It’s the night we’ve all been waiting for. It’s the most magical episode in The Bachelor season. No, it’s not the finale. It’s the night that the women tell all! In front of a studio audience packed with females — and a few men we can only assume are hostages — eager to boo, hoot and holler on cue, the women spilled the beans on Sean, Tierra and everything in between. As it turns out, no one was on The Bachelor to make friends. It also turns out that Tierra’s “Sparkle” is not a euphemism for anything. And that being able to “picture” yourself with someone is not actually a viable criterion for a sustainable relationship.
Here’s what happened last night on The Bachelor: The Women Tell All:
How many of you think this is the best season of The Bachelor ever? Screams.
Best Hobby: How does Sean fill his free time? By crashing Bachelor-watching parties with Chris Harrison, including a surprise entrance at a UCLA sorority house where the volume reached the upper limits of what the human ear can hear without doing permanent damage. Sean claimed the party-crashing changed his life, especially when he was pressured into removing his shirt by the insistent (and loud) residents of sorority house. Ladies, hazing is illegal.
Lacuna Inc.: Remember all the drunk girls at the initial cocktail party? Neither do we.
So You’ve Never Seen The Show: When asked what she thought the atmosphere on the show would be like, Desiree thought everyone would be cordial and kind.
Best Advice: “You gotta hide your crazy.” — Selma, truth talker.
Most Important Question Of The Evening: Was Tierra’s fall down the stairs real or not real? On a scale of 1 to Fake, it was Fake. The only person who disagreed was Brooke, who no one remembers being on the show, who called out the girls out for being jealous of Tierra because she got attention they wanted.
Worst Reason To Build A Time Machine: Chris queried the women as to whether Tierra ruined anyone’s chances to find love and oil-field exec Robyn claimed she did. She was so distracted by Tierra’s shenanigans and malarkey that she was couldn’t focus on her mission. She wished she could go back in time and do it all again.
It’s The Sparkle Talking: “I light up a room! When I walk into a room, I bring this joy and smile and happiness” — Tierra
The Curse Of The First-Impression Rose: Tierra felt like she had a target on her back because Sean gave her the first rose. Her Tierrable personality had nothing to do with it.
They Have A Point: “They just felt that I didn’t want to be friends with them,” Tierra said about the other women in the house. Chris Harrison asked, “Did you want to be friends with them?” “No.”
Non, Tierra Ne Regret Rien: She has nothing to apologize for. She did nothing wrong. She was a dream.
Never Forget: The literal translation of Tierra’s name into English is “dirt.”
Telling It Like It Is: “You’re delusional.” — Robyn, who I hope is the next Bachelorette, to Tierra.
You Say Tomato: “I’m not calling you a liar,” Tierra said to AshLee, “I’m saying, ‘You lied to me.'”
Most Interesting Reveal: Tierra was crowned Little Miss Nevada as a child. Her talent was sparkling and she was genuinely confused why she didn’t win “Miss Congeniality.”
Best Poker Face: Sarah managed to keep her composure watching herself cry after Sean dismissed her. She still doesn’t understand how Sean’s feelings could change, but she thinks it has more to do with her arm and less with feelings.
Best Supporting Actor Award Goes To: Desiree’s brother. He has Desiree’s back and has the worst way of showing it.
Is That A Hint? Chris Harrison tells Desiree, “You are very beloved” at the end of her interview. Is that Bachelor code for “You are the next star of The Bachelorette“?
Look Out, He’s Self Aware! When describing AshLee’s dismissal from the show, Chris Harrison used the phrase “most dramatic rose ceremony ever,” pausing for a beat before adding, “Not that I use that phrase very often.”
Cold Diss: AshLee called Sean “a frat boy.” That’s all the revenge she needs.
Awk-Ward: In a move that made everyone feel uncomfortable in their own living rooms, Chris Harrison invited AshLee and Sean to get closure on stage. Sean noted her new hair color and it only went downhill from there.
Bombshell: AshLee has one question for Sean: “Why did you say, you ‘have absolutely no feelings’ for the other women?” during their stay in the camera-free Fantasy Suites. Sean flat-out denies saying it. AshLee follows up, “You said it twice.” Sean denies it some more, implying that AshLee lied and somewhere Tierra and her eyebrows are feeling very satisfied.
A Real Tearjerker: The last few moments of the show were dedicated to Magic, a mysterious set-dwelling Rottweiler who apparently passed away. Hope it wasn’t something you caught on set, boy. RIP
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Sean finally chooses between Lindsay and Catherine. Finally!