The Bachelor Watch: The Women Tell All

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CRAIG SJODIN / ABC

It’s the night we’ve all been waiting for. It’s the most magical episode in The Bachelor season. No, it’s not the finale. It’s the night that the women tell all! In front of a studio audience packed with females — and a few men we can only assume are hostages — eager to boo, hoot and holler on cue, the women spilled the beans on Sean, Tierra and everything in between. As it turns out, no one was on The Bachelor to make friends. It also turns out that Tierra’s “Sparkle” is not a euphemism for anything. And that being able to “picture” yourself with someone is not actually a viable criterion for a sustainable relationship.

Here’s what happened last night on The Bachelor: The Women Tell All:

How many of you think this is the best season of The Bachelor ever? Screams.

(MORE: The Bachelor Watch: Three’s A Crowd in a Fantasy Suite)

Best Hobby: How does Sean fill his free time? By crashing Bachelor-watching parties with Chris Harrison, including a surprise entrance at a UCLA sorority house where the volume reached the upper limits of what the human ear can hear without doing permanent damage. Sean claimed the party-crashing changed his life, especially when he was pressured into removing his shirt by the insistent (and loud) residents of sorority house. Ladies, hazing is illegal.

Lacuna Inc.: Remember all the drunk girls at the initial cocktail party? Neither do we.

So You’ve Never Seen The Show: When asked what she thought the atmosphere on the show would be like, Desiree thought everyone would be cordial and kind.

Best Advice: “You gotta hide your crazy.” — Selma, truth talker.

Most Important Question Of The Evening: Was Tierra’s fall down the stairs real or not real? On a scale of 1 to Fake, it was Fake. The only person who disagreed was Brooke, who no one remembers being on the show, who called out the girls out for being jealous of Tierra because she got attention they wanted.

Worst Reason To Build A Time Machine: Chris queried the women as to whether Tierra ruined anyone’s chances to find love and oil-field exec Robyn claimed she did. She was so distracted by Tierra’s shenanigans and malarkey that she was couldn’t focus on her mission. She wished she could go back in time and do it all again.

It’s The Sparkle Talking: “I light up a room! When I walk into a room, I bring this joy and smile and happiness” — Tierra

(MORE: The Bachelor Watch: Sean Tells All)

The Curse Of The First-Impression Rose: Tierra felt like she had a target on her back because Sean gave her the first rose. Her Tierrable personality had nothing to do with it.

They Have A Point: “They just felt that I didn’t want to be friends with them,” Tierra said about the other women in the house. Chris Harrison asked, “Did you want to be friends with them?” “No.”

Non, Tierra Ne Regret Rien: She has nothing to apologize for. She did nothing wrong. She was a dream.

Never Forget: The literal translation of Tierra’s name into English is “dirt.”

Telling It Like It Is: “You’re delusional.” — Robyn, who I hope is the next Bachelorette, to Tierra.

You Say Tomato: “I’m not calling you a liar,” Tierra said to AshLee, “I’m saying, ‘You lied to me.’”

(MORE: Missee Harris Wants to Be the First Black Bachelorette)

Most Interesting Reveal: Tierra was crowned Little Miss Nevada as a child. Her talent was sparkling and she was genuinely confused why she didn’t win “Miss Congeniality.”

Best Poker Face: Sarah managed to keep her composure watching herself cry after Sean dismissed her. She still doesn’t understand how Sean’s feelings could change, but she thinks it has more to do with her arm and less with feelings.

Best Supporting Actor Award Goes To: Desiree’s brother. He has Desiree’s back and has the worst way of showing it.

Is That A Hint? Chris Harrison tells Desiree, “You are very beloved” at the end of her interview. Is that Bachelor code for “You are the next star of The Bachelorette“?

Look Out, He’s Self Aware! When describing AshLee’s dismissal from the show, Chris Harrison used the phrase “most dramatic rose ceremony ever,”  pausing for a beat before adding, “Not that I use that phrase very often.”

Cold Diss: AshLee called Sean “a frat boy.” That’s all the revenge she needs.

Awk-Ward: In a move that made everyone feel uncomfortable in their own living rooms, Chris Harrison invited AshLee and Sean to get closure on stage. Sean noted her new hair color and it only went downhill from there.

Bombshell: AshLee has one question for Sean: “Why did you say, you ‘have absolutely no feelings’ for the other women?” during their stay in the camera-free Fantasy Suites. Sean flat-out denies saying it. AshLee follows up, “You said it twice.” Sean denies it some more, implying that AshLee lied and somewhere Tierra and her eyebrows are feeling very satisfied.

A Real Tearjerker: The last few moments of the show were dedicated to Magic, a mysterious set-dwelling Rottweiler who apparently passed away. Hope it wasn’t something you caught on set, boy. RIP

Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Sean finally chooses between Lindsay and Catherine. Finally!

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8 comments
Cmakbb9
Cmakbb9 like.author.displayName 1 Like

I just want to say that I've REALLY been enjoying your humorous recaps of this season's episodes of The Bachelor. I've never watched a full season before this one, and I only started partially because I stumbled across your hilarious writing. I saw the 3rd recap and thought "I MUST figure out where she's coming from." These make the Bachelor soooo much better. Thanks for sharing your views!

vrcplou
vrcplou like.author.displayName 1 Like

@Cmakbb9 You know, if she live-blogged these I might actually watch, too!

Cmakbb9
Cmakbb9

@vrcplou @Cmakbb9 That would be even better! Instead I just make snarky comments to myself while I watch. Not nearly as cool...

CatherineRoss
CatherineRoss

Wow, things with Sean and AshLee were pretty awkward. Moments like that are why I always look forward to the Women Tell All episodes of this show! I can’t wait to see what happens next week in the finale. Unfortunately I won’t be home to watch that episode live because I’ll be working my shift at DISH. My DISH Hopper is set up to record all the primetime shows on ABC every night, though, so I’ll be able to get caught up in no time.

Headacheone
Headacheone

Desiree WON! Her brother cared enough about her to be HONEST.  Something that is certainly not priority on this show.  Do you really think he didnt pick her because of her brother?  People are dumber than I thought.  Sean saw a great opportunity to blame someone else for what he was really feeling or NOT FEELING and her brother knows her, could feel the energy of the situation and called him out on it!  I dont understand why everyone is villifying the guy.  Sean IS a frat boy. NOT a man.  I guarantee you, whoever he ends up with, it will not last, just like most of the other bachelors and bachelorettes.

jordon
jordon

The real topic of discussion is the obvious CHEMISTRY that is STILL between Sean and Desiree. Even Chris H. saw it and mentioned it.  In my opinion, Desiree is who he had in mind to take to the end. And that all went south because of her brother. Desiree is the complete package. He most likely kicked AshLee to the curb because she is very emotional. She wears her emotions on her shoulder...why people always see that as a negative I don't understand. I think Desiree and Ashlee were both realistic matches for him. The other girls left are sweet, but they have a lot of maturing to do. However, Sean does come off as a big "kid" if you roll back the tape and look...so he's most likely looking for a playmate...you can only play in the sandbox for so long...time to grow up.

ppehs
ppehs like.author.displayName 1 Like

This show make women look STUPID and sets Women's lib movement back humdredes of years I know Gloria Steinnem CRINGES every time this TRAH airs!

ppehs
ppehs

PLEEEEAAAZE thake this GARBAGE show off the air!