Last night on the semifinals of Dancing with the Stars: All Stars, we found out which of these “stars” was still in the running to win the coveted Mirrorball Trophy. (It’s coveted because it’s mirrored and thus makes whatever room it’s placed in look so much larger.) After last night’s performances, where the competitors had to execute routines to a Michael Jackson song as well as the-producers-are-drunk mish-mash numbers like “Caveman Hustle” or “Knight Rider Bhangra,” Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough topped the leaderboard with a nearly perfect 59 out of 60, while Emmitt and Cheryl and Kelly and Val are tied at the bottom with 54. With the series’ third double elimination of this season looming, let’s find out which contestants America is sending packing and which they voted into the finals.
Here’s what happened on the semifinals of Dancing with the Stars: All Stars:
Most Suspicious Repeat Performance: The judges chose to see a repeat performance of Olympic speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno’s and Karina Smirnoff’s rumba to Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” While some may see this as an honor, unfortunately it is usually the kiss of death on this show.
Least Surprising Moment: Shawn and Derek’s “Knight Rider Bhangra” earned the Olympic gymnast a standing ovation and a perfect 30, while her Michael Jackson tango got a 29. So, yeah, they are safe. More interestingly, somehow Derek seems to have sprouted significant facial hair over night. Guess he remembered to water his face chia pet.
The Rising Star of Dance: Parris Goebel, a young New Zealand native, is a self-trained hip-hop dancer who started her own dance crew and opened her own studio at the age of 17. Then Jennifer Lopez came calling. What did you do at 17 aside from failing your driver’s test and getting mono twice? Goebel’s routine, set to Alicia Keys’ “Girl on Fire,” was so powerful that Tom Bergeron collapsed on the stage next to her saying, “Wow.”
Best Fake-Out: The Wanted, a.k.a. the boy band that is allowed to talk dirty to you, started off their appearance by trying to get the crowd into a new song. Luckily they came to their senses and broke into “Glad You Came” halfway through the set. Sorry, guys, it’s the only song we know!
Biggest Reminder That Perfection Means Nothing: It’s Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani vs. Apolo Anton Ohno and Karina Smirnoff in the first face-off of the evening. Melissa and Tony have been riding high on the leaderboard for the duration of the competition, and last night Apolo and Karina finally scored a perfect 30. However, as noted above, a surprise 30 on this show, followed by a spotlight dance, can be a curse of death. Just ask Sabrina Bryan. Oh don’t bother, Apolo can ask her from the audience next week, because he’s out.
Most Touching Departure: As Apolo bids farewell to his fans, he takes a moment to extol the virtues of the competition that just ousted him in a public display of disinterest. He notes, “It forces you to become more confident. It forces you to become better.” Okay, Siddhartha, now go hide in the bathroom stall and stress eat a dozen donuts like the rest of us losers.
Paula Abdul Shows Those Macy’s Stars of Dance How It’s Done: Paula Abdul reminds us that she was once a dancer and a pop star by singing a medley of her greatest hits accompanied by CGI cold-hearted snakes crafted by the graphics department, the cat from the “Opposites Attract” video, faux scaffolding reminiscent of her early videos and a giant Maks The result was completely jaw-droppingly nuts, made even more so by the fact that it was pulled off on live television.
Most Dramatic Routine: Between rehearsing two dance routines with Shawn, Derek Hough choreographed a contemporary dance number that he claims “was like writing a song with your body.” There was a lot of impressive dancing and then Derek reenacted the rain scene from The Notebook and then the show stopped as EMTs rushed into the ballroom to revive every single woman in the audience.
Worst Promise: As the show winds down and the second elimination looms, General Hospital star Kelly Monaco promises that if she makes it to the finals she will get spray-tanned for the first time in her life. Is it too late to vote for her?
The Results: As NFL legend Emmitt Smith stares down Kelly Monaco for the last spot in the finals, you can almost see the thought bubble floating over his head: What if I had stripped down to a Speedo like Val Chmerkovskiy? Sorry Emmitt, it’s too late. You’ll just have to get naked on your own time. That’s right, Val and Kelly are going to the finals.
Come back next week when Shawn, Melissa and an orange Kelly compete in the finals in the hopes of winning the Mirrorball Trophy.