Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars. On Monday night we suffered some performance interruptus and now we can’t wait to get back on our invisible horses and watch the second batch of stars perform to their guilty pleasure songs, as well as their group freestyle dance to Psy‘s über-hit “Gangnam Style.” We’re aware that sentence didn’t make a lot of sense if you parse it, but we’re not here to parse, we’re here to dance. Let’s get down to it.
Here’s how the moves were busted this week:
Happiest “Accident”: Former Bachelor contestant Melissa Rycroft chose Britney Spears’ “Toxic” as her guilty pleasure song. Her partner Tony Dovolani is thrilled by the choice because apparently it’s a tango.
Worst Wig Since That Time Tyra Got Ariel Hair: Melissa Rycroft has nice hair, yet apparently the tango requires a purple bobbed fright wig. Wonder how they keep all these dance rules straight?
Biggest Missed Opportunity: Melissa and Tony chose to end their dance with Tony spread out on Dr. Frankenstein’s table waiting for the bolt of electricity. If they were going to go the Frankenstein route, they should have done the tap number to “Putting on the Ritz.” Despite the missed opportunity, Bruno thought the dance, “wasn’t toxic, it was intoxicating!” They got a 27.
Strangest Olympic Souvenir: In order to perform a rumba to the theme from Titanic, Derek Hough had to teach Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson how to show emotion. Because the woman has been so conditioned by Bela Karolyi not to show emotion that even Celine Dion’s heart-swelling ballad “My Heart Will Go On” can’t bring Shawn to tears. That tragic legacy will last longer than any gold medal. Quick, somebody show her Beaches!
Best Dickens Reference: Len Goodman wasn’t a fan of Shawn’s rumba, so he let his stodgy British side show, whining, “I had Great Expectations and I got Bleak House.”
Best Bergeronism of the Night: When Carrie-Ann Inaba chides Shawn and Derek for a rule-breaking lift during their dance to the Titanic theme, host Tom Bergeron announces, “Tonight, Carrie-Ann will be playing the iceberg.” The iceberg gave the dynamic duo a 9, Len doled out a meager 8, which was counteracted by Bruno Tonioli’s 10.
Worst Costume of the Night: For his dance to “Give It To Me Baby,” Apolo Anton Ohno trounces into a mock boudoir wearing a leopard print shirt with saggy white pants and white patent leather shoes. Adding insult to the fashion injury, Karina Smirnoff sports a nightgown and Poochie hair, making the whole ensemble bewildering.
TMI: After their dance, Apolo and Karina head to Brooke Burke-Charvet’s perch in the sky. Brooke then reveals that she is dying to know the specifics of when and where Apolo listens to “Give it To Me Baby.” Do. Not. Want. To. Know. The judges give Apolo and Karina a 27 before they can reveal any overly personal details.
Worst Disney Princess: Professional Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan opts to dance to “So This is Love” from the movie Cinderella on the grounds that she wants to feel like a princess. However in the behind-the-scenes rehearsal footage, we see Sabrina pouting that she’s better when she’s “fast and furious.” Sorry, Sabrina, but that’s more Vin Diesel than Disney princess. She still got 29 out of 30.
Most Obvious Statements of the Night: Last night we got to watch Shawn Johnson’s group show their teen spirit while dancing to Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” Tonight, Gilles Marini leads a team dance to Psy’s “Gangnam Style.” The rehearsal footage reveals some truth: “Maks is an alpha male” and most ominously, “Trainwrecks can be fun to watch.”
Wildest Dance Ever: When a freestyle dance starts with everyone in matching tear-away tuxedos and ends with Gilles Marini riding an invisible horse in nothing more than a towel, you know it was worthy watching. From Maks in a mesh shirt to Cheryl Burke riding Emmitt Smith like a horse to Kelly Monaco getting whipped around Val Chmerkovskiy like a hand towel, it was an insane, fun and completely wackadoo dance.
Best Bruno of the Night: While Tom said that was the most fun he’s had in 15 seasons, Carrie-Ann called it a “hot mess” in a good way, and Len said it was the craziest number he’s ever seen, it’s Bruno Tonioli who takes the cake—or rather the towel. He yells, “Gilles, give me that towel, I’m wetting myself!” So Gilles throws him the tiny towel he’s wearing and then scurries off stage in his underwear. That’s taking one for the team!
The Scores: Sabrina Bryan and Louie Van Amstel are at the top of the leaderboard while General Hospital star Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerkovskiy are at the bottom. Yes, below Kirstie Alley and Maks Chmerkovskiy.
Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: God willing, someone will be eliminated from this competition.