Welcome back to The Bachelorette, where Desiree is trying to find a husband in a sea of hoodies, hair gel and aspiring actors (looking for love, but hoping for an agent). Tonight is all about sausage and beer as Desiree and her crew head auf to Munich, Germany. Added bonus? The annual two-on-one date.
Here’s what happened on The Bachelorette:
Gentlest Reminder: The manliest men wear hoodies in the Munich weather, but Chris Harrison wears a jacket and scarf while informing the men that Desiree has never been to Europe before — basically reminding everyone that Desiree was reared in a tent.
First Date: Chris (the contestant not the host), gets the first international date. Chris – who looks like the understated and unlikely romantic lead in an ’80s comedy – is “really jacked” and gelled for his date with Des (and a German phrase book).
Trouble Has A First Name: Bryden wants to go home, because he’s not feeling it either with Des or with the format. That’s all well and good, but for some reason he can’t wait until she is done with her date to tell her. He grabs a jacket and hits the streets of Munich to find her …using a divining rod? Spidey senses? Following the smell of Axe wafting through the streets?
Asking For It: As Chris tells the camera, “It’s the best date! I can’t see anything going wrong!” Cut to Bryden wandering the streets looking to break the news to Des.
Fare Thee Well: Bryden uses his military-honed tracking skills to crash Des and Chris’ date. He busts up their dance routine, pulls Des to a more private public location and tells her he’s leaving. She doesn’t really care. Nor do I.
Smooth Move: While that is the worst name for a tea, it is the best way for Chris to take back his date from the shadow of Bryden’s untimely departure. What’s the move? Telling Des that he is here for the right reasons. And in it for the long haul. She’s a sucker for that. Then they spend the rest of the evening opining, “Why would he come all the way to Germany just to leave?” Because of the free trip to Germany, chuckleheads.
Two-On-One Date: The evil producers are pitting federal prosecutor Michael against potentially two-faced single father Ben. Michael is ready to convict Ben of being a fraud. He is also ready to murder Ben, gladiator style. If Michael actually murders Ben: We’re all witnesses. Also? Most. Dramatic. Date. Ever.
Date, Part Two: Chris (the contestant) and Des head to dinner in a glamorous house, but for some reason, he has no choice but to chuck Des’ coat on the back of her chair. Are the show’s producers, by blowing their budget on private concerts, no longer able to afford closets or PAs to hold coats? Also, Des really needs a nose powder. Why is no one taking care of this?
Best Way To Earn A Rose: Chris wrote her a poem. Another poem.
Save Your Money: As Chris and Des dine, another private concert starts up. That leaves exactly one episode not featuring a private concert. Maybe the show is getting payola from the record labels. Either that, or Des really likes private concerts. Not sure which is more troubling. Speaking of product placement, 9 out of 10 bachelors on the group date are wearing Canada Goose ® coats, which may be the best reason yet to to be a contestant on the show.
Group Date: Yodeling! Des makes everyone yodel before forcing them to risk life and limb by sledding down a steep ski slope. The highlight was Drew slamming into Des. And not stopping. There’s a snow fight, snow-angel making, snow flirting and a trip to an ice hotel where everyone rolls around in furs like they are extras in Games of Thrones, minus the stabbing.
Worst Use of One-on-One Time: The moment Mikey T., the plumbing contractor who looks like a Sopranos extra (* pour a little out for James Gandolfini *), gets a second alone with Des, he suggests that they make a family of small snowmen to represent them and their three kids.
Best Way To Interrupt A Date: Zak W., the drilling-fluid engineer, walks out of the ice hotel with two glasses of wine and cut into Mikey’s alone time with wine and a yodel. While wine, a yodel and a Yodel might have been slightly preferable, it was still classy. Still didn’t earn him the date rose, though. That honor went to Brooks, even though Des made out with James (despite him wearing an accent scarf). At least he didn’t feed himself strawberries this week.
The Drama: In a bid to get some (any) camera time, Drew and some other guy tell a focus group of contestants that they woke up in a van with James and Mikey (I’ve had nightmares that started like that) discussing their plans to take over the world stemming from their newfound fame as contestants on The Bachelorette. James also hopes to position himself to be next in line to be The Bachelor, which means that James clearly isn’t here for the right reasons, because you go on The Bachelorette to earn a spot on Dancing with the Stars, not The Bachelor.
The Trial: Before his two-on-one date, Michael assures us that he has courtroom tactics and Ben will be convicted. Sounds like a super fun date! Des sees the silver lining as the fact that she gets to see her potential future husband in awkward situations with other guys who want to date her, because that comes up a lot in the cereal aisle at the grocery store.
Get The Man A Mirror: Michael claims that one of the many reasons he hates Ben is that: “He changes his platform daily.” Says the lawyer.
Red Flag: Michael announces “I like confrontation,” which makes him clearly Not Husband Material. Then, Michael starts grilling Ben about his son and his relationship with his son and his religious beliefs and generally makes everything super uncomfortable for Ben and for Des. Michael may be right, but being a jerk never plays well.
Best Invention Ever: Des takes the men out on a freezing lake in a Hot Tug, which is a hot tub boat that toodles around the lake, a.k.a the best idea ever.
The Most Awkward Date: For dinner, Michael grills. Not a steak, but Ben. As Ben hems and haws, Michael loses the jury (a.k.a. Des), by over-prosecuting his case. When Ben says he goes to church, Michael pointed out that he didn’t go to church on Easter Sunday, then adds that Ben didn’t even talk to his son on Easter. At that, Ben excuses himself from the table and goes to pout and be dramatic outside for awhile. Des gives Michael the stink-eye and tells the camera she might send them both home, which she should. Instead, she gives Michael the rose and sends Ben home. Michael smirks. Ben curses. The men cheer.
The Long Goodbye: As Ben drives off into the sunset, he tells The Bachelorette producers that they missed out on having “the single dad from Texas” as the next Bachelor. And then waves, “Hi, Hollywood!”
Kiss and Tell: Chris Harrison wants the dirt with no foreplay, so he asks Desiree who she would make out with right now. She says Brooks, but then adds Zak, who is apparently a good kisser, undoubtedly due to all his experience drilling for fluids. (Insert rimshot here).
Cocktail Party: No cocktail party! Des already knows who she hates most of all.
Rose Ceremony: Chris, Brooks and Michael are safe, so the first rose goes to Zak, followed by Kasey, Juan Pablo, and Drew. Which means that for the final rose, it comes down to James versus Mikey.
The Last Rose: Much to Drew’s horror, James gets the rose. That means Mikey is going home. Guess she didn’t want to make tiny snow-Mikeys littering her lawn, after all.
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Drama! Tears!