Simon Cowell’s Guide to Fatherhood

You have to be barking mad to want to be a father:

“I don’t want babies the same way I wouldn’t want a puppy. It’s too much responsibility.”

 But you’ll know when the time is right:

“The problem has always been how much time you need to devote to bringing up kids.”

And boy or girl, you’ll be happy as long as they’re healthy:

“I have to say I would prefer a girl.”

It will be tricky at first:

“I’m not sure I would be good for the first six months or so but once they knew who I am…”

Especially since today’s world is filled with so many temptations for children:

“I had a quiet, nice childhood. We had no McDonald’s, no color television, and luckily, no Paula Abdul.”

So be sure to set boundaries for them—and yourself:

“You’ve got to be up at a certain time. Got to listen. When all you want to do is sit in a corner thinking.”

Or they will try to rebel:

“I couldn’t have children. If I had them here drawing on the walls I’d go nuts.”

 Try to celebrate a child’s good qualities:

“If you imagine Madonna, Bobby Brown, and Dracula had a child it would be you. But in a weird way I quite like you.”

Keeping in mind that they’re young:

“You sing like a three-year-old girl dressed like LaToya Jackson.”

Though they will get better with age:

“I like the fact that they’re cocky now from the age of four.”

Much better:

“I’d sort of want people born at the age of 10, I think.

Above all, never be afraid to give a child tough love:

“You look a little odd, your dancing is terrible, the singing was horrendous, and you look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with the massive eyes. What are they called? Bush babies.”