Welcome back to The Bachelor, where we are following Bachelorette loser Sean Lowe as he attempts to find love on national television. Sean knows it will be an emotional roller coaster, but he is confident that he will be going down on one knee at the end of this show and not just because he dropped a contact. He’s here to find a wife and we all get to watch.
Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelor:
Most Telling Adjective Choice: Chris Harrison insists on describing Sean as “the most sincere Bachelor ever.” It’s most likely a coded apology for pretty much every contestant from Bob Guiney to Jake Pavelka.
Best Establishing Shot: Let there be no doubt that The Bachelor knows their demographic. That’s why, for no apparent reason other than pure gawking, the show opened with shots of Sean making the most of his outdoor shower and showing off his 16-pack abs.
First Date: The first girl to get a much-coveted one-on-one date is Sarah — a statuesque blonde advertising executive who stands out from the crowd because she has one arm. Sean picks her up in a helicopter. And then makes her freefall off of a skyscraper. Don’t feel bad for her, though — there’s champagne at the bottom.
Magical Moment: Everyone knows that the best way to choose a life partner is to shove them off of a 35-story building. So Sarah is terrorized into being a good sport and then straps on a harness, wraps her arm around Sean’s waist and jumps off a tower. Never forget that near death experiences = lots of groping.
Best Way to Start a Story: “I was in Vegas with my dad…” Before you queue up the slot machine jokes, Sarah tells a tale about a time that she was turned away from zip-lining in Vegas due to state law requiring people to have two hands to zip line. Her dad encouraged her to find a partner who would fight for her right to zip-line. Sean hands her a rose instead.
Best Party Line: Thirteen women are being whisked away on a group date with their boyfriend. It’s a cluster of emotions, Spanx and lip gloss, but as Kacie B. says (because she was contractually obligated to): “It’s worth it, because it’s Sean.”
Best Product Placement: For the group date, the women will be posing for the cover of a Harlequin romance novel with their beloved bachelor Sean. There are four categories: cowgirls, vampires, historical reenactors and some vague category of “sexy ladies” who all have bodices waiting to be ripped. In a completely unshocking twist, Kristy, the professional model, wins the modeling contract. Look for her on a Harlequin cover in a grocery store checkout line near you!
Crazy Cakes: There is one hard and fast rule on The Bachelor: Whoever starts referring to themselves in the third person first is the crazy one. This season, that person is Tierra. Do you want to know if Tierra is here for the right reasons? Ask Tierra and Tierra will tell you what Tierra is thinking.
Most Eyebrow-Raising Line: Catherine, a graphic designer from Seattle, blurts, “I’m vegan, but I love the beef.” Sean blinks a few times and then nods in appreciation.
The First Casualty: The yoga instructor, Katie, may be flexible, but she’s having trouble getting into this show. So she bows out of the competition claiming it’s not for her. She couldn’t handle the heat, and her hair couldn’t handle the humidity— it barely fit into the limo that swept her away.
The First Rose: Repeat Bachelor contestant Kacie B. got taken out of the friend zone tonight and got a rose for the effort. But every rose has its thorn (even though this isn’t Rock of Love) and now Tierra wants to punch her in the face.
Punk’d vs. The Bachelor: For his second date, Sean decides to test the lucky lady’s sense of humor by staging a practical joke where he tells her she broke a million dollar piece of art. Apparently how a woman reacts to a prank is a character-defining moment, so he tricks Desiree and then rushes in to save her with the line, “I’ll always support you, but I don’t need to this time, because…these are all actors!” She laughs, but we all know that she can take a joke, because she already thinks a relationship formed on The Bachelor will go anywhere. If there’s any justice in the world, Desiree will be short-sheeting Sean’s bed later tonight.
Most Disingenuous Comment: Sean and Desiree retire to Sean’s apartment for a romantic dinner of steak and frozen corn and an after-dinner swim. Sean is developing real feelings for Desiree, but it’s hard to take a man seriously when he says “I admire her depth” while ogling a woman in a tiny purple bikini. Also when he’s wearing red, white and blue swim trunks.
The Bachelor Milestone: “As the second rose ceremony approaches, it’s getting really real here.” Someone give Catherine a rose for helping us reach this important Bachelor milestone.
The Shocking Truth: Someone isn’t here to make friends. That someone? Amanda. Amanda’s personality is so winning that her fellow contestant described her as “literally a tornado of negativity.” If only. I literally wish a tornado would sweep half these women away.
What Lawsuit?: Robyn decides to call Sean out about the fact that after a certain lawsuit was filed the show mysteriously got more diverse. Sean, who is either truly sincere or very well prepped by the show’s lawyers in light of pending litigation, doesn’t balk, but tells her that he has “dated everybody, Hispanic, Persian, my last girlfriend: black.” Robyn is willing to accept that answer.
Rose Ceremony: The first rose goes to AshLee, followed by Lindsay, and Jackie — and only Robyn can break the streak of girls whose names end in the “ee” sound. The last rose goes to Amanda, sending two women home. You can tell they weren’t here for the right reasons, because they didn’t cry in the limo at all.
Best Reason To Come Back Next Week: Tierra gets carted off in an ambulance.