Welcome to TIME’s Dancing with the Stars recap, where we’ve barely dried our eyes from Monday night’s weepathon. It’s week three and the night’s lowest-scoring couples were Queer Eye guy Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya, soccer star Hope Solo and Maksim Chmerkovskiy and, surprisingly, reality star Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas.
The verdict: Despite high scores from the judges and dancing skills far superior to, say, Rob Kardashian, Kristen Cavallari and her partner Mark Ballas found themselves gone. The judges were shocked by the decision—Len Goodman called it “madness.” Sure, that or, you know, karma for being bitchy on national television during her years on The Hills.
Least surprising reprieve: J. R. Martinez found himself safe in the first ten minutes of the show. Not only does his story pull on the heartstrings, he’s also a really good dancer. Also instantly spared were Ricki Lake and her Clan of the Cave Bear-meets-crimping iron hair, which hopefully becomes a national trend, and Chaz Bono, despite being obviously in pain and having the evening’s lowest score.
Best twist of the evening: When Chubby Checker, decked out in skintight jeans and checkered shoes, popped onstage to sing his classic song, “The Twist” alongside up-and-coming R&B singer Estelle. Even stodgy Judge Len couldn’t help but shake his tail feathers. Pretty sure Chubby Checker has a portrait in an attic somewhere, because he looked good.
Biggest “Seriously?” moment: Chynna Phillips managed to squeeze more royalty money out of Dancing with the Stars when she was selected as the night’s encore dance, requiring the show to play Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” yet again. Well played, Phillips. Why has no one done this before??
Best Mary J. Blige of the evening: Trick question! All Mary J. Blige is the best. Even when she is singing her latest hits dressed like the love child of the Captain and Tennille and Cap’n Crunch.
Biggest “Hollywood is a small town” moment: During a time-killing round of Six Degrees of Dancing with the Stars, it was revealed that Chynna Phillips and Chaz Bono used to have play dates as kids, because their mothers (Michelle Phillips and Cher) were friends. On a related note, one of you still has to lose.
Most endearing moment of the night: As David Arquette braced himself to leave the show, he counted his small victories. “I’ve gotten to dance with Kym and I’ve gotten a spray tan. I’ve won already.” This man is single, ladies!
Most shameless (but OK) shout out to another ABC show: When it was revealed that Carson Kressley had beaten Nancy Grace on Celebrity Jeopardy.
The moment we’ve all been waiting for: Cher tweeted that she will be in the audience next week!
Tune in next week because OMG CHER!