It’s the night we’ve been waiting an entire season for. That’s right, it’s Fantasy Suite night on The Bachelor. But Sean, the born-again virgin, is not thinking about who he is going to spend the night with, but who he is going to spend the rest of his life with. Will it be Lindsay or AshLee or Catherine? Who knows! There’s a good chance Sean will spend a lot of the show leaning over a railing and staring off into the middle distance, contemplating his choices. Adding to the High Drama, this week in Bachelor history is painful for Sean, because it reminds him of the week that Emily sent him home from Curaçao. That’s right, it’s harder for him than it is for the ladies.
Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelor:
Catherine 101: Sean thinks Catherine is “funny, sweet, nerdy and goofy.” He likes that, because he “needs more silly in his life” — is that what the kids are calling it these days? — and Catherine may be the one to provide that.
AshLee 101: Then there’s AshLee. Sean clicked AND gelled with her. AshLee declared her love several times last week and Sean states,”To know that someone I like so much is in love with me is humbling.” AshLee says she has a “soul connection” with Sean, while Sean claims that he “likes her so much.” Uh oh.
Lindsay 101: While Sean almost sent her home on the first night due to the whole coming-across-as-completely-bananas thing, they had a spark that has grown into a massive flame. One that presumably can’t be treated with a course of penicillin.
Thai-ing One on With Lindsay: “This is nothing like Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri!”
I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That): Sean wants to “test [Lindsay] a little bit,” not because he’s a jerk …well, because he’s a jerk. She had specifically told him she didn’t want to eat a bug, so Sean makes Lindsay eat a bug …for love.
Danger, Will Robinson! Lindsay told Sean that she’s falling in love with him and he responds, “You’re the best friend I’ve been looking for.” He’s just not that into you.
Best Out-Of-Context Quote: “I have everything open.”
Just Guessing: At one point in the evening Lindsay declares, “Thailand is all around us!” It’s not clear what subject she substitute-teaches, but geography is a strong possibility.
I Lov— What?: Lindsay really wants to tell Sean how she is feeling. Well, how she is feeling besides queasy from all the bug-eating. She knows that she has to tell Sean she loves him, or — in the cutthroat world of The Bachelor — end up rose-less. But every time Lindsay is about to tell him, something interrupts her.
Fantasy Suite #1: Sean and Lindsay may be meant for each other, because when he tells Lindsay the uber-romantic sentiment, “You could be my best friend,” she replies, “I feel the same way.”
The Best Aphrodisiac: Lindsay finally gets out the L-word. And she and Sean start making out.
Further Evidence That Sean Is Kind Of A Jerk: Sean knows that Ashlee has control issues but he likes “challenging her.” Further he chortles, “I have something in store for her that could scare her.” Scaring chicks is a great way to prove they are wife material. And that you’re a jerk.
A Pitch-Black Sea Cave As Metaphor For Love: In traditional Bachelor-style, AshLee is certain that falling in love is a lot like swimming through a pitch-black sea cave, musing “That’s kind of how life is sometimes!” and “If you don’t let go, you don’t fall in love.” Well, it’s either love or the beginning of an Eli Roth movie.
The Real Metaphor For Marriage: As they make their way through the cave, Sean claims that he wants to show AshLee he can keep her safe and get her to their destination. While AshLee is willing to give in for now, just wait until they have been married for ten years and Sean refuses to ask for directions.
Surgeon General Replacement: “This man has literally healed my broken heart,” AshLee claims.
Noted: AshLee won’t agree to the Fantasy Suite until we, the viewing audience, all know that she is not crossing “that boundary.” She didn’t make us sign a notarized affidavit or anything, though.
Fantasy Suite #2: Public-Service Announcement: Telling your beau your ring size and preferred diamond shape (“cushion cut”? — really AshLee?) is not ideal Fantasy Suite foreplay.
She’s Ready: Catherine and Sean have a heart-to-heart talk that proves she is ready to settle down, start a family and, most serious of all, move to Houston.
No Fair: While Lindsay had to eat a bug and AshLee had to swim through a pitch black sea cave, Catherine only had to snorkel in a coral reef. Somewhere, Desiree is throwing a glass of goat milk at the television screen.
Strike Three: Before Sean can tell Catherine that he only wants to cuddle in the Fantasy Suite, Catherine cuts him off at the pass and tells him she’s “traditional” in that she would never meet her spouse on a dating show. Oh, wait.
The Inconvenient (and Slightly Gross) Truth: The only girl we saw get kissed with any tongue action from Sean was Catherine. She’s going to win.
Hold Your Horses: Chris Harrison shows up in Thailand to ask Sean the tough questions. Like, “Is your wife here?” Sean claims she is, and that he’s in love. Not that they’ll tell us for two more weeks and approximately nine more hours of programming.
Giving Max Headroom A Run For His Money: Before the final Rose Ceremony, Lindsay, Catherine and AshLee make pleading videos to remind Sean of all their good times together and, maybe, their futures: “I met you in a wedding dress and hopefully I can wear one for you again soon,” said Lindsay, while Catherine diplomatically and coyly noted, “I’m so happy that I’m falling in love with you.” Despite claiming that she’s “the happiest [she’s] ever been in [her] entire life,” AshLee twice breaks down in tears trying to explain how Sean healed her broken heart.
Rose Ceremony: Lindsay gets the first rose. She grabs her rose while Catherine and AshLee hyperventilate and try not to faint on national television. Sean finally calls Catherine’s name and AshLee looks like she’s going to murder him. If she was a real FemBot she would have shot laser beams out of her eyes.
The Fallout: AshLee doesn’t bother saying goodbye to Lindsay and Catherine, preferring to storm off with Sean running after her. She tells him to stay, but he won’t obey and insists on giving her closure even though his picture on a dart board would probably count as closure for her. AshLee dead eyes him until he’s done talking and then gets in the car. Undoubtedly to the producers’ chagrin, AshLee’s too mad to cry.
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: The women tell all!