For those who didn’t make a New Year’s resolution to cut intellectually questionable television out of their viewing diets, then 2014 has a plethora of trashy reality shows to provide fodder for hours of hate watching. Reality TV is like the french fry of the television world—no nutritional value, but slightly addictive and tasty as hell.
These are the new shows (or at least new twists on old shows) that your DVR should take note of. You can always say you’re watching it strictly out of anthropological interest.
1. The Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, E!, premieres Sun., Jan. 19 at 10/9c
“Have you ever partied so hard, you’ve partied your eyebrows off?” (Do you even know what that means?) Well the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills have. The show follows five uber-rich twenty-somethings who are more than happy to share their lavish lifestyle and insights with the world. Like how you aren’t rich if you drink Dom, you’re rich if you wash your hair in Dom. Who knew?
2. 100 Days of Summer, Bravo, premieres Tues., Jan. 7 at 10/9c
Don’t get too excited, this show has nothing to do with Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s 500 Days of Summer. Similar in formula to the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, this show follows six attractive and wealthy young professionals through their summer in Chicago. Unlike the Rich Kids, they have jobs and presumably don’t bathe in champagne.
3. Opposite Worlds, Syfy, premieres Tues., Jan. 21 at 10/9c
Potentially higher caliber television than the shows about feuding millennials, Opposite Worlds splits 14 contestants into two realities. One group lives in a high-tech, luxurious environment while the other has to tough it out with Medieval amenities. They watch each others’ lifestyles through a glass wall, and viewers get to alter their environment based on online participation.
4. Couples Therapy, VH1, premiered Thursday Jan. 2 at 10/9c
Even if you haven’t heard of the series, entering its fourth season, now would be a time to start. With Teen Mom Farrah Abraham, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Taylor Armstrong, and Jon and Kate Plus Eight’s magnanimous Jon Gosselin (unfortunately no sign of Kate, that would be great TV), it is sure to be a quasi-train wreck. What would these former reality TV stars do if it weren’t for new, awful reality TV?
5. The Real World Ex-plosion, MTV, premieres Weds., Jan. 15 at 10/9c
To keep things fresh for its 29th—I repeat, TWENTY NINTH—season, Real World decided that one month after seven strangers moved into a house in San Francisco, they’d be joined by their exes. There’s sure to be a lot of mild tempered talking it out and peaceful resolutions to uncomfortable situations.
6. Space Race, NBC, premiere unknown
The producer behind Survivor and The Voice has partnered with NBC and Virgin Galactic to create a television series in which people compete for a trip to space. The VIP tickets go for a mere $250,000. While details are few and far between, since Virgin Galactic wants to begin commercial space flight in 2014, the series should appear in the near future. And if Richard Branson is involved, a man who has donned wedding dresses for press and tried to get first class passengers to use ice in the shape of his face, there’s a lot to look forward to.
7. The Bachelor, ABC, premiere Sun. and Mon., Jan. 5 and 6 at 8/7c
The Bachelor concept isn’t new. It’s 18 seasons old. But there is so much anticipation for the new leading man that ABC has campaigned to rename January Juanuary in honor of bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis, an attractive former soccer star who speaks in heavily accented English. Key quotes from the super teaser include: “Give me three shots of Patron—and I’ll be topless” and “Juan Pablo, I hope he dies” from a woman in the fetal position on the bathroom floor.