Jewels n’ Wives: Five Video Concepts for Lady Gaga Using the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Lady Gaga is teaming up with the Real Housewives for a music video. Here's what might happen

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Bravo / Ben Cohen/Bravo

Real Housewives Yolanda Foster, Brandi Glanville and Lisa Vanderpump

Lady Gaga is no stranger to luxe music videos, but her latest effort might be her most decadent to date: Reports have surfaced that the ARTPOP superstar has secretly filmed a new music video for an upcoming single using the cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. This is (obviously) great news for fans of very highbrow culture.

Given that Gaga’s an admitted fan of Bravo’s reality TV pillar, it wouldn’t come as a surprise — and yet, since she has yet to announce a follow-up track to her sophomore single “Do What U Want” from her 2013 opus ARTPOP, there’s no telling what vivid imagery this video might offer.

So — given the dearth of verifiable information — we used our imagination and cooked up five video treatments for singles from Gaga’s latest album.

“Mary Jane Holland”

Lady Gaga, Kyle Richards and Carlton Gebbia gallivant around the streets of Amsterdam in thigh-high boots and trench coats just past midnight. They enter a smoke shop, where Yolanda Foster serves them a potent batch of lemon-based hash brownies. The night devolves quickly into full-on debauchery, including an unforgettably sapphic sequence inside an S&M dungeon with Brandi Glanville and Lisa Vanderpump. Kim Richards makes a cameo in a marijuana-induced hallucination as a turtle.

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Kim dons a long blonde wig as Donatella Versace in a Reverse Warholian Tribute to the Lifetime Channel original film House of Versace. We’re backstage at fashion week in Milan, where Kim is mumbling incoherently at her assistant, Carlton. Lisa and the cast of Vanderpump Rules are seated front row as Brandi, Yolanda and Joyce begin to strut down the runway. Stassi Schroeder trips Joyce Giraud for staring at her ex-boyfriend, Jax Taylor. Lady Gaga hovers over Joyce’s limp body in her flying Volantis dress. At the end of the runway, Brandi is reunited with her missing dog.

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The Housewives are seated at a reunion special at SUR with Andy Cohen. Out of nowhere, they simultaneously break out their annual appearance contracts and begin waving them in his face. Andy is cornered and helpless as each woman takes turns giving him their worst: Brandi begins reading her memoir aloud; Carlton casts spells; Joyce smiles and flips her hair aggressively; and Yolanda brings out her husband David Foster for a 3-hour private piano performance. In the end, Kyle dumps a bucket of pig’s blood on Andy’s head, and Lady Gaga alongside Vanderpump Rules starlet Scheana Marie are lowered from the ceiling together to perform a duet version of Scheana’s pop classic, “Good As Gold.”

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“Jewels ‘N Drugs”

We are deep inside a castle, like a medieval fairytale. Lisa, wearing a Villa Blanca-branded tiara, appears seated at the throne and declares to the camera: “Life isn’t all diamonds and rosé — but it should be.” Kim and Carlton enter into the court in matching court jester outfits and take turns juggling diamonds, crystal balls and Koons balls, as Joyce and Yolanda twerk in matching medieval armor in the background. Kyle screams for help within the dungeon, but no one notices. Lady Gaga knocks Lisa from the throne and wears her crown.

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Ladiesssss! The Housewives are having a girls’ night out at the spa, getting mani-pedis and gossiping together. Kim and Kyle share a vitamin IV drip. Lisa is getting a clay facial. Brandi enters into the steam room in a towel and runs out screaming. as a nude Carlton chases after her. Lady Gaga, playing the nail technician, rolls around from table to table to file each girl’s nails. At the end, Kyle flashes her fresh manicure at the camera. The fingernails on her left hand reads “A-R-TP-O-P,” and her right hand spells “D-R-A-M-A.”

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