Welcome back to The Bachelor, where single father Juan Pablo Galavis is looking for love with a Disney princess, but not a Disney stepmother. After winnowing the herd of potential mates down to a reasonable 13, it’s time for The Bachelor to take its love train on the road to shock other cultures with the brutal, ugly reality of American reality television hegemony and its participants’ skinny jeans, flowing blonde tresses and sexy tops.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:
First Stop on the Love Express? Seoul, South Korea.
Most Sigh-Inducing Comment: “Korea? I don’t even have a kimono!” says one woman, while the rest coo that they are sure that a new country, a new language and a new culture will bring them closer to Juan Pablo.
Group Date: Chelsie, Cassandra, Danielle, Nikki and Kat find out that the best way to win Juan Pablo’s heart according to Juan Pablo (who refers to himself in the third person) is to learn to dance. Juan Pablo likes that, says Juan Pablo. Since they are in Korea, they must learn to dance to K-pop with the help of girl group 2NE1. While you would think that Cassandra (an NBA dancer) would have an advantage, it turns out that Kat is a medical sales rep by day and a pro dancer by night.
Best Reminder It’s All Relative: “This is my worst nightmare,” says Nikki of having to dance in front of a crowd. Funny — most people would say their worst nightmare is being on The Bachelor.
Worst K-Pop Concert Ever: Thousands of 2NE1 fans waited hours in a mall to see their favorite band and then were forced to watch weirdly dressed Bachelor contestants dance badly behind the band.
The Bachelor Milestone: Let the backstabbing begin! Kat may not be there for the right reasons. Negative Nikki may not be a good role model for Bachelor baby Camila, Clare is pushy and Sharleen just “isn’t right” for Juan Pablo.
Biggest Misunderstanding of the Rules: Kat didn’t get the rose even though she proclaims that she is “very nice.” Is she new here?
One-On-One Date: After a gratuitous and lingering shower shot of Juan Pablo, he picks up opera singer Sharleen for their date. They wander around a market making culturally sensitive comments like, “There’s a lot of weird food here!” and making gross-out faces after trying things. While the women judge Sharleen for not being 100% certain that Juan Pablo is The One, in fact, this just means that Sharleen is level headed, realistic and kinda normal. Not quite sure why she is on The Bachelor.
Most Honest Conversation Ever on The Bachelor: Juan Pablo straight up asks Sharleen how many kids she wants and she tells him that she honestly doesn’t want any and that she had a bad experience dating a man who had a 4-year old daughter. So he gives her the rose. Because this is The Bachelor.
Group Date Two: Renee, Andi, Clare, Lauren and Kelly head out for an action packed day in Seoul filled with karaoke, a fish pedicure, seafood and subtle subterfuge.
The Biggest Lie: “Eating octopus is the epitome of my fears!” says Clare, when it’s clearly sharing a man with 13 other women. She spends the entire date elbowing the other women out of the way and making sure she is the center of Juan Pablo’s attention.
No. 1 Sign That Juan Pablo Is A Troll: Clare tells Juan Pablo that she doesn’t like octopus and he interviews, “You don’t like octopus? That’s the first thing I’m going to give you. You’ve made a big mistake.” And you wonder why he’s single.
Cattiest Line From A Dog Lover: Noted dog lover Kelly is not a fan of Clare and her drama, so when Clare chokes down a piece of octopus, Kelly snorts, “Please, I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.”
Weirdest Excuse: When Lauren tells Juan Pablo that she wants a kiss, he tells her, “I have a daughter and I don’t want her to see Daddy kissing.” Those other girls he kissed? That was just a dental exam. Oral health is priority one. Lauren calls him on it, starts crying and they hug it out. She reassures herself that at least she is “here for the right reasons.”
Insult To Injury: Lauren will be very upset when she finds out that not only did Juan Pablo snub her, but he turned around and made out with Clare moments after she revealed that she threw up in her mouth and swallowed it. Then he gave Andi the rose.
The Cocktail Party: Sharleen, Nikki and Andi have roses and are thus safe, leaving ten girls vying for Juan Pablo’s attention and affection. Then Nikki decides she wants to actually talk to Juan Pablo and the women view this act as the ultimate offense.
Rose Ceremony: Single mother Renee gets the first rose, followed by Chelsie who knocks the other women out of the way to accept the rose. She is followed by Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Allison, Clare and the final rose of the evening goes to Kat. That means elementary school teacher Elise and (unsurprisingly) composer Lauren are out.
In Conclusion: After being forced to walk over cobblestones in heels, Elise pouts that her mom didn’t want her hanging around such ugly people anyway, while Lauren peddles her piano bike off into the sunset to write a break-up album to rival Taylor Swift.