Our journey of watching Juan Pablo’s journey to love has almost come to a close and before next week’s Most Dramatic Finale Ever, this week we take a knee to let the women preach.
Here’s what happened when the Women Told
Biggest TMI: Before all the women get to talk smack about Juan Pablo, Chris Harrison decides that the world hasn’t had enough of The Bachelor‘s lone success story: Sean and Catherine. Chris brings the newlyweds out and immediately asks them how their wedding night went. Sean doesn’t even blink when Catherine tells the world that on the wedding night there were “fireworks, very quick fireworks.” If that wasn’t emasculating enough, Sean then voluntarily talked about a stingray latching on to his “man parts” during the honeymoon, and it wasn’t a euphemism. Channeling his best (read: worst) Humphrey Bogart, Chris Harrison mutters, “Of all the times… in all the parts.”
Weirdest Moment In Bachelor Cross-Promotional History: For some reason the Powers That Be at ABC thought a fully integrated crossover with the new The Muppets movie was a good idea. So Chris Harrison introduces the next special couple to be married and it’s Miss Piggie and Kermit and he interviews them about their relationship and forthcoming marriage.
First Night Impressions: The women agree that it was lust at first sight with Juan Pablo, who is a dream boat with abs you could bounce a quesadilla off of. Everyone likes his accent and his looks. The only outlier: Kelly announces that her dog hated him from Day One. Hopefully Molly got a biscuit.
Second Impressions: “The conversation never expanded past a surface level,” said Danielle, speaking for the group. The women all agree that conversations with Juan Pablo were stuck in the shallow end with floaties on. He never asked anything about them and when he did ask, he didn’t bother listening to the response. To wit, one woman claims that on one date, Juan Pablo asked her where she saw herself in five years and then on the next date he asked her, “Where do you see yourself in three years?” The women didn’t like how Juan Pablo’s rules changed all the time. He wouldn’t kiss one woman out of respect for his daughter, and would then kiss the next woman who came along. Andi diplomatically stated that Juan Pablo was just looking for a girlfriend, while the women were looking for a husband.
The Big Regret: Andi and Kat had no idea that their roommate, Clare, snuck out of their room for an ocean dip n’ tryst with Juan Pablo. They think it was bold of Clare to make the move, and most of them wish that they had thought of it themselves. No one is impressed with how he handled the aftermath of the rendezvous, though. Andi points out that they were both willing participants. Sharleen chalks up Juan Pablo’s reaction to “buyer’s remorse,” so apparently she’s Team Nikki.
Sharleen’s Debrief: Chris Harrison tells Sharleen that she is the most intriguing person they’ve ever had on the show and the emotional roller coaster ride she went on was intense. She endearingly covers her eyes while they play footage of her making out with Juan Pablo. When talking about her relationship with Juan Pablo, Chris Harrison notes that she said, “Sometimes I wish I was dumber.” She giggles. Sharleen admits that she had no idea that she was a frontrunner until she watched the show. She doesn’t regret leaving, though. And why would she?
Renee’s Debrief: As we retrace her journey to find love, dorm mom Renee reminds us that she’s a single mother, and reiterates that she wants her son to see what love is. She won’t say that she was in love with Juan Pablo, but she does admit that she had “those feelings.” She admits that she was way behind on the whole “kissing thing” and while Juan Pablo claims that he respected her child too much to shove his tongue down her throat on national television, it was really because he didn’t want to make out with a mom unless she looked like former NBA dancer Cassandra.
Andi’s Debrief: Andi — who now has the same hair as Jared Leto — relates how her journey to love ended after one night in the Fantasy Suite with Juan Pablo. She didn’t like how negative he was, how he only talked about himself, how he has no filter and made her feel “cheap”. “He’s not insincere,” she said. “He’s just not interesting or very smart.” Then she claims that she did a whole fake sleep thing to get the date over and done with. In summation, Andi says: “I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor.”
Juan Pablo’s Debrief: Juan Pablo is on the defensive when he hits the stage and announces that he was always honest and “honesty is going to hurt” and, he shoots a side-eye at Andi, and says, “ees okay.” That’s when Andi launches through the air and strangles him. Juan Pablo explains that he didn’t come to the show to kiss 27 women, but maybe 15 or so. He claims that he tried to be fair, but respectful. For example, he wanted to take things slowly with Renee to respect her son. Cassandra calls BS on that and tells Juan Pablo that if he really respected Renee and her son, he should never have gone to her home town and met her son and then dumped her. He shrugs: He has no regrets.
When you become a father, you’ll understand. Yeah, that’s never gonna happen.
Most Awkwardly Dramatic Moment: Kelly, who apparently has two fathers, takes the opportunity to call Juan Pablo out on his homophobic remarks. As tears roll down her face, she demands an explanation and he refuses to give her one, saying that he wants to talk to her for an hour instead of deliver a four-minute sound bite. As the women holler at him, Sharleen, once again, defends him. She says that on their date they talked about equality and he seemed cool with it and that’s good enough for her.
Best Blooper: Juan Pablo tells the camera (twice) that he has a “little package”. Finally a producer takes pity on him and kindly tells him that saying he has a “little package” could mean that he has a small, you know, package.
Best Trolling: The producers put together a heartfelt “Eees Okay” montage.
So Who Wins Juan Pablo’s Heart? The women are evenly split on whether Clare or Nikki will walk away with a Neil Lane diamond ring. The women report that the two finalists are very very different people and it could be anyone’s game.
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Our journey watching Juan Pablo’s journey to find loves comes to its natural conclusion. Whatever happens, Chris Harrison assures us that he’s never seen an ending like this one, so we can safely assume this entire season was all Bob Newhart’s nightmare.