Welcome back to The Bachelor, where Sean Lowe is still looking for love. This week, The Bachelor is rolling across America on hometown dates where Sean is so excited to meet [insert name here] and her family, and explore her beautiful hometown [insert city here]. He just can’t wait to spend awkward evenings with each of his four girlfriends’ families and ask for four hands in marriage.
Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelor:
Biggest Surprise: Sean had his shirt on during the intro.
Team Freud: Sean heads to Houston to meet up with Ashlee. As they laze around in a field, Ashlee thanks Sean for being so understanding about her first marriage. Sean’s response causes Ashlee to coo, “That’s the exact answer my dad would have given me!” As if that’s a good thing. Then they make out in a field, which we presume she wouldn’t do with her dad.
Ouch: Ashlee has never brought home anyone she’s “madly and deeply in love with.” Hope her first husband isn’t watching!
Dream Bigger (or Maybe Smaller?): Ashlee swears that since she was a little girl she has been dreaming of the day she could bring home a man she met on a reality show who she knows is dating three other women.
Awkward: For some reason, Ashlee tells her parents that “there was a lot of romance” on their dates. Ashlee’s dad (and his mustache) do not look pleased.
Spoiler Alert: “Are you going to break her heart?” “No ma’am.” We’ll see, we’ll see.
Creepy Out-Of-Context Quote Du Jour: “I see your daughter’s heart.”
Even Steven: Ashlee’s parents tell Sean that before they adopted her, Ashlee was in five foster homes in one year. That’s nothing though, because Sean was in 25 relationships in eight weeks.
Can We Start A Kickstarter To Buy Ashlee Some Cynicism: Ashlee can’t wait to get married. She loves Sean and knows that he is the one. Ashlee also seems to have forgotten that her boyfriend is dating three other women.
Advantage: Catherine: As the dynamic duo give the tourists something to gawk at in Pike Place Market, Sean spends the whole time talking about how amazing Catherine is, how he loves her energy and her smile, and how she makes him feel. As opposed to his last date, where Ashlee talked about Sean and he smiled politely. Also, Catherine’s mom got a way bigger bouquet.
Good Behavior: Sean wore an apron and rolled lumpia with Catherine’s mom, flirted with Grandma and then did some pushups with Catherine on his back. You know, the usual meet-the-family stuff.
Sisters, Man: Sean asks Catherine’s sisters whether they think she’s “ready to settle down” and they respond with an awkward silence and then a long rambling answer about how Catherine ditches boyfriends who don’t support her lofty career goals. Then Sean asks her mother for her blessing and she changes the subject without giving an answer. While Sean “isn’t sure” how to proceed with Catherine, Catherine is sure she wants to kill her family.
Who’s Your Daddy: Sean is always nervous to meet the fathers. Lindsay’s father is a two-star general. Which makes it even more intimidating for Sean. Lindsay’s father may have two stars, but Ashlee’s dad has the better ‘stache.
Good Time For A Work Out: Sean declares that he loves her “youthful energy,” which Lindsay harnesses by putting him through Army boot camp, including even more push-ups. But this time with Lindsay sitting on his back. That guy will just let anyone sit on his back.
Army as Metaphor For Love: Sean knows that Lindsay’s father’s job is to “make men” and he hopes that he will make him a man or something. It wasn’t a very good metaphor.
A Real Stumper: “Are you asking for my blessing now?” “Yessir.” “I don’t know that I have an answer.” But then he decides Sean needs the authority to make the decision.
Best Response To The L Word: “I am definitely falling in love with you.” “You are?”
Fashion Milestone: Sean heads to LA to meet Desiree’s family. She obviously feels comfortable in the relationship, because she’s wearing yoga pants to their reunion.
Spoiler Alert: Desiree doesn’t live in a tent and is an artist.
Shocker: As Desiree and Sean prepare to meet her family, a mystery man shows up at her door and declares his love for Des. Sean looks shocked and ready to fight.
Best LA-style Diss: Des’ ex sneers at Sean, “You’re going to marry this actor?”
Prank! Devoted Bachelor watchers will remember that during one of their first dates, Sean pranked Desiree at an art gallery. This was the revenge, served up cold. While Sean swears he’s impressed that Des can give as good as she gets, prank-wise, he’s probably going to dump her for daring to embarrass him on national television.
Sibling Rivalry: Desiree’s brother is not convinced that The Bachelor is a legitimate path to love. In fact, he thinks this whole thing is “stupid,” which may put him out of the running to be the next Bachelor. He rolls his eyes as he straight-up tells Des, “It’s not going to work.” So I guess he’s a devoted Bachelor watcher, too.
Fireworks: Much to Des’ chagrin, her brother insists on talking to Sean alone. The brother doesn’t abide Sean or any of the Bachelor malarkey. To wit, when Sean swears, “I’m crazy about your sister,” her brother rolls his eyes, “You’re crazy about a lot of girls.” However when he adds, “I just think you’re a playboy,” he’s gone a step too far for Sean. I guess Des’ brother hasn’t seen the cover of US Weekly with Sean’s smiling face next to the “Virgin Bachelor” headline.
Well then: When Des’ mom asks if Sean is going to marry her daughter, Sean says that the name of his bride hasn’t been “laid on his heart.” Implying, perhaps it has been laid other places?
Pre-Rose Ceremony Jitters: Sean tells Chris Harrison that he was hoping for clarity from the hometown dates, but all he got was yelled at. And was subjected to some light groping.
Rose Ceremony, Interrupted: As Sean is about to hand out the roses, Desiree pulls him outside to apologize for her brother’s truth talking. Sean assures her that he is capable of separating her from her brother’s straight talk. Then she cries and as we all know, Sean is a sucker for tears. Back inside, Lindsay, Ashlee, and Catherine hyperventilate.
Rose Ceremony: Ashlee gets the first rose, followed by Lindsay. Sean stares at Catherine and Des for awhile and then drops the rose and goes home. While it would be the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever if Sean had just walked off and left the show, never to be heard from again, he actually just goes back to his lady meditation room to stare at their head shots. Chris Harrison comes in to find him staring helplessly at Catherine’s and Des’ photos. Chris smirks, pats him on the back and tells him to “get it right” — a.k.a. whatever is best for the ratings.
The Decision: After much consideration and commercials, Sean gives the rose to Catherine. Sorry, Desiree, but Sean just knows in his heart that what he wants in a wife is a cool brother-in-law. Christmas is going to be awkward at Des’ house. As Des’ limo pulls away, somewhere off in the distance Des’ brother is yelling, “Told ya!”
Best Reason To Come Back Tomorrow: Sean finds out the truth about Tierra and stares meaningfully into Chris Harrison’s eyes