The Bachelor finale is here! Sean Lowe is contractually obligated to find love by the end of this episode — or our money back. This year (okay, every year) ABC has promised a “bombshell finale.” Here’s hoping that Sean chooses to stay in Thailand and re-enact scenes from The Impossible over and over again. Over the the last few months, Sean has struggled to find the love of his life, while we’ve had the pleasure and the privilege of watching him endure Tierra and make out with dozens of women. Now it is time for Sean’s family to come to Chiang Rai, Thailand to meet the stranger who will be sitting around their Thanksgiving table in a few short months. So who will it be Contestant No. 1 or Contestant No. 2? Will Catherine or Lindsay be picking out china patterns as the future Mrs. Sean Lowe (or, more realistically, appearing on the cover of US Weekly as the next Bachelorette after a “painful” break up in two months time)? It’s a three-hour live show and for those playing along at home, take a drink every time anyone says the word “journey.”
Here’s what happened on the finale of The Bachelor:
Grammar, Please: “Although I see Catherine as my wife, I equally see Lindsay as my wife as well.” Oh, Sean, can’t ABC buy you a copywriter?
Worst Compliment: Sean describes Contestant No. 1, Catherine, to his family as “funny and weird.” Just the impression a girl wants to make on her future in-laws.
Point: Dad: “We didn’t know you were funny and weird, son.” — Sean’s dad, after Sean described himself as funny and weird, just like Catherine.
Anatomy Lesson: Sean’s mother can’t believe that Sean doesn’t know which woman he prefers, “You need to know in your head which way you’re going.” Not sure his head is what’s making this decision.
Kiss of Death: When asked about Catherine, Sean’s mom said,”She’s a wonderful girl.” That can’t be good, right?
Tough Crowd: Sean’s dad came prepared for his interviews with the contestants/potential daughters-in-law. First question to Catherine, “Do you believe in The Bachelor process?”
TMI, Catherine: The next question Sean’s dad posed,”How do you know you’re in love?” Catherine’s answer? “By giving myself completely to him.”
Peeping Mom: Sean’s mom announces that she wants “to see the passion” between Sean and Catherine. Maybe he just doesn’t want to make out in front of his mom.
It’s A Promise, It’s A Threat: Sean’s dad tells Catherine that, “If you’re the one that Sean asks to marry, then you will never have a bigger fan than me.” Catherine tears up. What was not said is that if Sean doesn’t choose you, you’ll be tarred, feathered and branded as a loser.
Batter Up: Catherine is quickly ushered out of the house and Lindsay gets dropped off by a UPS guy.
Zing! When Lindsay told Sean’s dad that “marriage is compromise,” he asked her, “Will you talk to my wife about that?”
Forget the Gerber Life Plan: Sean’s dad told Lindsay that when Sean was born he and his wife prayed every day for Sean’s future wife.
Turnabout Is Fair Play: Lindsay asked Sean’s father for Sean’s hand in marriage.
Wishful Thinking: Where’s the heartfelt chat between Sean and his brother-in-law about the Fantasy Suites?
Child-Rearing Is Hard: During their heart-to-heart talk, Sean’s mom starts crying. Probably because her son thought it was a good idea to go on The Bachelor.
Missing The Point: Sean’s mom doesn’t want Sean to propose to anybody “if it feels like pressure.” Then she cries and reminds Sean that it’s a big decision. Well, yeah, that’s the point. If Sean didn’t feel pressured to make a decision in 17 episodes, what would we watch on Mondays between 8 to 10 p.m.? Oh, right Dancing with the Stars.
Best Idea: Sean can’t decide which woman to marry? Let his toddler niece and nephew choose! Now that would be a reality show to watch.
One-on-One Date: Sean takes Lindsay on a cruise down the river threatening to wrestle her. Lindsay interviews, “We’re always kissing, because I feel that that’s how he can really express himself to me.” That won’t help you resolve who has to take out the recycling.
Match Made in Heaven: Sean and Lindsay both describe themselves as “goofy.”
If Wishes Were Horses: Sean and Lindsay write wishes on paper lanterns and send them up to the skies. Sean’s says “happiness.” Lindsay’s just says “Sean.” And it’s written in blood. Just kidding! It’s written in tears.
Check Your Math: Lindsay thinks that Sean is her husband “24 years in the making.” Actually, 24 years and two months of reality television.
Riding An Elephant Isn’t A Euphemism: For their one-on-one date, Sean takes Catherine for a ride on an elephant. The real elephant in the room is why Sean and Catherine are wearing matching outfits.
Good Answer: When Catherine realizes that “the next time I get to see him, he might be on his knee,” she decides to go all in. She whispers to Sean, “I love you.” Sean decides to go all in, too, and puts his hand on her rear and says, “We had an amazing day.” Obviously, she starts crying.
Neil Lane Product Placement: As he chooses a ring, Sean tells consigliere Neil Lane that he’s about to dedicate his life to this woman. Life, or the next four to six months, whichever comes first.
Good Use Of Prime Time: Sean spends 30 minutes of prime air time getting dressed, which is boring. That said, he did pause long enough to oil his bare chest. Well done, ABC.
Is That A Hint? To the final rose ceremony, which appears to be taking place in a swamp/mini-golf course, Lindsay wears silver and Catherine wears gold. Desiree is at home wearing bronze.
And The Loser Is… So who is first out of the limo? Lindsay. Her dismissal is even more humiliating as in voice-over she says that “today is the day that I’m going to get engaged.” Or sent packing for what Sean explains is “no reason.” That should keep some therapist in business for years to come. Or until they name her the new star of The Bachelorette.
Perks Of Being A General’s Daughter: Lindsay bravely holds back the tears as Sean dumps her on national television. Probably ’cause she knows her dad ordered a drone strike.
The Best Bachelor Break-Up Moment Ever: After Lindsay gets the bad news, she immediately takes off her heels. Because Sean doesn’t deserve her in heels.
The Letter: Every 30 minutes or so, Chris Harrison earns his handsome salary by popping in to remind us that there is a mystery letter appearing at the final rose ceremony. So what’s in the letter from Catherine? Just a boring old love note. Nothing to get excited about, Chris Harrison.
The End: Sean proposes to Catherine with a Neil Lane diamond nose ring. So touching! As he puts the ring on as her trembling hand, Sean finally tells her that he loves her so much. Then they ride an elephant into the sunset.
But Wait, There’s More: Too much is never enough when it comes to The Bachelor, so for hour three: Sean tries to get Lindsay to sign off on getting dumped, Chris Harrison tries to get Lindsay to dole out valuable life lessons that she learned on The Bachelor, and the live studio audience screams for Sean to take off his shirt.
Going Down The Aisle: ABC’s biggest problem with The Bachelor is that they have never had a successful marriage. To solve that little problem, they are forcing Sean and Catherine down the aisle ASAP. Chris Harrison even offers to marry them on the spot.
The Next Bachelorette? Desiree! Can’t wait to see how her brother undermines her relationships!