Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars: All Stars Edition: Special Victims Unit where we are studying the crime scene from which Drew Lachey and Helio Castroneves left us last week in a dramatic double elimination. Just kidding, it wasn’t dramatic at all and neither of them cried, although Drew did pout just a wee little bit. As attentive watchers (all two of you) may recall, the judges, or more likely the producers, are trying to shake this show up so someone decided that the contestants would all choose dance styles for their nemeses. This week we get to witness the explosive results of Bristol Palin attempting rock n’ roll and Gilles Marini getting his Bollywood on. To help score these sure to be incredible dance routines, noted judging professional Paula Abdul is sitting at the table tonight.
To the dance!
Kirstie Alley’s Best Line: “I’m trying to channel Shawn [Johnson] but instead I’m channeling that lady from Psycho getting stabbed.” It’s funny, ’cause it’s true.
Worst Use of Knickers: To fully get in the mood for their Charleston, Kirstie Alley dressed in flapper finery and Maks Chmerkovskiy dressed in his 1920s Sunday best, which for some reason included knee-high white socks and knickers. Seriously, guys, knickers? That’s Maks abuse and we may need to report to you.
Best Sign of Things to Come: All eyes are on Paula Abdul when she makes her guest judging debut. She starts by extolling Kirstie’s looks and dance skills and then adds, “Maks, you’re …eh.” I think she just negged Maks! Let us know if “The Game” works, okay Paula?
Worst Sign of Things to Come: When Maks and Kirstie head on high to talk to Brooke Burke-Charvet about their score (a lowly 30 points) we see that the lower half of Sabrina Bryan is engulfed in blue fur, so we can safely assume she is being slowly eaten by Cookie Monster. RIP Sabrina!
Worst I See London, I See France Moment: Bristol Palin and her partner Mark Ballas spare us the fireworks this week and instead act like vaguely professional dance people, minus the skills. Their competitors tasked them with dancing rock and roll and since no one seems to know what that means, Mark opted to re-create Happy Days on the dance floor. Cue the lindy hop complete with unnecessary underwear shots and bright red Converse to highlight missteps.
Most Annoying Judging Moment: The judges seemingly loved Bristol’s and Mark’s routine with each and everyone of them touting Bristol’s amazing “improvement.” Then they all gave her 8s across the board, for her highest scores of the season. However, while she may have improved, Bristol is still miles behind the other dancers like, say, Melissa Rycroft. And you don’t see Derek Hough pushing Shawn Johnson so she dances in the right direction. Also: I see London.
The Frustration Continues: Good news: Cookie Monster is bulimic and tossed his cookies so Sabrina Bryan could dance the disco. She serves up a routine that would have cleared the dance floor at Studio 54 with impressive flips and fast-paced footwork. But when it comes to scoring, the judges ding her for, in Bruno Tonioli’s words, “losing count twice.” While Carrie Ann Inaba disagreed, the fact that they would notice mistakes for Sabrina while clearly overlooking some for Bristol is infuriating. Sabrina got 35.5 points.
Best Use of a Fog Machine: For NFL star Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke’s bolero, the floor is filled with a fog so dense you expect Tom Bergeron to pop up in a Phantom of the Opera mask. At the end of the dance, Bruno Tonioli crawls over the table and snarls, “The mood was steamier than August in Louisiana,” and then starts writhing around in his chair, leaving Paula Abdul no choice but to scoot closer and closer to Len Goodman lest she wind up pregnant. Emmitt earned a 36.
Great Moments in Judging: Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd were assigned the task of dancing a Bollywood number for the judges. On the downside, they’ve never danced Bollywood. On the upside, neither have the judges. After Judge Len said that, “It was hotter than a curry!” Paula Abdul outdid him by standing up and channeling Bruno at his most Bruno-est and crawling on the table, licking her lips and declaring the dance “spicier than a vindaloo.” The judges gave them a whopping 39.5 for the trouble.
Most Johnny Rockets Moment: Remember that restaurant Johnny Rockets and how every so often the staff would pop out from behind the retro soda fountain and start dancing? That’s kind of what Melissa Rycroft’s and Tony Dovolani’s jitterbug routine was like, but with more sparkles and fewer hamburgers. They got 37 points and a side of fries.
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Winningest Moment: It’s show and tell day in Des Moines and Shawn Johnson brings Derek Hough to brag to all her gymnast friends. Sure they won gold at the 2012 Olympics, but she gets to dance a mambo with a shirtless Derek Hough. Who’s going on the Wheaties box now, ladies? They get 39.5 votes for a nearly flawless routine.
Best Bergeronism of the Night: After a curse-addled behind-the-scenes clip, Karina Smirnoff moans, “Why do they always have to show me cussing?” Tom swiftly replies, “Because if they didn’t, the segment would be so much shorter.” Katrina laughs and apologizes to her mother, although maybe she should send her mother an Edible Arrangement and a handwritten note for the short shorts, bra top, gold sequined hoodie and doo rag ensemble.
Speaking of Curses : Karina was not happy to be assigned a hip hop routine with Apolo Anton Ohno, but it turns out the number was cursed! Not only did she have to wear that outfit (see above), but Apolo’s microphone pack fell off during the dance and then Karina slipped and fell. It’s no wonder she burst into tears at the end of the dance. Since scores are based solely on the star’s performance, Apolo still got 34.5 points.
Best Bleep: “Cheryl’s such a @#*%!” Why the outpouring of emotion from Val Chmerkovskiy? Because competitor Cheryl Burke chose a “contemporary” dance number for him and Kelly Monaco. So what’s a contemporary dance? Apparently a ripped-from-a-Harlequin-romance half-nude routine filled with dramatic lighting and set to Coldplay.
Least Believable Statement Ever: After their dramatically dramatic routine, Val Chmerkovskiy carried Monaco off the dance floor, setting her gently in front of the judges. Then he announced that he “didn’t care” about the judges and their scores, because he was just glad to have met Monaco and be “part of her journey.” They got 37.5 points and I got gagged with a smurf.
The Results: Shawn Johnson and Gilles Marini are tied with 39.5 points each. The bottom is occupied by Kirstie Alley with a lowly 30 points and a Miss Congeniality sash.
Come back tomorrow for judgment.