Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars. This week is Latin Week, where the remaining so-called stars will be stepping lively to a Latin dance to a Latin song while the host and judges throw around Latin phrases. Did we mention it is Latin night? But in the inimitable words of TV pitchman Billy Mays, may he rest in peace: But wait, there’s more! While Latin week (did we mention that it’s Latin week?) is usually its own momentous occasion, with “only” seven dancers left, it’s not enough to fill two hours of air time. To round out the primetime block, there will also be a dance-off in which the winners will earn extra points — and one team will get immunity.
Here’s what happened on Dancing with the Stars:
Best Fighting Words: Jacoby Jones may be a Super Bowl champion and a wide receiver for the Baltimore Ravens, but he still needs his mommy. His mother is watching Judge Len Goodman after he panned Jacoby’s quick step last week. So even though he thought Jacoby’s salsa “rocked” the arena and called Jacoby a “cool dude,” the moment he mentioned that he would have liked fewer lifts, Mrs. Jones was on her feet hollering at the man.
Best Bruno-ism: “You spent more time flying around than Iron Man!”
Best Reason Not To Have Smell-o-Vision: Carrie-Ann Inaba told Jacoby that he “could fart the salsa,” which Brooke Burke-Charvat, of course, had to ask him about. “My grandma said you die if you keep it in, so I let it out.” He earned a 27/30. And a box of Gas-X.
Don’t Put Sexy In The “Skills” Of Your Resume Section: Ingo Rademacher is pretty sure that his day job as a sexy soap star on General Hospital will prepare him for dancing a rumba. The judges didn’t agree. They thought he lacked fluidity and his hip action wasn’t smooth. He got a 22/30, with a surprising high vote from Len.
Best Bonbon Shaking: American Idol alumna Kellie Pickler shook her bon-bon to a samba. Carrie-Ann thinks Kellie is technically perfect, but not connecting with the audience or the dance. Bruno and Len disagree. Len thinks she nailed the “‘how’ of the technique and ‘wow’ of the performance,” while Bruno said she shook his “bonbons.” She’s married, Bruno. They earned 29/30.
No Need to Apologize: Derek Hough apologized to his grandparents for performing without a shirt. Don’t bother, Derek, your grandparents know the reason America votes for you.
Say Farewell: Comedian Andy Dick may be the least sexy person alive. Even Derek’s grandparents can probably one-up him. So when he dances the rumba, Sharna Burgess does what she can with the gangly and awkward performer, but there’s only so long his personality and underdog charm can carry him through. This dance did him no favors. Len aptly described it as “more erratic than erotic.” Then they doled out a piddling 17/30.
Best Miracle: Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman broke Mark Ballas to the point that his spine doctor said it would take “a miracle” for him to perform tonight. And yet, here he was, dancing a salsa and bouncing Aly’s head on his heel. To reward them for proving that miracles do happen, they judges rewarded them with a 29/30.
Best Threesome: To help Bachelor Sean Lowe get in the mood for love, Peta Murgatroyd brought in his hard-won fiancée Catherine. Then Peta watched as Sean and Catherine made out. The slightly pervy technique seemed to work, though, because when Sean and Peta danced to Enrique Iglesias’ “I Can Be Your Hero,” they earned a 24/30.
Most Nitpickingest: As a consistent frontrunner and strong, natural dancer, Disney star Zendaya Coleman had to expect some tough judging. But it must be a little frustrating to be docked points because your chin is too low. Still her paso dobles earned her a 27/30.
Best Performance: Juanes, the Colombian superstar, performed his international hit while the troupe danced.
Dance Off: After tabulating the votes, Kellie and Derek cannot be eliminated tomorrow night, but the rest of the stars must square off in a dance-off. They will compete against another couple and dance either the cha-cha, jive or rumba. For each of the three duels, the winning team will receive an extra three points.
Round One: Andy vs. Aly. It was barely a competition when Andy and Sharna danced the cha-cha against Aly and Mark. Aly and Mark unanimously won three extra points.
Round Two: Zendaya vs. Jacoby. It was a close match between jive experts, but Zendaya and Val won unanimously, despite the fact that Jacoby once again did a standing leap over Karina’s head. Zendaya earned three more points.
Best Diss: While trying to choose who to dance against, Val recommended that Zendaya “pick on someone” their own size and then chose Jacoby and Karina, meaning that Ingo and Sean are way beneath them. Zing! Jacoby and Karina chose the jive
Best Footwear: While Zendaya has proven herself to be a worthy competitor, she is only 16. So when she chose to dance in Converse high-tops it was both age-appropriate and adorable.
Round Three: Sean vs. Ingo. In the only split decision of the night, Carrie-Ann and Len voted for Ingo, while Bruno gave it to Sean. Majority rules and Ingo got the three extra points.
The Rankings: Aly and Mark lead with 32; at the bottom, Andy and Sharna with 17.
Best Reason To Come Back Tomorrow: A heartwarming story of survival from the Boston bombing, plus someone’s going home. Probably Andy.