Welcome back to The Bachelor, where each week Bachelor Sean Lowe, having sown the seeds of love, now winnows the wheat from the chaff like a love farmer in a Super Bowl ad. Last week, Sean bid farewell to two (or was it three? who can remember?) women who were standing in the way of his one true love—a.k.a. his Future Wife—who is hiding out in the room beneath two sheets of Spanx, three layers of foundation, and four coats of mascara. Chris Harrison earns his keep by telling the women that there will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a dreaded two-on-one date this week. The women groan, but their suffering doesn’t matter because they are all merely paving stones on Sean’s path to love. Isn’t it romantic?
Here’s what happened on The Bachelor this week:
Biggest Disappointment: Chris Harrison tells the 11 remaining women to pack their bags for a round the world trip—first stop: Whitefish, Montana! The look on the women’s faces clearly reads, “Wait, what? Is Montana a city in Cambodia?”
Most Compelling Fashion Question: How did every single girl know to pack plaid flannel?
First Date: Lindsay, the substitute teacher, started crying when she heard her name on the Date Card. This bodes well for her emotional state. Sean picks her up for a helicopter ride and she squees. A lot.
Insult to Injury: As if the Blackfeet Indians haven’t suffered enough, Sean and Lindsay park a helicopter on their land and proceed to play tonsil hockey on the reservation.
Thou Shalt Not Joke About Sean: AshLee is very serious when it comes to dating Sean. So when Tierra is less than terrified at the prospect of a two-on-one date, AshLee gets in touch with her inner Puritan and recommends that Tierra be a little more “sober.” Ugh, who could do this show sober?
The Inevitable Awkward Slow Dance On A Platform: After the helicopter ride, Sean and Lindsay head to downtown Whitefish for the Awkward Slow Dance On A Platform (trademark pending) date, where they go to a concert (Sarah Darling this time) and make out on a raised dais (and obstruct the views of the other concertgoers).
The Group Date: The women must chug a glass of thick creamy goat milk, because that’s what Sean looks for in a wife. But before they can do that, they must paddle a canoe, carry some hay, and milk the goat.
Religious Questions Continue: While Selma won’t kiss on national television, she will perform the “run and jump” hug onto Sean and pretend to milk a goat. (You make that goat-milking hand gesture for awhile and see what your mother says about it.)
Give That Goat A Medal: Halfway through milking, a goat kicks over the Blue Team’s milk bucket. I hope that goat is fast-tracked for beatification. The Red Team—Des, Robyn, Selma and Sarah—wins, thanks to Desiree’s ability to chug. As she wiper her face, Sean tells her, “You took it like a champ.” Do you have to be 18 years old to watch this episode?
How To Tick Off Four Women At Once: Sean decides that if he is going to take his pursuit of a wife seriously, he needs to spend more time with everyone. So he invites the losers back to the bar, which gets the winning team so mad that Selma starts referring to herself in the third person, advising the others that “When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry.”
She’s Tierrable: Tierra isn’t here to make friends—she’s here to alienate people. So she charges over to the bar where Sean is having his group date shindig, and drags him outside to explain that she is a “real” girl (with a fake tan, hair extensions, wig lashes, high heels and silicon).
Save A Prayer: AshLee tells Sean, “I have this soul connection with you.” Later, she tells the camera that there is no question that she is falling in love with Sean. Let’s all take a knee and pray for AshLee.
The Secret To A Rose? Tears. Last week, Tierra convinced Sean to give her a rose by crying. And kvetching. This week, Daniella broke down when she saw Catherine in Sean’s lap. After crying, kvelling and kissing, Sean gave Daniella the date rose to make her feel loved.
The Two-On-One Date: It’s Tierra versus Jackie at the Bar W Ranch. It would be so much faster if this was a gunfight instead of a passive-aggressive duel with lip gloss and dirty looks.
Rookie Mistake: Jackie uses her very brief time with Sean to tattle on Tierra. Has no one on this show ever watched The Bachelor? Jackie tells Sean that Tierra once said a guy at an airport was cute—and how dare she cheat on their boyfriend like that?
Sad Truth: Sorry, Jackie, there is no way that the producers will let Sean get rid of Tierra yet, especially once she “opens up” to Sean about an addict boyfriend who died. Jackie gets sent home while Tierra cackles over her rose.
The Cocktail Party: Desiree pouts to Sean that she is struggling and, because he’s kind of a jerk, he will make her suffer for it.
The Big Fight: Robyn is willing to turn The Bachelor in to The Bad Girls’ Club, which means confronting Tierra. Sadly, instead of going full Bad Girls-style and throwing Tierra’s dirty dishes across the room, Robyn grabs a glass of wine and has a quiet conversation with Tierra in front of a roaring fire. Sean happens by and is troubled that anyone would dare talk about anything but him.
Biggest Lie Tierra Ever Told Herself: “I am not a drama person at all.” The fact that she can say that with a straight face is a credit to her…plastic surgeon.
The Rose Ceremony: Before he hands out any roses, Sean sits down for a heart-to-heart talk with Chris Harrison and admits that he is having doubts about the process and may not find his wife in that candlelit room after all. Sean hands out roses to Selma, Catherine, AshLee and everyone else, torturing Desiree by making her wait until the last rose before making her safe. (That’ll teach her for talking about Tierra!) But it’s Robyn who has to leave for daring to confront Tierra. Robyn doesn’t cry over Sean, but, rather, the fact that he picked Tierra over her. And, yeah, that’s worth shedding a tear over.
Best Reason To Come Back Tomorrow: Someone almost dies, but because it’s Tierra, no one believes her.