Questions We Asked Ourselves While Watching Macaulay Culkin Eat a Slice of Pizza

Things got a little weird.

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Normally if you hear about Macaulay Culkin this time of year, it’s because people are re-watching his classic Christmas films Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (never let anyone convince you there was a third one—never happened). Unfortunately, Mac appears determined to tarnish your memories because he recorded a four-minute-27-second video of himself eating a slice of pizza — a task he does with the enthusiasm of someone forced to delivery a eulogy at the funeral of a distant relative. Pretty terrifying, right? Here are 46 questions we had while watching the video: ***** Wait, that’s what Macaulay Culkin looks like now? Is he Charlie Hunnam’s stunt double on Sons of Anarchy? Where did they find him? Why does he have so much wrist clutter? Did he put on extra because he knew he’d be shooting this video? Why is this video available in no resolution better than 480p? (Note: This is probably a good thing.) Why is the pizza in a bag like that? That’s not how you bag a pizza. It’s always a side bag. This bag is huge. Oregano? Where is he right now? Is the pizza hot? It looks good. Why isn’t the oregano coming out? Who is Mac talking to when he says, “It’s not coming out?” Why does he give up so quickly? Why didn’t they check to make sure the oregano worked before filming? Is he going to fold the pizza? (Nope.) Why does he look like he really doesn’t want to be wherever he is, or eating the slice? Has he ever eaten a slice of pizza before? Why does he look so sad? Does he know he’s being filmed? Do the pizza oils get trapped in his beard? Why does he keep looking up? Does he know it makes things even creepier when he breaks the fourth wall? Oh wait what in the name of all things holy is he doing now? Are you even allowed to rip the crust off the pizza? And with such disdain? And if you are, shouldn’t you take more than three bites before deciding you’re finished? Wait, why did he switch from non-folding to folding? That’s definitely not allowed. Who taught him to eat pizza like this? He’s done already? There’s at least a third of that slice left. Did he get full? Did he decide he doesn’t like pizza anymore? Was he so disgusted by his own tactics that he couldn’t bear the thought of another bite? Why was he so intent on balling the pizza up with the plate and napkins before putting it all in the original bag, and balling that bag up into as small a ball as he could? Wait, how is there still another minute left in this video? Is there a reveal coming? Maybe this was all just a big joke and Kevin McCallister hasn’t really lost his mind and he’ll yell, “Nice night for a neck injury!” at the camera, right? That could happen. Or not? Is he just going to sit there looking around this empty room occasionally breaking the fourth wall for the next 50 seconds? Oh wow, he is, isn’t he? Who let this happen? Who thought this was a good idea? Why did he say, “Um, my name is Macaulay Culkin and I just finished pizza” if only one of those three things is true? Is Pizza, New York a place? Wouldn’t it just have been easier to say “New York City?” Is it possible to un-see this? What kind of nightmares will I have tonight? How many times will I need to watch Home Alone 2 to get this video out of my memory forever? ***** The video can be somewhat explained by the fact that Culkin is part of his own pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band, appropriately called “Pizza Underground,” but still. Actually now we have even more questions, but let’s just go get a slice of pizza instead. Update: Culkin’s video was apparently based on this 1981 clip of Andy Warhol eating a Whopper from Burger King. Whether that raises more questions or fewer is up to you.

Normally if you hear about Macaulay Culkin this time of year, it’s because people are re-watching his classic Christmas films Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (never let anyone convince you there was a third one—never happened).

Unfortunately, Mac appears determined to tarnish your memories because he recorded a four-minute-27-second video of himself eating a slice of pizza — a task he does with the enthusiasm of someone forced to delivery a eulogy at the funeral of a distant relative.

Pretty terrifying, right? Here are 46 questions we had while watching the video:

*****

Wait, that’s what Macaulay Culkin looks like now?

Is he Charlie Hunnam’s stunt double on Sons of Anarchy?

Where did they find him?

Why does he have so much wrist clutter? Did he put on extra because he knew he’d be shooting this video?

Why is this video available in no resolution better than 480p? (Note: This is probably a good thing.)

Why is the pizza in a bag like that? That’s not how you bag a pizza. It’s always a side bag. This bag is huge.

Oregano?

Where is he right now?

Is the pizza hot? It looks good.

Why isn’t the oregano coming out?

Who is Mac talking to when he says, “It’s not coming out?”

Why does he give up so quickly?

Why didn’t they check to make sure the oregano worked before filming?

Is he going to fold the pizza? (Nope.)

Why does he look like he really doesn’t want to be wherever he is, or eating the slice?

Has he ever eaten a slice of pizza before?

Why does he look so sad?

Does he know he’s being filmed?

Do the pizza oils get trapped in his beard?

Why does he keep looking up?

Does he know it makes things even creepier when he breaks the fourth wall?

Oh wait what in the name of all things holy is he doing now?

Are you even allowed to rip the crust off the pizza? And with such disdain?

And if you are, shouldn’t you take more than three bites before deciding you’re finished?

Wait, why did he switch from non-folding to folding? That’s definitely not allowed.

Who taught him to eat pizza like this?

He’s done already? There’s at least a third of that slice left.

Did he get full? Did he decide he doesn’t like pizza anymore? Was he so disgusted by his own tactics that he couldn’t bear the thought of another bite?

Why was he so intent on balling the pizza up with the plate and napkins before putting it all in the original bag, and balling that bag up into as small a ball as he could?

Wait, how is there still another minute left in this video?

Is there a reveal coming?

Maybe this was all just a big joke and Kevin McCallister hasn’t really lost his mind and he’ll yell, “Nice night for a neck injury!” at the camera, right? That could happen.

Or not?

Is he just going to sit there looking around this empty room occasionally breaking the fourth wall for the next 50 seconds?

Oh wow, he is, isn’t he?

Who let this happen?

Who thought this was a good idea?

Why did he say, “Um, my name is Macaulay Culkin and I just finished pizza” if only one of those three things is true?

Is Pizza, New York a place? Wouldn’t it just have been easier to say “New York City?”

Is it possible to un-see this?

What kind of nightmares will I have tonight?

How many times will I need to watch Home Alone 2 to get this video out of my memory forever?

*****

The video can be somewhat explained by the fact that Culkin is part of his own pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band, appropriately called “Pizza Underground,” but still. Actually now we have even more questions, but let’s just go get a slice of pizza instead.

Update: Culkin’s video was apparently based on this 1981 clip of Andy Warhol eating a Whopper from Burger King. Whether that raises more questions or fewer is up to you.