While a slew of Golden Globes were just bestowed upon the darlings of the Hollywood Foreign Press for their film and television work throughout the year, we at TIME wanted to acknowledge the best performances of the broadcast itself. Like best humblebrag or man-samurai bun — a shockingly stiff competition. So behold: the real winners and losers of the Golden Globes.
Best Self-Serving Interview Question: Matt Lauer for asking Michael J. Fox if he liked having him and Savannah Guthrie cameo in the premiere of his new show.
Best Speech: “Yeah bitch, thank you.” — Aaron Paul for Breaking Bad
Best Humblebrag: While accepting her award for best actress, Amy Adams said that when she first moved to LA she thought, “I don’t know, maybe I’ll get a commercial or something.” Mmk.
Best Aspirational Job Title: “Cursing consultant on the Wolf of Wall Street, Melissa McCarthy.”
Best Inflated Job Title: “Actor / Producer Sean Combs.” LOL.
Biggest Speech Bomber: Sean “actor/producer” Combs.
Best Dissed In Absentia: “Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that. So young, but so wise.” — Jim Carrey
Most Appropriate Absence: Scarlett Johansson
Best Sincere Speech That Sounded Ironic: Andy Samberg
Best Inappropriate Presenter Introduction That Made It Past the Censors: “And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.” — Tina Fey
Most Likely to Get Fired: The censor who missed Fey’s reference to a supermodel’s vagina. Second most likely: The tech who scrambled the audio on the Jimmy Fallon Tonight Show plug.
Best Kiss: Amy Poehler and Bono:
Most Likely to Lose the Battle with Her Dress: Paula Patton
Best Dress that Resembles a Space Ship: Sandra Bullock
Best Almost Nip Slip: Robin Wright.
Best Samurai Bun: A tie between Jared Leto…
and this guy:
Most Delusional Speech: “This is waaay better than saving a human life.” — Brooklyn Nine-Nine co-creator Dan Goor on winning best TV comedy. (He ditched med school to work in show biz.)
mia farrow (@MiaFarrow) January 13, 2014
Best Bare Feet: “I just want to let you know that this red is my blood,” Emma Thompson said while holding up her Louboutins.
Best Brooch, Male: Usher