longest on-screen kiss in the privacy of the middle of Hollywood Boulevard while a crowd watches.
Most Romantic Moment?: Bachelor host Chris Harrison earns his salary by showing up on set a few days early to egg the crowd on while Sean and Lesley kiss. According to Sean, the kiss was so mesmerizing that there were actual “moments” where Sean forgot that there was a crowd watching and cameras filming. They break the record and collect their commemorative herpes plaque and pose for the cameras.
Sad Reality: Their kiss lasted longer than most Bachelor relationships.
Poll Question: Which is more unsettling to hear on a date: Lesley saying, “People say they hated junior high, they hated high school. I loved every minute.” Or Sean saying: “I’m glad I make you nervous, because you made me nervous right out of the limo. I took control back.” Lesley earned her rose.
Bachelor Milestone: During her post-date interview, Lesley admits that she’s falling in love with Sean.
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Most Pressing Legal Question: Is Sean contractually obligated to be shirtless for half the show? The fact that he did push ups with a girl on his back was just icing on the beefcake.
Worst Group Date Ever: Beach volleyball. The winning’s team prize? Spending “serious quality alone time with Sean” while the losers had to go home.
Poor Losers: Leslie H. and Kristie, the model, burst into tears after losing at beach volleyball. Life’s not a beach, apparently. And work on your poker face Leslie, after all you’re a professional poker player.
Line in the Sand: When Tierra opens the date card, she reads Ashlee’s name she playfully adds, “and Selma!” Everyone gasps as the specter of the gruesome two-on-one date rears it’s ugly head. Then Tierra laughs, “Just kidding!” No one laughs and Sarah glares, “That wasn’t funny.” You don’t joke about the Date Card.
Biggest Rookie Mistake: As Bachelor contestants and toddlers are wont to do, Desiree and Amanda are bickering. Kacie B., who has been a contestant before, decides to report the behavior to Sean. “Why are you saying something to me? They both seem fine,” he responds. When she complains that the drama is making her uncomfortable, he adds, “I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person I see.” Lindsay, the substitute teacher who told Sean that he’s everything she wants in a husband during their five minutes together, gets the rose and Kacie tries not to ugly cry on camera.
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The Big Drama: As AshLee eagerly waits to tell Sean about her adoption during their one-on-one date, Tierra totally ruins her big moment by falling down the stairs. The producers call 911 …and Sean. While she’s concerned about Tierra, AshLee’s more concerned about her one-on-one date with Sean. Tierra refuses all medical assistance, but is totally cool with Sean helping her recover.
Highlight: Sean admits that he’s had several concussions, which may explain his decision to go on The Bachelor.
Best Game Face: AshLee is pretending she’s not pissed that Tierra stole half her date with her “head injury” nor that Sean insisted on driving the Jeep with the top down ruining her hair, or that she wore a too short dress to an amusement park. Can’t wait to see how she does pretending that she’s not annoyed that Sean invited two more girls on their date!
Make A Wish: The girls Sean invited to the amusement park are BFFs who met on a social networking site for sufferers of chronic illnesses. (No, liking The Bachelor is not the illness.) The girls have never met in real life, but don’t appear to be potential stars on Catfish. Sean thinks this group date will be a good test to see if AshLee has a soul or is angry that she has to share her fake boyfriend with girls with real diseases.
Most Unlikely Sentence: As the amusement park outing draws to a close, Sean tells the women that he has one more surprise, “My favorite band, the Eli Young band” is to perform. Sure it is, Sean.
N.B.: It’s fairly distasteful that The Bachelor is using these two young women as props on a date on a reality show. On the bright side, at least they didn’t have to stand in line at Six Flags.
Most Genuine Moment on The Bachelor: While Sean didn’t bring Sarah on a date this week, he wants her to know that he hasn’t forgotten about her. So he put her beloved dog in a limo and brought him for a visit. Sarah was clearly touched. Also, the French bulldog is far more attractive than half the contestants on the show.
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The Cocktail Party: Desiree steals Sean from Tierra, Tierra steals Sean back, Amanda steals him again. These aren’t potential life partners, they’re potential criminals! Regardless of which woman steals him at which moment, Sean swears he is following his heart when it comes to doling out roses.
The Rose Ceremony: Sean saunters into the room where all the women stand on risers waiting for their fate. He announces that he is confident that he will find the woman he wants to marry in that room, but before he hands out any roses, he needs to talk to Kacie, who appears to be wearing a scuba diving dress.
Kindest Let Down: Sean pulls Kacie outside and tells her that he has “too much respect” for her to make her “stand through another rose ceremony.” So he sends her home in a mini-van. Guess Sarah’s dog got the last limo.
Most Likely To Pop Up in A Future Episode: Kacie B. She wanted closure from Bachelor Ben, and while she was crying in the mini van she said she she wants to find love, but knows it’s not Sean, ominously adding “right now.”
Rose Ceremony, Take Two: Tierra and her head injury get a rose, followed by Leslie H., the poker player, Catherine who we haven’t seen much of so far, Daniella, Robyn, Selma, Sarah and her little dog, too, Jackie, who may have just wandered in off the street, and Amanda. The final rose tonight goes to Desiree, because Sean is determined to prank her into submission. That means Kristy the model and Taryn, who feels brokenhearted because she was too guarded and didn’t open up her heart in time and would have loved to be married. Kristy is sad to no longer be a contestant on the path to love, “It would have been a fairytale!”
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Tierra finally has a meltdown! Also, roller derby.
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