The Bachelor Watch: Sean Lowe Is Back Whether You Like It or Not

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Sean Lowe visits "Good Morning America" on ABC News, Jan. 7, 2013 in New York.

Emily Maynard’s castoff is ready for his closeup. Yes, Sean Lowe is The Bachelor and he is ready to find love or die trying—and by “die” we mean date a lot of very attractive yet seemingly emotionally unstable women on national television in the hopes of finding love the old fashioned way.

In the intro to the show’s 17th season, Sean assures us that he loves his job, he loves Dallas, he loves his family, and he loves working out. Unfortunately it also appears he hates shirts, because he doesn’t wear one for the first five minutes of the show. Then a series of golden light-tinged montages reminds us about Sean’s “journey” with Emily, highlighting the important paving stones on their path to love, like the time he ran through the streets of a small Czech town yelling her name until he could make out with her. Then she broke his heart by passing him over for his more heavily hair-producted competitors, race car driver Arie and entrepreneur Jef.

To prove that he is on The Bachelor for the right reasons (besides our entertainment, of course), Sean stares broodily into the distance assuring us that he wants to find love, to be a rock, to get engaged once and only once, and then spend the rest of his life loving his wife. The wife he will meet this season on The Bachelor.

So let’s get into it: Who didn’t come here to make friends? Who isn’t here for the right reasons? Who wants to find their best friend AND their soul mate?

Here’s what happened this week on The Bachelor:

Best Bromance: To kick things off, Sean, or more likely the producers, invite his former nemesis, Arie, over to drink some beers and talk about their shared love of V-necks, spray tans and dodging bullets named Emily.

Best Break-Up Line Truth: Sean and Arie spend some time pre-gaming Sean’s many many inevitable break ups, when-Sean stumbles on the deep dark truth of The Bachelor dating: “I can’t use the ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ because obviously it’s them!”

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Best Ho-Yay Moment (courtesy of Television Without Pity): For some reason Arie decides to give Sean kissing lessons, complete with helpful hand gestures and, well, tongue gestures. Sean’s response? “It’s good, it’s good, I’m going to write that down.”

Meeting the Ladies: Who will be ying for Sean’s heart this season? Among the highlights are Tierra, a 24-year-old leasing consultant who is very family oriented and likes dagger jewelry, tiny dogs, low cut shirts and Sean. Dianna, a 30-year-old salon owner from Salt Lake City who is a divorced mom of two. Sarah, a one-armed 26-year-old advertising designer; Ashley, a 28-year-old hairstylist from Michigan with a frightening level of interest in Fifty Shades of Grey; Lesley, a 25-year-old political consultant from Arkansas working in DC who is looking for her Southern gent; and Kristy, a Ford model.

First Tears Award: AshLee, a professional organizer, who cries as she talks about being adopted into a pastor’s home at the age of six. As her reward for breaking the crying barrier, she gets to be the first out of the limo to meet Sean. She stops crying, but now we know she can.

Most Territorial: Jackie puts on red lipstick and then plants a big red kiss on Sean’s cheek. Luckily Selma, the next vixen out of the limo, has a tissue tucked into her cleavage to wipe it off.

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Living Up to a Stereotype: The yoga instructor steps out of the limo barefoot.

Best Entry: Robyn does a back bend in her full length sequined gown and heels, but when she goes in for a second, she collapses. She manages to recover gracefully, which is probably why she eventually earned a rose.

Best Job: Paige is a Jumbotron operator. A Jumbotron operator! That earns her a mandatory rose, right?

Most Naive Statement: Based exclusively on her “good energy” (and certainly not ample cleavage), Sean decides to give Tierra a rose the second she steps out of the limo. He asks her to wait in the driveway while he runs to ask his den mother Chris Harrison first. (Truthfully, I hoped he would leave Tierra on the driveway for the entire cocktail party). After Sean hands Tierra the rose, he says, “I hope that doesn’t cause any tension in the house.”

Boldest Sartorial Choice: Lindsay, a substitute teacher, stepped out of the limo in a wedding dress, including veil. While she certainly made an impression, she has the worst friends or best frenemy to let her think that was a good idea. For his part, Sean clearly mouthed at the producers, “Tranquilizer gun!”

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Surprise Guest: Kacie B, who was a contestant on Ben’s season, liked Sean so much that she called up the producers and begged for a slot on the show, much to the chagrin of the other 25 contestants.

The Big Shake-Up: After 17 seasons, someone on The Bachelor staff realized that handing out roses in a protracted ceremony is actually pretty boring to watch. So Sean, or more likely the producers, decided to hand out roses to desirable ladies with “good energy” during the cocktail party. Desiree, a wedding stylist, and Leslie, a  professional poker player, each earn roses, while the girl in the wedding dress and the Jumbotron operator do not.

That Girl: Ashley, a.k.a. the 50 Shades of Grey girl who has no earthly idea why she’s still single, has gotten so completely blotto at the party that Sean feels it is important to point out, “I brought a rape whistle in case I’m in trouble.”

Second Tears: Sean’s rule bending with the roses has created a subclass of whiny contestants who are running around the party demanding to know the rules and why they haven’t received a rose yet. Then there’s Taryn, an uptight looking bottle blonde, who deems herself too polite to demand an audience with Sean. Then she breaks with longstanding Bachelor tradition and goes to cry on the stairs, instead of in the bathroom. Why the waterworks? She doesn’t want anyone to know she wants a rose, she doesn’t fight over guys, and she has never seen The Bachelor before, apparently.

The Rose Ceremony: During the cocktail party, Sean handed out roses like they were glow bracelets at a rave  so there are only seven roses left to hand out during the ceremony. After Chris Harrison assures the women of Sean’s seriousness, Sean hands out roses to Amanda, Lesley, Kacie (the repeat contestant), Kristy (a Ford model), Daniella, Taryn (the town crier) and for the final rose, Lindsay the bride*. (*Tranquilizer gun not included)

Come back next week to see if Sean finally gets to blow his rape whistle!

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4 comments
_4874196057401
_4874196057401

this was hilarious. thanx 4 thu laugh. and wow, the state of the american girl is just downright scary

ChrisB098
ChrisB098

I can’t believe that they still try and sell the idea that these people will get married in the end after so many seasons of failed relationships.  I couldn't care less about how any of these people end up, I just like to see them gossip and fight.  I was talking to a coworker at DISH about the show who thought that Sean showed what a complete dog he was when he gave Tierra a rose immediately.  I had no idea that the premiere was last night, but thankfully I was able to watch it with PrimeTime Anytime.  I love how my DISH Hopper records everything during primetime on the four major networks and saves it for a week, so I never miss anything. It looks like we have a feisty bunch of girls this time, and I am excited to see the drama develop!