Welcome back to The Bachelor, where the path to love is paved with push-up bras, spray tan particulates and 50 shades of lip gloss. Our beloved bachelor, Sean Lowe, is willing to wade through the emotional pitfalls and melodramatic landmines, because he is confident that he can find the woman of his dreams in the flock of beauties hand-picked for him by the sagacious producers of The Bachelor in their pursuit to help Sean find love and generate big ratings. While last week Sean’s goal was “to make sure that the girls felt comfortable with” him (beach volleyball to the rescue!), a once-again shirtless Sean opines,”This week I want to make sure that the girls trust me.” And we all know that the best way to build trust is via roller derby.
Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelor:
The First Date: Selma is ready for her date …and also to have Sean’s babies, but you know one day at a time. Selma is dressed for her date in yoga pants and a tank top a.k.a. an outfit that screams eating ice cream on the couch while watching Beaches.
Worst Poker Face: Know who is not ready for Selma’s date? Leslie H.. The professional poker dealer has now cried twice over Sean and she hasn’t even gone on a date with him yet.
Weight Ain’t Nothing But A Number: Out of the blue, Selma announced her weight on national television. She’s 110 lbs, in case you feel like estimating her BMI and/or building an accurate effigy.
The Date: Sean likes to keep his women uncertain and uneasy while they earn the roses. All the better to make them cling to him in terror! So he loads Selma into a limo and a private jet and then they get dropped off in Joshua Tree National Park without even a water bottle. While even I, an avid indoorsman, love Joshua Tree, Selma sets up a constant whine akin to a smoke detector with a faulty battery. She gripes about the heat, the hike, and the heights from the proposed rock climb, but refuses to complain in front of Sean, so she makes like a Nike and just does it. It’s impressive, but also extremely high pitched.
Rudest Awakening Waiting To Happen: Sean beams, “Selma loved everything about this date.” Just wait until you see the footage, Sean.
Most Confusing Religious Practice: As Sean and Selma snuggle in an RV park (worst date ever?) Selma announces that she is Muslim and won’t kiss on national television and, in fact, Iraqi Muslims don’t really date out in the open …and yet she signed up to be on The Bachelor.
Better Question: Can a man get blue balls from not kissing?
Denial Ain’t A River In Egypt, But It Might Be a Pool In Iraq: Selma keeps saying that Sean is her dream man, ignoring the fact that he drove her around in a jeep with the top down, took her to exercise in a desert, followed by a night in a trailer park. And he’s dating 12 other women.
The Group Date: The Date Card told the “lucky” group date participants to be ready to “roll with the punches,” so it’s either a dinner roll eating contest or roller derby. Considering roller derby is featured on Bunheads and Bones this month and like celebrity deaths, it always comes in threes, it’s undoubtedly roller derby. The only silver lining is that the women get to drink mimosas first. AshLee hopes she doesn’t die, but the producers probably disagree, because, you know, ratings.
Best Proof The Bachelor Producers Are Sadists: Some sicko producer decided to make poor Sarah go on a roller derby date. She winds up in tears, but with a little encouragement from Sean she perseveres. How did she ever have any self esteem before she met Sean?
I’ll Tumble For You: Amanda tells everyone that she’s done roller derby before, but it’s just to psych them out. Then she wipes out chin first. They say it could be a broken jaw, but we all know it’s karma. She gets carted off to the hospital, where hopefully she’ll meet an attractive doctor who doesn’t mind that she goes mute occasionally.
Best Medical Warning: “You’re going to swell.”
Perfect Song Choice: After the injury, Sean (or more realistically the on-site insurance rep) calls off the roller derby match. So instead Sean and his ten girlfriends all couple skate together to Journey’s “Foolish Heart.”
Best Out Of Context Quote: “Let’s go spend some time together. How does your mouth feel?”
Second Date: Leslie H. can dry her tears, because she finally gets to go on a date with Sean. Along with the date card he sends diamond earrings.This causes Leslie to declare, “This is just like Pretty Woman, my favorite movie!” If they start playing Roxette, we all know Leslie is doomed, right?
Don’t Hate The Player, Okay Go Ahead: After the roller derby of the portion of the date is over, the group retires to a rooftop just in time for Tierra to have a temper tantrum. She interrupts substitute teacher Lindsay’s special alone time with Sean (just as they’re en route to the hot tub, too) to announce that she’s leaving. As I chant, “Go! Go! Go!” at my TV, in what may be the stupidest move ever: Sean talks her out of it. As Tierra gasps, “I’m so sensitive! I’m so emotional!” silently adding, “I’m on so many meds!” Sean pats her on the hand and goes to fetch the rose for her. Sean asks her to accept the rose and to stay and she does. Step aside ladies, this is how the game is played.
Credit Where It’s Due: The women are aghast at this turn of events (especially Lindsay who changed into a bikini for nothing) but they have to admit Tierra is a master. “She’s good,” admits AshLee, grudgingly. “She’s good at what she does.”
The Second Date: Leslie H. declares, “I slept with these diamond earrings under my pillow!” Wow, The Bachelor really is cutthroat. Sean whisk Leslie to Rodeo Drive for gown shopping at Badgley Mishka and then they are contractually obligated to swing by Neil Lane to pick up an entirely unnecessary diamond necklace. As they shop, Leslie declares, “I feel just like Pretty Woman!” No one tell her Julia Roberts played a prostitute, okay?
The Sads: Sean doesn’t give Leslie the rose, because he just doesn’t feel a romantic connection. That’s the way of The Bachelor: If you’re actually having fun on your date, you’re probably going home.
Most Awkward Moment: Sean dumps Leslie …and then has to ask for the necklace back.
A Fate Worse Than Leslie’s: When Sean sent Leslie home mid-date, we were robbed of a chance to see James Taylor’s son perform. Is there anything more pathetic than sinking so low that you’re willing to play on The Bachelor and then getting bumped?
Cocktail Party: Sean gets everyone in the party mood by announcing that he didn’t instantly connect with Leslie and sent her packing; they sent an intern for her things and she will never be seen nor heard from again. Now who’s up for a drink?
Biggest Eye Roll: Tierra declares, “I hate drama!” which is exactly what everyone who loves drama says.
You Can’t Do That On Television: Despite the fact that she signed up to date a man on national television, Catherine refuses to kiss Sean in front of the five angry women watching them. (They’re not angry at her, but wearing head-to-toe Spanx makes a girl edgy.) So Catherine and Sean make out in the shadows where the camera can barely see them, which is so unfair.
The Rose Ceremony: Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay and Lesley get the first four roses. I would not be surprised if they were the last four standing. Next, Robyn, who probably thought she’d be higher up in the pecking order after her make out session with Sean during the cocktail party. Ashlee and Sarah are next, and Jackie, who I still don’t recognize, gets the second to last rose. The final rose goes to a Daniella, who they have to keep, because who else would narrate the action on the show? Chris Harrison is too busy planning his clothing line to do anything other than count roses.
Adding Insult to Injury: The only girl going home tonight is Amanda. Despite her unfortunate lipstick choice, her dismissal seems unfair as she spent half the episode in the hospital after being forced to roller derby for love. However, since there was only a slight chance that Amanda was a sociopath, and a 100% chance that Tierra is, she won’t be missed too much.
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Apparently The Bachelor’s gold level health care plan extends to extreme mascara emergencies. Whatever happens is dramatic enough to be stretched over two nights.