Last night, on Dancing with the Stars, the contestants danced to mark the best year of their lives (including such events like the birth of their children, winning gold at the Olympics, achieving sobriety, and seeing Beyoncé in concert). They marked their magical moments with sambas, tumbles, more than a few tears, and enough men without shirts to remind you why you watch this show in the first place. The stars opened their hearts, the judges had their say, and America voted. Now, one of the stars will be sent home to think about what they’ve done. But before we get to that, we will be treated to an all-female revue, a performance by country star Brad Paisley, a duet from Jennifer Lopez and Andrea Bocelli, and the return of the AT&T Spotlight Dance.
Here’s what happened on Dancing with the Stars:
Top of the Pops: As expected, Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman, currently atop the leaderboard; Disney star Zendaya Coleman; and country singer and American Idol alum Kellie Pickler are all safe. Joining them is General Hospital star Ingo Rademacher, who may be riding a wave of nostalgia votes as GH is celebrating its 50th anniversary on the air.
Painful Truth: If you squint, Kellie Pickler looks like Cloris Leachman.
Repeat Performance: The judges chose to see a reprise of Aly and Mark Ballas’ contemporary dance to David Guetta and Sia’s “Titanium.” The choice was unsurprising because the performance caused Bruno Tonioli to screech, “Forget about titanium — you are going for gold, darling!” Plus, the judges never miss the opportunity to see a tumbling pass on the dance floor.
Also Safe: Bachelor Sean Lowe and Super Bowl champion Jacoby Jones
Worst Use of Airtime: A fake behind-the-scenes look at Bruno’s “staff writer,” which was simultaneously boring and head-shakingly unfunny. It also seems to rip off the New York Lottery ad where a guy wins big and is suddenly rich enough to have Andy Richter write all his cocktail-party banter.
Missed Opportunity: Country singer Brad Paisley performed a song, but for some reason opted not to sing his much buzzed-about song “Accidental Racist.” Instead, he opted to sing his most recent No. 1 hit, “Southern Comfort Zone.”
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Tear Break: 17-year-old Brilynn Rakes was born with nystagmus and cone dystrophy, which means she is legally blind. This hasn’t dulled her passion for dance—she has won several awards, including winning a full scholarship to Julliard’s summer workshop. Despite having extremely limited vision, she jumps up and down in excitement the moment Derek Hough shows up. He is there to surprise her by dancing a duet with her for her the AT&T Spotlight Dance, when she was expecting a solo. The dance was beautiful enough to forgive Derek for wearing khakis during his dance with Kellie Pickler.
The Best Duet: Jennifer Lopez and Andrea Boccelli performed the classic Latin song “Quizas, Quizas, Quizas.” This is the same song popularized by Doris Day and Rock Hudson as “Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps,” but sounds so much more risqué and poignant when sung in Spanish. As the truly dynamic duo sang, Val Chmerkovskiy and Ana Trebunskaya danced in a smoke-filled room.
DL Hughley-ism of the Night: “I got a 7 out of Len, which is actually a sign of the apocalypse.” Thank gawd the world isn’t ending and that DL can stick around to give us more one-liners and zippy jokes like the one about making babies with every rumba-required hip thrust.
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Bottom Three: Boxer Victor Ortiz, Real Housewife Lisa Vanderpump and Andy Dick make a triumvirate of jeopardy—which sounds like a bad Journey song. But it’s actually just sad, because this is exactly the same trio in jeopardy after week two. Who is safe? Andy Dick. Who actually deserved it for his heartfelt ode to sobriety, an incredibly earnest Viennese waltz, and most importantly, for making Carrie-Ann Inaba bawl like a baby who gave the dog his lollipop.
Who Went Home: Lisa and partner Gleb Savchenko and her little dog, too, are leaving. The ever-classy Lisa thanked her castmates, who included “gold medalists and Olympians” for making a “once-in-a-lifetime experience.”