Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars, the show where stars — decked out in spray tans, Spandex and sequins — take to the dance floor to cha cha, rumba and jive in the hopes of bringing home a giant mirror-ball trophy. Included in the veritable Chex Mix of actors, comedians, and athletes is the recently revealed 12th contestant, none other than The Bachelor, Sean Lowe.
However, before we proceed, we have a confession: we missed the premiere episode. We should feel bad about this, but we don’t. Why? Because absolutely nothing happened last week. No-thing. Zero. Zilch. Zippo. Everyone danced, no one went home. Last week’s scores are simply being added to this week’s scores.
So here we are at Week Two with: three new pros (Gleb Savchenko; Lindsay Arnold, from So You Think You Can Dance; and Sharna Burgess who moved up from the Troupe), the same cranky judges, and some new stars ready to peddle their wares to a nation.
Here’s what happened on Dancing with the Stars last night:
Most Middle Of The Road: General Hospital star Ingo Rademacher and Kym Johnson got a “well done” from Judge Len Goodman for their quickstep, which is pretty impressive for Week 2. Carrie Ann Inaba, however, thought his “frame was off” and then Carrie Ann and Grumpy Len got into a battle of the sexes until host Tom Bergeron sent them into time out. They got a 20 (+ 20 from last week).
Sympathy Votes: Whenever a dance segment starts with a medical diagnosis and ends with a pouty-lipped celebrity, you know your heartstrings are being tugged. Due to a cyst, Dorothy Hamill hasn’t been able to dance for a few days, so Tristan McManus has been teaching her the jive via helpful YouTube instructional videos or something. Their jive to “Chantilly Lace” was a little wobbly to say the least, but Bruno Tonioli called the former Olympian “darling” five times, so she’s still a winner, despite earning 15 this week (+ 21 from last week).
Most Inspiring: Super Bowl Champ Jacoby Jones loudly passed gas on national television. With enough practice maybe your kid can too some day!
Best Public Shaming: Jacoby is not making things easy for Karina Smirnoff, so she brought in some tiny thugs to teach the Baltimore Raven a thing or two about dance. Only when he was surrounded, Gulliver’s Travels-style. by the Lilliputian ballerinas did he finally start paying attention.
Best Use of Instagram: During Jacoby and Karina’s jazz routine, the producers somehow managed to run the entire DWTS feed through an Instagram filter to give it that old-time jazzy feel. The dance was fun and “full of razzle dazzle and razzamatazz” according to Len. Score of 23 (+ 20 from last week)
Best Hugger: During rehearsal, Victor Ortiz almost walked out on DWTS newbie Lindsay Arnold, but boxers can’t be seen as quitters. Luckily, they can be seen as huggers. Victor quickly apologized with a cuddle and resumed practicing for his jive.
Biggest Diss: While critiquing Victor’s performance, Bruno called it a “Zumba dance.” That can’t possibly be a good thing, except for his glutes of course. They earned an 18 this week (+ 18 from last week).
Best Goal: Wynonna Judd’s aim for this week’s dance is to “not pee her pants.” As a member of the television viewing audience, I applaud this goal as that would definitely be “Must Not See TV”
Best Use Of Segues: Pro Tony Dovolani is tasked with helping Wynonna achieve her dream of dry pants and he pulls it off by, as Len describes it, “keeping it in first gear” and riding out on Segways, outfittted in police uniforms, before busting a slow move to the Pointer Sisters’ “Neutron Dance.” They earned 18 (+ 18 from last week).
Just The Best: 16-year old Disney actress Zendaya Coleman is relatively unknown to both the under-12 and over-18 set, but she is without a doubt the best dancer on the show. That’s why she was able to score an impressive 26 on the second week. (+ 24 last week)
The Zany Guy: Standing in the Carson Kressley Memorial Spot this season is actor-comedian Andy Dick, who performed a jazz routine to Lady Gaga’s “Pokerface,” which was so engaging that the camera cut to Bruno dancing along. Len thought it was “a laugh” and applauded the fact that while Andy’s not the best dancer, he is completely committed. They earned a 20 (+17 last week).
Favorite Footage: Peta Murgatroyd hollering at The Bachelor Sean Lowe. After surviving an entire season of women kowtowing to Sean in the hopes of getting a rose on The Bachelor it was nice to see someone yell at him for awhile.
Best Costume: Sean Lowe dressed as a dashing lifeguard saving the bikini-clad Peta made their jive almost watchable, especially for Bruno who pleaded, “Save me, Sean!” Sean earned 20, which was one point higher than last week’s 19.
Good Question: As Len excoriates Sean for being too much show and not enough substance, someone — maybe Sean’s fiancée Catherine?— yelled, “Why is Len so grumpy?”
Fun Fact: Former Olympian Aly Raiser actually made her DWTS debut in November as part of Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough’s freestyle routine during the All-Star season. Her quickstep with Mark Ballas had finesse, and Carrie-Ann called Aly’s performance “the best quickstep of the night.” Even Len said it was “terrific” giving her a 24 (+21 from last week)
First World Problem: Real Housewife Lisa Vanderpump performed a jive dressed as a flight attendant, which gave Bruno the opportunity to dismiss it as subpar because she’s “not used to commercial flights.” Aw, rich-person zing! She earned 18 points (+ 18 from last week).
Like A Slow Moving Phoenix: Last week, comedian DL Hughley was eviscerated by the judges and the King of Comedy found himself on the bottom of the leaderboard. This week he’s gun-shy and is taking it out on his partner Cheryl Burke — describing their routine as “doing their Whitney and Bobby impersonations.” Their performance this week improved enough to earn a 16 (+12 from last week).
Biggest Wow Factor: Derek Hough fills the stage with smoke and lights for his jazz dance with American Idol alum Kellie Pickler. It was a Week 10 performance on Week 2 and it blew away Carrie Ann Inaba to the point that she almost swore on national television. Len said, “Last week was a spark, this week is a fire.” They got a well-deserved 26 (+21 from last week)
The Rankings: Zendaya Coleman tops the leaderboard while DL Hughley holds down the bottom.
Best Reason To Come Back Tomorrow: Icona Pop and Josh Groban perform. Also, finally, someone is going home.