Dancing with the Stars Results, Week One: Who Got Kicked Off?

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Monday night’s premiere of the 13th season of Dancing with the Stars brought in over 19 million viewers to watch ersatz celebrities attempt to waltz their way off of Hollywood’s C-List. How did everyone fare during last night’s results show?

The result. Ballplayer Ron Artest got ejected. When it was revealed that Rob Kardashian, Nancy Grace, and Artest were in the bottom three, there was no chance for a first week upset. They all deserved to go. However, while it was unlikely that Artest would find the grace on the dance floor that he demonstrates on the court, there was something funny and unpredictable about him. (Witness his yell of “Who’s coming with me?” after he heard the news.) Now we’ll never know what would happen if, say, someone threw a Pepsi at him on the dance floor. The silver lining of his departure is that we don’t have to pretend to call him Metta World Peace anymore. Though wasn’t it fun to hear them say “Metta and Peta” over and over?

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Most surprising moment: When we learned that Clooney castoff Elisabetta Canalis and partner Val will be coming back next week. More surprising is that they weren’t even in the bottom three. Who are all these Canalis fans? What could they possibly be fans of—her dating acumen?

Least surprising moment: Rob Kardashian in jeopardy. Between the clips of Kardashian koaching from the sidelines and big sister Khloe yelling at judge Bruno to “clean his ears,” the littlest Kardashian barely stood a chance. The fact that he has two left feet and no apparent personality doesn’t help the situation much.

Best behind the scenes footage: Meeting the troupe. This group of dancers has a lot of talent, ego and Australians. Also they can say things like “We’re young, we’re sexy and we kill it on the dance floor” with a completely straight face. Actually, now we’re jealous.

Best musical number: LMFAO. Sorry Harry Connick Jr. Your sultry smooth jazz vibes are undeniable, but watching the Chmerkovskiy brothers dance in tandem to LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” was simply hot.

Most baffling styling: Ron Artest’s bleached facial hair. During last night’s results show we saw that Artest had his natural dark hair in the behind-the-scenes training videos. Yet during his Monday night performance he had bleached blond hair, and then during judging he was brunet again. Maybe he would have made it another week if he had used his hair time to practice dancing.

Most cringeworthy moment: Behind-the-scenes footage of Rob Kardashian trying to impress “attractive older lady” Chynna Phillips with his “A Game.” Just say no, Chynna! Coming in a close second was Nancy Grace asking Rob Kardashian where his Game Boy was in a deeply sad attempt at being funny. He’s obviously a Sony PSP guy.

Most tense moment of the evening: When producers pitted Chynna Phillips, Chaz Bono, and J.R. Martinez against each other during one round of eliminations. While attentive viewers may have quickly realized the producers’ ploy, some of us who were checking our Twitter feed may have had a moment of panic. There was a moment when we wondered whether voters could have ousted one of the top three dancers so early in the competition.

See you all here next week.

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