Welcome back to Dancing with the Stars: All Stars, now with 100% less Joey Fatone. Apparently the ‘NSync/DWTS crossover audience wasn’t enough to keep Joey around one more week and now we will never get to see Radiohead come on the show to seek blood retribution for the travesty that was Joey’s dance to their hit “Creep.” Instead this week we get to see the putative stars’ creative visions come to life in response to Judge Len Goodman’s challenge to recreate an iconic dance from seasons past. Don’t worry, no one knows what that means. Also on the agenda for tonight? Tom Bergeron promises two “bombshell” announcements, and god willing, neither of them involves the return of Joey Fatone.
Here’s how the (nonfat gluten-free sugarless) cookie crumbled this week:
Worst Camera Cut-Away: Drew “Seriously, Why Am I Famous?” Lachey and Anna Trebunskaya opted to recreate Joey McEntire’s dance to Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love.” To crank up the drama, after seductively unspooling Anna’s skirt like it’s a Bloomin’ Onion, Drew does…something. A cartwheel? Ate a cat? Voted for Ross Perot? Who knows? The camera cut away and all we see is Anna and a score of 24.
Most Accurate Depiction of Fantasy Life: To kick off his tango, Gilles Marini chooses to drop from the ceiling clad in a well-tailored pant suit, which interestingly enough is a dream I too have. However as “Sweet Dreams” plays, Gilles crushes the fantasy by choosing to dance a tango with Peta Murgatroyd clad in sparkly underthings which leave nothing to fantasize about. They get 25.5.
Most Eye-Opening Moment: Melissa Rycroft actually chose to dance a samba to Gloria Estefan’s “Conga” and to bedazzle her tramp stamp while letting Tony Dovolani bounce her head on his heel like a hacky sack. What does all that mean? That the ex-Bachelorette is clearly in it to win it. At the end of the dance, Judge Len proclaimed, “That’s what I”m talking about!” and the judges handed out a 27, which is the highest score of the season.
Least Sexy Caterpillar: Apolo Anton Ohno thinks his best shot at sexiness is to channel Gilles Marini, when all he really needs to do is ask Karina Smirnoff to proclaim him “sexy” on national television (DONE!) and to shave his weirdly over-sized chin caterpillar/soul patch (Not Done.) Their sultry tango got rave reviews from the judges and a score of 25.5.
Best Sibling Rivalry: Soap star Kelly Monaco decided to kick the sibling rivalry into action by choosing to recreate one of Maks Chmerkovskiy’s iconic dances with his little brother Val. Bruno is tingling with pleasure. But the real reason anyone is watching is because Val isn’t wearing a shirt and is playing matador to Kelly’s Ferdinand, earning them a 27 like Rycroft/Dovolani.
Bombshell One: Having relinquished her judge’s seat on American Idol as well as the one she held for a brief time on The X Factor, Paula Abdul is set to pick up a paddle and guest judge on Dancing with the Stars next week.
Least Surprising Vision: If you’re surprised that Kirstie Alley’s creative vision consists of a shirtless Maks in pants so tight he felt obligated to apologize to his mother, then you probably have a sort of head injury. Sorry about your injury! Their dance to “Moves Like Jagger” was their best so far in that it wasn’t obviously worse than everyone else’s. They get a 24.
Most Middle of the Road: Sabrina Bryan’s purple-cloaked dance to “Free Your Mind” was loud, jangly and involved her getting flung around the dance floor by a man in a purple shirt with peekaboo cutouts. Surely her mother is proud. Carrie Ann Inaba chided Sabrina for playing it as safe as a woman wearing a lifetime supply of body tape can play it. She still got a 25.5.
Worst Use of a Donkey: Host Tom Bergeron promised us a donkey show, but there was no donkey anywhere on stage. Maybe he was referring to Brooke Burke Charvet? Let’s just pretend he was and all giggle politely into our sleeves.
Scariest Star: NFL star Emmitt Smith probably scared the donkey. That’s why there was no donkey even though we were promised a ding-dang donkey. The donkey’s shock was not surprising, once you catch sight of Emmitt Smith in a skintight yellow toreador outfit dancing a paso doble with a passionate intensity. The poor donkey obviously just couldn’t handle it. Smith walks away with a 25 anyway
Worst Wardrobe Malfunction: Helio Castroneves designed his one zoot suit for the occasion, but none of it matters because he got stuck in Chelsie Hightower’s dress—and not in the good way. There’s no crying in baseball and no forgiveness for wardrobe malfunctions on DWTS. Carrie Ann anoints him the Quick Step King, but still dings him for the missteps. He earns a respectable 25.5.
Most Backhanded Compliment: After his dance, Helio congratulates the wardrobe department on making him look like a pimp. Aww, it wasn’t that hard, Helio!
Bombshell Two: Tomorrow night the stars will be picking dances for their competitors. No one seems to notice, so after the break, Tom Bergeron announces it again and the stars make more appropriate facial expressions.
Hissyfit of the Week: Bristol Palin has a very public (and seemingly unwarranted) passive aggressive tantrum on the set, accusing Mark Ballas of secretly wishing he was paired with Shawn Johnson or Sabrina Bryan. She storms out, leaving Mark to wish he was paired with Shawn or Sabrina.
Least Exciting Denouement: Bristol’s mom Sarah Palin cheers loudly when Mark is killed at the end of their paso doble. The judges all encourage her to get made more often because it works for her. However Carrie Ann does recommend she get that look off her face. More or less. She scores a lowly 22.5.
Best Rule Breaking: Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough got Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba on their feet to applaud what they dubbed the best dance they’ve ever seen in 15 seasons on DWTS. The quick step ended with a dead drop off the steps. The added tricks and jumps did cost them some points, though, and they left with a 26.5.
The Rankings: Actress Kelly Monaco and reality show denizen Melissa Rycroft are tied for first place with 27 out of a possible 30 points. Bristol Palin is bringing up the rear with 22.5 points.
Best Reason to Tune in Tomorrow: Two words: Double elimination! That’s right, two of these so-called stars are going back to whatever it is that Drew Lachey and Bristol Palin do in their spare time.