Welcome to The Bachelor Watch 2014. The show is celebrating 18 seasons of hot-tub make-out sessions, romantic bungee jumps and testing the outer limits of waterproof mascara with their first ever Latino bachelor. The lucky man the lucky ladies will be wooing? None other than fan favorite Juan Pablo Galavis, who won the heart of America without even getting a one-on-one date with Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock.
Juan Pablo is an American who was raised in Venezuela. So he’s trilingual, English, Spanish and of course, “the language of looooove,” or so he manages to proclaim without cracking a smile. Much of Juan Pablo’s loooove is saved for his daughter, Camila, but the rest he is willing to share with a woman. Luckily, he will have 27 lovely ladies to choose from. While 25 is the norm for these sorts of things, host Chris Harrison explains that there were just too many ladies who wanted to date Juan Pablo, so they had no choice but to allow two extra women into the mix. In the words of Juan Pablo, “It’s about to get real.” Or, you know, as real as most of the contestants’ cleavage.
Here’s what happened last night on The Bachelor:
Sean, the born-again virgin who found love on the last season of The Bachelor and will soon be married off on a nationally-broadcast primetime wedding, encourages Juan Pablo to make all the women feel at home by kiss each and everyone all.
Best Attitude: Before meeting the women, Juan Pablo promises he is taking this “as seriously as he can take this.” The feeling is mutual.
The Arrival: Juan Pablo looks nervous as the limos pull up, but maybe because he saw the footage of the girl armed with a compound bow, staring down the camera and saying she’s aiming at his heart. A steady stream of women in prom dresses cheer him right up. There’s Kat, in a red dress, who makes him teach her how to salsa. There’s Chantel (not to be confused with the Chantal/Shawntel of seasons past) and blonde Chelsey who wants to make chemistry with Juan Pablo. Alli, a nanny, who emerged from the limo in Adidas kicks and looking for a teammate and Valerie, who left her compound bow at home.
Most Useful Skill Set: While Danielle, a psychiatric nurse in an ombre dress, is ostensibly a contestant on the show, she hopefully brought a stack of business cards to hand out to some of the other women. We also hope Lauren stopped crying long enough to take one.
Best Prop/Exercise Equipment: Lauren, a composer, rode a piano bicycle (Google that) up to the mansion while wearing a prom dress and high heels, which should earn her a rose for effort. Adding to their meet-cute, Juan Pablo had to sneak inside the mansion to ask Lauren her name, because she forgot to tell him.
Best Stunt Pregnancy: Clare, a hairstylist, emerges from the limo holding her pregnant belly. She smiles at Juan Pablo, lets him rub her stomach and coos that she knows he wants more children. Instead of thinking it’s creepy, Juan Pablo is kind of into it. Unfortunately, the pregnancy is fake and she’s just trolling the world and is thus a new favorite contestant.
Cutest Contestant: Molly the cocker spaniel, who brought along her human, Kelli. Hope they are both crate trained.
Frontrunners: Based on nothing but the experience of watching 18 seasons of this show: Andi, the assistant district attorney from Florida; Chelsea, a science teacher; Victoria, a Brazilian legal assistant; and Nikki, the pediatric nurse.
Best Career: Giving this one to Lacy, who was given the title “free spirit.” She showed up shoeless and with flowers in her hair.
Boldest Fashion Move: Kylie, a redhead, wore a pink dress. Molly Ringwald would be proud.
The Introduction: Juan Pablo bravely heads inside to meet the 27 women vying for his affection, attention and ardor. He starts things off by thanking the ladies for taking the time away from their busy lives. While he didn’t look directly at the “free spirit” and the “dog lover,” it was implied he was talking to them.
The Cocktail Party: Some genius has finally stuck a photo booth in the mansion. So everyone can drink and snap selfies the way God and Instagram planned it. Juan Pablo takes several of the ladies into the booth to take some photos that will inevitably end up being used in scrapbooking.
Biggest Set Up: The producers helpfully provided a massage table so Amy could rub Juan Pablo down. She seemed to enjoy it more than he did.
The First-Impression Rose: Sharleen, the opera singer, who was just off the plane from Germany and was seemingly jetlagged, surprised everyone (including herself) by earning the valued first-impression rose. While Juan Pablo was doing the rose fetch of shame in front of all the other women, Sharleen was telling the camera, “If I’m totally honest, it seemed a little forced.”
Best Reaction: When Juan Pablo handed Sharleen the rose and asked her if she would accept it, she stared at him and said: “Seriously?” Then she paused and added, “Sure,” with a shrug. Best contestant ever?
Bachelor Milestone: First Tears. Halfway through the cocktail party, Lauren, the broken-hearted mineral coordinator, realizes that she has a few issues to work through from her last breakup. She has that epiphany during her nationally televised breakdown when confronted with fighting for a man with 25 other women, plus a free spirit and a massage therapist.
The Rose Ceremony: The first rose goes to Claire the fake-pregnancy lady, followed by Nikki the nurse, Renee the single mom, Andi the lawyer, a bunch of brunettes who sort of blend together, Molly and her human Kelly, Chelsey, Kat, shoeless Lucy, some blonde.
Most Awkward Moment: Kylie, the redhead in the pink dress, totally thought Juan Pablo called her name, but he didn’t. He wanted Kat, the brunette in the red dress. It’s always uncomfortable when a guy calls out the wrong name. Kylie then asked Juan Pablo if they could both stay, but, yeah, no.
The Dearly Departed: Amy the massage therapist “put herself out there completely” and thought he was the one, but got sent home anyway. Lauren can’t believe she is going home the first night even though she cried all over the Bachelor. Next time she should talk about her mineral collection. Others who left include: Alexis, Ashley, Christine, Kylie, Lacy, Maggie, Valerie, Oin, Gloin and Doc.
Ashley Count: One, and she got sent home. Can The Bachelor be The Bachelor if none of the contestants are named Ashley?
“You Smell Good”: Four
Use of Word” Fairytale”: 2.
Shots of Juan Pablo Without A Shirt: 7