Hola, Bachelor fans, welcome back to Juan Pablo’s journey to find love. In case you missed last week’s premiere, Juan Pablo is an American-born, Venezuelan-bred single father and former professional soccer player who was cut loose by Bachelorette Desiree because he preferred playing shirtless volleyball to writing poetry about Desiree’s flowing tresses or whatever it was she found so appealing about her Chosen One, Chris.
That’s all in the past, though, because now Juan Pablo is the star of the show and 13 women are battling it out for a chance to find love with the “sports and entertainment consultant.” The women are determined to jump through hoops, test the limits of their waterproof mascara and collect roses in the hopes of getting the chance to spend the rest of their lives competing for Juan Pablo’s love with his undoubtedly precocious forever valentine, Camila.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelor:
First Date: Clare, the hairstylist who pretended to be pregnant when she got out of the limo, gets the first date card. Juan Pablo blindfolds her in front of all the other ladies, throws her in a car and forces her to just sit there and smell him. (She thought he smelled good, for what it’s worth.) He then takes her to a winter wonderland for some light luging and hot tubbing. In the hot tub, Clare strips to a bikini, gives Juan Pablo a back rub and talks about her dead father. While theoretically that sounds like a terrible idea for a first date, Juan Pablo must have enjoyed himself, because he hands her the rose and said he can see himself “in Clare.” We’re a long way from the fantasy suites, Juan Pablo.
Bachelor Milestone #1: The H-word! Clare noted that this could be the first date with her future husband.
Bachelor Milestone #2: First live musical performance! X Factor alum Josh Krajcik appears in the snowy fields to play a romantic tune for the couple to sway to while wearing swimsuits in a (fake) snowstorm.
Fairytale Count: Just one. “This is a perfect fairy-tale,” said Clare.
Bachelor Milestone #3: Topless girl in the hot tub! It was Lucy, the free spirit, of course. By the way, don’t get too attached to Lucy, because it apparently doesn’t work out between the free spirited model and the Bachelor. She is dating Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel a.k.a. the guy who just turned down a $3 billion offer from Facebook.
Second Date: Kat gets swept away on a private jet to a secret destination complete with special glow-in-the-dark outfits. While it looks like they are going to a rave, in fact it is far healthier (also, worse). Their jet drops them and their neon accessories off at a 5k Electric Run in Salt Lake City, Utah. Yep, her date is that she gets to go jogging in full make-up and new sneakers. In short: Worst. Date. Ever. Kat manages not to throw up or have a temper tantrum, but instead stalwartly declares that “there is electricity in the future for them.” She gets a rose.
The Group Date: Chelsie, Lauren, Mary Ann, Gilligan, The Professor, Renee, Chantel, Ginger, Elise, Victoria and Lucy are all invited on a group date with Juan Pablo. That leaves three women without a date (but a lot of wine) while the rest of the women are shipped off in a limo to an unmarked garage where a photographer tells them to strip. Some date, huh? In reality, they are there for a photo shoot with a bunch of rescue dogs looking for their forever homes. (Awwww!) For the record, ladies, it’s generally a bad idea to go to an unmarked garage and listen to a photographer who tells you to take off your clothes.
Best Producer Trolling: Elise, a school teacher, and Andi, the prosecutor, were assigned costumes that were nothing more than carefully-placed cardboard signs. Is a shot at love with The Bachelor worth having criminals and/or first grade parents Google image search you for the rest of your life? Probably not. Elise smartly talked always-nude Lucy into swapping costumes, while Juan Pablo peer presssured Andi into stripping down for the cause (the dogs, but really him).
Full Frontal Bachelor: It only takes two episodes for Juan Pablo to strip down to his birthday suit along with Lucy and Andi. They pose with a pup and some carefully-arranged black bars and a smile. Anything for homeless dogs!
MILF Alerts: Cassandra tells Juan Pablo that she has a son. Then they make out. Then Renee, who also has a son, heads up to the rooftop for some snuggle time with JP.
The Best Cautionary Tale: Learn from Victoria’s mistake and don’t get smashed at Bachelor cocktail parties. The legal assistant from Florida seems incredibly wasted, so a few of her friends stage a mini-intervention. Victoria slurs in response, “I’m nottt hammered! This is how I am sober!” She then runs to hide in the bathroom, weeping and wailing while the camera shoots under the stall door before Renee goes in Mission Impossible style under the stall door to mother the girl. It doesn’t work and Victoria hits…
Bachelor Milestone #4: “I wanna go hooooooome!!!” Victoria wails as a determined producer (specifically, Elan from the Elan/Diane plane hoax) does his best to make sure she doesn’t run out into the street drunk, shoeless and alone, and sticks around because, you know, ratings. Eventually the producers realize they have no choice but to send in Juan Pablo. She goes full Drama Queen and Juan Pablo retreats to a safe distance, asking the girls to clean up the mess and make sure Victoria gets home safely, a move Chantal considered so “gentlemanly.” Gentlemanly? Sure, but don’t forget so-called gentleman Juan Pablo did nothing for the women who were pressured into getting naked on television. Just saying!
Group Date Rose: It went to Kelly, who loves dogs.
Worst Cure For A Hangover: As Victoria tries to get over her drunk history, Juan Pablo shows up at her room and she is obligated to apologize for her behavior. Juan Pablo, who reminds us that he’s 32 and has a daughter, sends Victoria home because no one has time for that. Guys always think they want to date a 24-yr-old, until they actually date a 24-yr-old and realize the errors of their ways.
The Cocktail Party: The party kicks off with some one-on-one time with Amy Long, a local news reporter who is very skilled at holding a fake microphone during a fake interview. Then Sharleen, the opera singer who got the first-impression rose, tries to make a better second impression. It goes okay until Juan Pablo notices that Cassandra is in tears because she isn’t sure if being on The Bachelor is worth being away from her son. With some encouragement from JP and fellow mom Renee, she decides it is, for now.
The Rose Ceremony: Cassandra gets the first rose. Followed by Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen (who says “sure” again), Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Allison, Chelsie and Lauren. Do we know who any of those women are? Not yet.
The Final Rose: Christie (Kristy? Kristie? Christy?) gets the final rose of the evening meaning that Chantel, one of the few women of color on the show, and Amy L., the news reporter with mad fake-microphone skills, are going home.
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Juan Pablo already got completely naked. What can he possibly do next?