Dancing with the Stars Watch: It’s Threesome Night!

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Adam Taylor / ABC

Kelli Pickler and Derek Hough on 'Dancing With the Stars' on May 6, 2013

Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars. Last week we bid a final farewell to comedian/actor/recovering addict Andy Dick, who used the ballroom as a venue to make his amends to his family, fans and friends. While it was admirable and occasionally entertaining, as the chaff gets winnowed from the …er, whatever the correct farming metaphor is, with Andy gone, we’re getting closer and closer to having a cast of putative stars who can actually dance. There are six stars left and the competition is winding down and heating up — and oh gawd, is it over yet? No, no, it is not. It’s the quarterfinals, which in the Dancing with the Stars universe means: threesome night! The stars will dance one duo and then shake their tail feathers three at a time for no other reason then to give the judges a chance to make thinly-veiled sexual references. — actually, make that more thinly-veiled sexual references — than they already do.

Here’s what happened on Dancing with the Stars:

Happiest Place: Setting a dance, let alone a salsa, to Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” seems like a strange choice, but Disney star Zendaya Coleman and her partner Val Chmerkovskiy pulled it off. She managed it so well that judge Carrie Ann Inaba announced, “I was getting to my happy place!” which is apparently worth a 28/30

Best Foreshadowing: For some reason Peta Murgatroyd decided to choreograph her dance with Bachelor Sean Lowe around a runaway bride. Here’s hoping that his prize/fiancée Catherine Giudici makes it a reality! The judges weren’t impressed with his moves, though, and he earned a paltry 21/30.

Just The Worst: While talking to Sean and Peta about the chance that they will have to dance a hip hop routine next week, host Brooke Burke Charvat, right out of the blue, saucily said, “Swag.”

Biggest Dream: Super Bowl champ Jacoby Jones is pretty sure that if Len gives him a 10 for his Viennese waltz, his  mom will kiss Len right on the lips so we can all laugh and point at Len’s uncomfortableness. The judges loved Jacoby-and-Karina’s dance to James Brown’s “It’s a Man Man Man’s World” — Len even yelled, “I was looking, you were cooking!” — but Jacoby still failed to earn a 10 from Len. Guess Jacoby’s mom will have to kiss Len on her own time. 27/30

Toughest Love: General Hospital star Ingo Rademacher whined throughout his rehearsal footage, but his partner Kym Johnson wouldn’t put up with that nonsense and tough-loved him right into a score of 24/30. Bruno Tonioli told Ingo he was “channeling Fred Astaire, but was sometimes more like Fred Flintstone.”

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Most Superlative Without Being Superlative Dance: American Idol alum Kellie Pickler danced a Viennese waltz to Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You.” The dance was beautiful, but after Carrie Ann announced last week that Kellie dances beautifully, but doesn’t totally connect with the dance or the audience, the other judges seem skeptical, too. She still earned a 27/30.

Most Awkward: Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman danced a sultry Argentine tango with partner Mark Ballas. Len declared, “This is like a guy dancing with his mistress!” Bruno added, “I had no idea you could be so good at being bad.” That’s when Aly mentioned that her dad was in the audience. 29/30

Best Score: Disney star Zendaya is only 16, so the judges kept their commentary strictly PG-13 when Zendaya kicked off the threesome segment of the competition. Her threesome with Val and Gleb was seemingly effortless, seamless and fun. It was hard to remember that she was a newbie. For her efforts, she earned the first perfect score of the season. 30/30

Best Moment of the Night: A nearly shirtless Val Chmerkovskiy was so excited by his trio’s perfect score that he tried to pick up Brooke. She was having none of it and refused to budge, giving Val the serious Annoyed Mom side eye, while retaining her professional composure. Barely. Val was definitely getting an earful – and maybe even a time out – at the end of the show.

Best Critique: “Magic, with a little bit of tragic,” Bruno shouted at Sean after his dance with Peta and Sean and Sharna Burgess, adding, “I wish I didn’t watch your feet.” He earned a 21/30.

Most Insightful Hosting: When a still-feisty Sean came to talk to Brooke, she reminded him of his career arc: “Let’s be real: You went from being an insurance agent to being a dancing magician.” It’s funny ’cause it’s true!

Best Ring Of Fire: Cheryl Burke joined Jacoby and Karina for their matador themed paso dobles where the stage was set on fire as the dancers put on their best dramatic faces and Jacoby took off his shirt. 25/30  Ingo and Kym were joined by Lindsay Arnold for their threesome jive. 24/30

Most Intimidating Dance: Kellie and Derek were joined by Tristan McManus for their very dramatic paso dobles complete with lightning, fog, and red lights. The judges loved it, to the point that Carrie Ann stepped out from behind the judges’ table to girl talk with Kellie while Bruno rushed out to hug the men and practice some of the moves.

Best Hissy Fit: While Carrie Ann and Bruno were fawning, Len was working himself up into a tizzy. When it was his turn to talk, he launched out of his chair, spluttering about all the missing elements from the paso that they tried to cover with glitz. He didn’t let up, not even when Carrie Ann and Bruno started arguing. Carrie Ann and Bruno gave them 10s, but Len gave them a 7, which caused Derek to burst into laughter. 27/30

Best Bergeronism of the Night: After the big blow up, Tom Bergeron instructed Kellie to “go up there where it’s safe, and everyone is on their meds.”

Most Middle of the Road: Aly and Mark were joined by Henry Byalikov for a fast-paced jive set to “Hit The Road Jack.” The men spend all their time teasing her about her inability to count while dancing, but she pulls it off. The judges complement her growth this season before doling out a string of 9s. She is a steadily improving competitor, but she may not have the charisma and fans to pull in the votes to make it to the finals. 27/30.

Rankings: Zendaya “Perfect Score” Coleman sits atop the leaderboard with 58, while Sean “Insurance Salesman” Lowe sits at the bottom with a 42.

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3 comments
KylePittman
KylePittman

The show really needs to fire the female host. She is so bad. I thought she would improve after time but she hasn't. She has no natural ability or spontaeity

ChrisB098
ChrisB098

I hope that Sean finally gets the axe tonight because he is just so fake and awkward when he dances and I can’t stand his reality show fame.Andy was much more entertaining in my opinion and it is a shame that he had to go home first.I missed the show because I got held up leaving my office at DISH last night, but thankfully I was able to catch up with a recording.I love how my DISH Hopper records everything on ABC during primetime, so I never have to worry about missing DWTS!

mngirl1974
mngirl1974

Zendaya's dance to "Don't Worry" was a Fox Trot not the Salsa.